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Original poster

Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

487 replies

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 09:06

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

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Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:46

LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 21:44

That's good. He has learned his lesson now and won't do it again.

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We shall see! Hopefully!

OP posts:
LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 21:51

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:46

We shall see! Hopefully!

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There will just have to be more severe consequences next time if he hasn't .

I still think a lock on the door or may be allowing the SKs to take just a limited number of toys each would be a good idea.

If it were a toddler we were talking about I would suggest a stair gate but 3 years is too old for needing that.

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 22:09

LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 21:51

There will just have to be more severe consequences next time if he hasn't .

I still think a lock on the door or may be allowing the SKs to take just a limited number of toys each would be a good idea.

If it were a toddler we were talking about I would suggest a stair gate but 3 years is too old for needing that.

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Like what? Drawing a card?

OP posts:
LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 22:10

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 22:09

Like what? Drawing a card?

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Depriving him of a favourite toy for a while?

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 22:12

LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 22:10

Depriving him of a favourite toy for a while?

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Thank you! Great idea!

OP posts:
florenceandthemac · 13/10/2023 22:15

YABU.
My DSD has a bedroom here, and obviously has done since before our DS was born.
She didn't have to suddenly hide things when he started moving about. I made sure he didn't go in there and break things, like I make sure he doesn't in other rooms of the house....

LolaSmiles · 13/10/2023 22:18

It seems that two different issues are getting mixed up.

It's understandable that you're frustrated at what seems like DSC and their Mum offloading stuff to your house to avoid having to deal with it and make decisions eg bin, pass on, donate, sell. This means Mum has effectively passed her decluttering load onto you and DH.

If you know your child can open doors and is likely to go through DSC stuff then you and DH needed to have practically put things in place such as locks/chains on bedroom doors, or baby gate across them when DSC aren't there, or you need to keep your child in eye sight so they can't let themselves in DSC bedroom.

Username1583 · 13/10/2023 22:40

Honestly I think this is the issue. I know it wasn't you who physically broke the toy, but you are ultimately responsible for your LO's actions. It doesn't matter whether you're on the loo and it was your SC's toy, or you take your eyes off them for a second in the supermarket and they pull something off the shelf and it breaks. Either way you are responsible for that. I understand that you warned your SC, and yes, they are secondary school age, but they are still children, and it's not unreasonable for them to be upset that their sentimental toy got broken, and you haven't shown any sympathy for them at all. Rather than ask strangers on the internet whether you can feel self righteous or not, surely it's more productive to try and build bridges with your SC? While I'm sure they are perfectly capable of moving their sentimental things onto shelves, if you do it with them and help them with it, it's a way of showing you taking responsibility and part of giving a sincere apology is working to make ammends. By saying I refuse to apologise, and I'm not going to help them, and fobbing them off on theor dad, it sends a message that you're more interested in being supposedly "right" rather than building a caring relationship with your SC. You're the adult here, you should be the bigger person, extend the olive branch and make the first move to repair the upset.

SheilaFentiman · 13/10/2023 22:49

“It's understandable that you're frustrated at what seems like DSC and their Mum offloading stuff to your house to avoid having to deal with it and make decisions eg bin, pass on, donate, sell. This means Mum has effectively passed her decluttering load onto you and DH”

I would dispute this - if the mum and dad are equal parents and the space in each house belongs to the kids, then why shouldn’t some of the kids’ “old clutter” be in both spaces? The kids are secondary school age - if mum says, “make space for your new desk” and they do it by moving some older stuff to the other place they live, it’s not on mum to prevent that or make them sort it instead.

Starseeking · 13/10/2023 23:00

Where was your DH when baby was going into the room? Are you the only person able to redirect your DC?

DarkwingDuk · 13/10/2023 23:23

Wow…I’ve gone through the whole thread and quite frankly you are making yourself sound awful. That’s you, not other people - and it’s right from the get go.

This was not your SC’s fault…it’s was yours DC’s fault and as the responsible adult it is your responsibility to give a heartfelt apology - your 3yo can’t do that - so that’s your job as his mother.
First time parent or not this is common sense.
If you would apologise to a friend/neighbour/stranger for something your DC did that was wrong then it is not a great leap to understand that you ought to be apologising to your SC.

Im not at all surprised that your DH is upset with you if you had the attitude as you do on here when speaking with him.

You also need to have a very long, hard look at how you’re treating your SC - because the animosity pouring from you toward them in this post is incredibly troubling.
As a mother yourself now you need to think about how you would feel if your DC was talked about in a manner boarding contempt. Seek counselling if needs be because it needs addressing.

Ffion21 · 13/10/2023 23:40

How old are all the children OP?

Its the kids bedrooms and private space, if they didn’t have another house where would you propose they put their stuff?

How do you stop your child access other possibly harmful things if they can open doors etc? Maybe they need locks on their bedroom doors?

Ffion21 · 13/10/2023 23:50

Ignore last post I can’t delete it and got all the answers from the thread!

OP it’s ultimately your fault, an accident yes and an apology and group discussion reminding them to put their precious items high up out of reach. You can’t be demonised for going to the loo and a 3 year old can do a crazy amount of things in 3 minutes. However, it was on your watch as the other kids weren’t there.

SuperCat123 · 14/10/2023 00:48

Yabu, you should not let your stepchildren take sole responsibility of their own belongings in their own rooms!!! They are too busy with the daily teen dramas going on in their own lives to ensure everything is tucked out of sight, when already being behind a closed door, get a little catch for the door your toddler cannot reach! You sound very resentful & determined to make your own child no.1 in the pecking order!
We (me & my 12 yo dd) will be looking after a distant relative soon for a month or so,I explained to DD that while relative was out there is no way DD can enter their room, even if it's their own phone they left in there, in that case it will be ME that gets it & with family members permission, older children need a space all of their own to do with as they like within reason. Sorry, but yes yabu x

Tiredmama53 · 14/10/2023 00:56

Because you have parental responsibility of the child breaking things. It is literally your job to make sure your child isn't a terror.

1AngelicFruitCake · 14/10/2023 01:28

I think you need to have higher expectations of your 3 year old. 3 isn’t a toddler and is old enough to understand he/she shouldn’t have done that.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 14/10/2023 06:58

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:33

It's not aggressive it's just making it clearer by being in caps as so many people are missing that point

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I don't mean your reply to me. I mean almost every reply. And I'm not the only person to say it.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 07:27

1AngelicFruitCake · 14/10/2023 01:28

I think you need to have higher expectations of your 3 year old. 3 isn’t a toddler and is old enough to understand he/she shouldn’t have done that.

I agree. Pretty unfair to your step children. Doesn't matter what it is, if it's important to them then it's important and they should feel welcome enough in your home that they don't have to hide their possessions away. Teach your child to not go into their rooms if they are not in there.

Original poster
blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 07:47

Starseeking · 13/10/2023 23:00

Where was your DH when baby was going into the room? Are you the only person able to redirect your DC?

Not in the house. He doesn't stay home just so I can use the loo

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 08:12

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 14/10/2023 06:58

I don't mean your reply to me. I mean almost every reply. And I'm not the only person to say it.

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I think it was @aSofaNearYou who picked up on this earlier (sorry if it wasn't). But just how do you think I should be responding when people are calling me a monster, accusing me of letting it happen deliberately, of neglecting my child, calling me all sorts of names?

Should I just go ooh yes you're right I'm a monster and a horrible person?

I came to this section to ask stepparents what they thought. It's a tough gig step parenting. I have had lots of useful advice and support. People not calling me thick for not thinking about locking their room. Help with disciplining my child. Help. Support. And yes, help to see that yes I was being a bit unreasonable.

OP posts:
Starseeking · 14/10/2023 08:12

In that case your DH is right, and this is down to you, not anyone else who wasn't in the house at the time.

Doesn't sound like you care though, so I wouldn't worry about it 🤷‍♀️

Littlegoth · 14/10/2023 08:14

LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 22:10

Depriving him of a favourite toy for a while?

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He’s 3. Half an hour later and he won’t remember why his toy has been taken away.

Do you even know any kids?

Original poster
blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 08:15

I genuinely think some posters have gone oooh look a stepmum not behaving in a saintly way - let's tear her to shreds

OP posts:
Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 08:29

blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 08:15

I genuinely think some posters have gone oooh look a stepmum not behaving in a saintly way - let's tear her to shreds

Well you ignore those posts. However, you don't seem to think there's a problem with these kids having their stuff damaged and that's not great.

Puffypuffin · 14/10/2023 08:30

Littlegoth · 14/10/2023 08:14

He’s 3. Half an hour later and he won’t remember why his toy has been taken away.

Do you even know any kids?

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It's really ok to disagree with someone without calling them stupid.