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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
Neonyellowfish · 14/08/2023 22:51

Amethys · 14/08/2023 22:36

So you don’t love them, basically. That’s sad.

Why is it sad? Sad for who? They have a mum to love them already.

AJ65 · 14/08/2023 22:52

If you have a child together with your DH, then it would be a shame for them to grow up without knowing their half siblings, for that reason alone, I'd want to stay in touch.

1037370E · 14/08/2023 22:52

Do they live with you? This might be controversial and I realise it isn't a view shared by everyone but to me, a stepparent is a person who is raising a child, as opposed to a parent's partner who they visit maybe once a fortnight etc. but doesn't actually have a parenting role. If its the former, then I would be surprised, but the latter, not so much.

Theroom · 14/08/2023 22:55

I think it's so dependent on the individuals involved. When I was with my ex he once asked if I'd stay in touch with his family if he died (hell no, they were vile people). But if my DH died I'd hope to keep going on holidays with my in laws! They are so lovely!

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 22:55

AJ65 · 14/08/2023 22:52

If you have a child together with your DH, then it would be a shame for them to grow up without knowing their half siblings, for that reason alone, I'd want to stay in touch.

They have a shared dad. They would see each other when with him.

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 23:01

I think it’s all personal preference and there is no right way to go about it.

I’m still in touch with my dsc and I split with my ex almost 4 years ago now.

I am SO glad that I split with my ex when my dsc was at an age where we could keep in touch directly without the parents being involved. our contact with each other has been very laid back and natural. I’ll always have an open door for visits, and that’s because nobody has put any pressure on me to do anything.

I think that if dsc had been younger, the parents would have been pushy about me seeing dsc and doing xyz, which would have bred resentment on my part as it would have been forced. All while trying to navigate my life as a single parent to my own children. But they’ve always left me alone thank god.

If the parents are pushy towards the stepmum when she leaves the dad, then it will be very counter productive and it will most likely push her away even further. Run for the hills and never look back I would say to any woman in that position.

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2023 23:02

AJ65 · 14/08/2023 22:52

If you have a child together with your DH, then it would be a shame for them to grow up without knowing their half siblings, for that reason alone, I'd want to stay in touch.

Their dad should be the one maintaining contact between his children.

Positive41 · 14/08/2023 23:02

So these kids that you have known from a relatively young age, mean absolutely nothing to you. They come to your home and you couldn't care less if you never saw them again.

Shame on you.

Namechangey23 · 14/08/2023 23:03

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

@hullabalooyou Snow white called...they want their wicked queen back... Or was it Cinderella?

babbscrabbs · 14/08/2023 23:08

PimpMyFridge · 14/08/2023 18:51

I think while it is understandable you don't have the deep bond of a parent, to share your life with someone for 6 years, see them develop and grow and presumably have some influence on that to a greater or lesser extent, and for them to be half siblings of your own children... It is odd you feel nothing at all.

I have to agree with this tbh, especially given they're related to your DC

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 14/08/2023 23:09

Neonyellowfish · 14/08/2023 22:51

Why is it sad? Sad for who? They have a mum to love them already.

Show quote history

You know there isn’t a limit on love though? My stepmum loves me, my mum loves me, my relationship with my dad’s side of the family has been infinitely lifted by my relationship to her. Ironically now her girls have moved out, as im closest, I see her more than ever with my children, despite her being “nothing” now she’s divorced from my dad. It works both ways I suppose - she put in whilst it was good and as a result I have a relationship with her that outlasted that of my fathers.

GlitteryGreen · 14/08/2023 23:10

I'm the same OP. I am fond of my DP's children and have known them for years, but while they'd cross my mind from time to time if we split, I wouldn't be massively upset to not see them anymore. Same with the rest of his family tbh, no offence to them, I like them all very much but our relationship is entirely via him.

SoShallINever · 14/08/2023 23:16

I don't have SC but as someone who cried when the school exchange children went home after a week at our house, I can't relate.

Isitautumnyet23 · 14/08/2023 23:19

I do find it abit sad as you have been in their lives since they were so little - do you not do holidays, days out, family time all togther? I could understand more if they were grown up adult children and you hadn’t really got to see them much, but surely you’ve spent alot if time with his children at that age?

AJ65 · 14/08/2023 23:21

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 22:55

They have a shared dad. They would see each other when with him.

Show quote history

You'd hope so, but it doesn't always work out that way.
I asked my ex to encourage his 2 adult children to contact my teenager at Christmas and he chose to bring up a disagreement he believed the teenager owed his adult daughter, even though he didn't really know what the argument was. My daughter read their last exchange out to me and it sounded perfectly fine.
Luckily, I do really like my stepkids (I've known them since they were tiny, 20-odd years ago), so I'm happy to maintain contact with them.

Notjustabrunette · 14/08/2023 23:21

My friend’s stepmum recently passed away, she was absolutely devastated as she was like a second mum to her. She had been in her life since for 30 years since she was 5. I guess some people form a strong bond and others don’t.

PartyPartyYeah · 14/08/2023 23:26

The poor kids probably sense the coldness too!

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 14/08/2023 23:27

Goodness knows what your friend would think of me ....

I count myself as an empath but i actively go out of my way to avoid my DSC and i am still with my husband !

It has to be this way for the sake of my wellbeing.

It wasnt always this way and lord knows i tried .

Cucucucu · 14/08/2023 23:31

Very strange to me . I love my step children and they are my child siblings .

Squirrelsnut · 14/08/2023 23:32

I think it's unusual to be so detached from children you have known for some years and who are your DC's half siblings.

Fairydustxox · 14/08/2023 23:36

I'm a stepmum and I haven't maintained that bond I used to have.
Basically taking on 2 children full time due to an absent mother, partner worked all hours to provide for us. Being a step mum when their mum is absent is bloody hard, there's a line I couldn't cross because I wasn't their mum and boy did they let me know about it. Still tried and gave them a stable family home for 7 years, despite living with SS incontinence issues day and night at the age of 10 almost 11. As a stepmum I was expected to just do the cleaning and washing, he was under the consultant but nothing improved. This went on for 2 years, struggled living in my home constantly scrubbing and washing to eliminate the wee smell. All the while I overheard my SD refer to me as the evil stepmother. After all the work I'd put in, everything I'd given them I still wasn't good enough. Fair to say when we split there was no love lost, sometimes your best just isn't good enough but I know I can say I tried my bloody best and tried for 7 long years

Berlinlover · 14/08/2023 23:37

I’m shocked at the cold hearted responses on this thread.

EsmeeMerlin · 14/08/2023 23:39

I mean to be fair they might feel the exact same way about you. I have contact with my step mum still over 20 years after my father passed away when I was a child but when my stepfather separated from my mum, we never saw him again nor did we have any interest to. She is married again to a very nice man but again if they were to divorce, I would be pleasant if I bumped into him on the street but would not stay in touch. The only reason they are connected to you is via your marriage so if there is no marriage then gone is the connection unless there is a particularly very close bond there.

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 23:40

Notjustabrunette · 14/08/2023 23:21

My friend’s stepmum recently passed away, she was absolutely devastated as she was like a second mum to her. She had been in her life since for 30 years since she was 5. I guess some people form a strong bond and others don’t.

30 years is a long time, 6 years is not. Who knows what that friends stepmum thought 6 years in.

Sceptre86 · 14/08/2023 23:43

You sound cold. I can't imagine being around a very young child regularly and not coming to love or care for them.