Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

[hullabalooyou]

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

I think it’s really bizarre that anyone would get in a relationship with someone who they know has kids but with the intention of never having any interest in said kids. Just get with one of the many, many childless men/women instead.

I had every intention of being involved. Modelled my relationship with DSS on my relationship with my nieces who I adored. Turns out he grew into a deeply unpleasant person.

Exactly this. If you don't want to feel anything for someone else's children then stay away from their parent. It seems to me to be totally selfish to marry someone and think that their children don't really matter.

Maybe there’s a difference in age. My SC were late teens when I married. They have never made any effort to get on with me or to treat their dad as anything else as a cash cow. They don’t treat their mother any better. Personally I think they are just horrible people. My husband has terminal cancer and there has been no effort on their behalf to help him. I will do the polite while my husband is still here but I have absolutely no intention of attempting to maintain a relationship with them afterwards.

One thing I will say is, kids know and they're taking in what is happening.

I have an excellent relationship with my step mum and none with my own mum now. I found SM always to be respectful of boundaries despite how difficult my mum made things for her. She never pushed, never bad mouthed my mum and despite me not always being forthcoming, I always knew she would be there if I ever needed her so don't think too harshly on the children involved. It really is an awful situation to be in when you're too young to make your own decisions and are guilt tripped by a parent. Often it's easier just to go along with the toxic parents opinion

@feralunderclass I found myself in the scenario that you described. Yes it was difficult as step parent was dead within a year parent dying. Step family are twunts. Nightmare 😫

I divorced my arsewipe ex years ago and fervently hope never to set eyes on him again.
His brother’s child is still my niece although she is in her 20s - she calls me Auntie - which my sister’s children never have.
I will always be there for her - as family - why wouldn’t I be?
I can’t stop being her aunt however unrelated we are.
Doesn’t mean we are close but we are still family

Neither would I. It's one reason I never dated a man with young children after I divorced. I am just not interested in anyone else's children.

I think if the step parent hasn't tried to form an attachment the kids won't either because they pick up on being kept at arms length, not sure of OP's circumstances with their Mum but if you throw a bitter ex into the equation along with not trying there will be no relationship.

Personally I wonder how you can parent separately when you have children in common. Surely the Dad would have the same opinions what is best for both sets of children so is it just Mum's deciding?

How do you explain why they are treated differently when they are supposed to be family? I don't get how that part works (not aimed at OP btw, just generally I don't know how the family can feel like a family in those circumstances).

I think it’s not unusual to feel like that, what is bad though, is that you feel ok to say it out loud to your friend. You dislike them so much that you don’t even feel bad admitting it.

I think OP is simply being honest. Plenty of step parents probably feel like that but don’t come out with it. OP shouldn’t have verbalised it.
I have adult stepchildren and step grandchildren. I couldn’t give a toss if I never saw them again if we split or if DH died but I am only admitting this anonymously online. I will never say it. I would wish them well but that’s it.

That's responsible though. It's not what you want so you don't entertain it in the first place.

Why would you be with someone whose children you don't like?

What was it like for them?

It seems a pity to me. DS is stepdad to two children as well as two of his own. He's very fond of the stepchildren and would really miss them if he split up with their mother.

I think you can easily end up with someone whose children you don’t like.

I adore my DSD. She elected to come and live with us when she was 16 and we bonded really quickly. She is 39 now and I really cannot imagine life without her and my step-granddaughter in it. I absolutely would want to maintain our relationship should anything happen to my DH.

I just imagine OP as Cinderella's step mum now

I think that's perfectly OK tbh with you.
I'm a stepmum, have a child with DH so SC are my child's siblings. If anything happened to DH personally I would make the effort to stay in touch, 1. I care about them, 2. They are my child's sisters, she needs them.
Would I see them as much as I do now, probably not, but would definitely say in touch x

When I got with my dh he had a dd aged 14 , she is now all grown up with a child of her own . I've never felt the need to mother her as she has a mother . Being honest her ds does not feel like a grandchild either .

This is exactly why many step parents are so toxic for children. They will be well aware that you do not love them. Being forced to share your home(s) with adults that you know do not care about you and view you as an inconvenience to be tolerated does immense damage.

So you don’t love them, basically. That’s sad.

You're admission suggests you don't have a close relationship with them, so with that in mind, no, I don't think it would be strange. The other side of it is that no one truly knows for sure how they'd act.

An Uncle and Auntie who I was close to and knew from when I was born until I was in my late twenties split up, roughly ten years ago. I felt inwardly upset that she never said a word to us ever again, poof, she disappeared forever. I loved that woman and was very fond of her. I'd imagine it could literally break your step children, particularly the younger one, if this hypothetical situation was ever to arise.

My stepmom split up with my (narcissistic, twat of a) father a few years and I’m grateful she remained in close contact. He was always very awkward and stilted and her continued presence has allowed me to continue to have a relationship with my half sisters which I might not otherwise have had.

*stepmum shit autocorrect there.

This is why I would never date a man with children. It's irresponsible to flitter in and out of children's lives.

Ah yes, because everyone enters into relationships expecting them to not work out, and are irresponsible for doing so.

The greatest blame can of course be placed at the feet of the parents of the stepchildren, who just couldn’t keep their shit together, by your logic.