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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
Buggersticks · 14/08/2023 23:43

My DSM since we were little, loved us (still does) and we her. Acrimonious split after 10 years meant I never saw her again, and it hurt us all. We're all different xx

Redfoxs · 14/08/2023 23:44

I think in many cases when somebody feels this way it's symptomatic of problems in the relationship or unresolved feelings toward the children's mother.

3 years ago if OP would have asked me, I would have probably said the same as her.

The bigger picture consisted of a high conflict ex who caused me a serious amount of trouble, a rocky relationship with then DP partly due to said ex and some self preservation thrown in as I wasn't sure the relationship would last much longer and tend to put walls up so I don't get hurt.

Today, if OP asked me the same question, I would say that I absolutely would want to keep in touch with them without a shadow of a doubt.

I know it's not fair to have favourites so I would never say this out loud but I love DSS2 almost as much as I do my own DS. I think the reason for that is because he's so much like him (both have similar special needs) and he has come so far.

He has developed into the loveliest boy you could possibly wish to know and seeing how kind, generous, polite, empathetic and loving he is towards all of the other DC (both step and bio) makes me smile from ear to ear

I'm so proud I could burst!

So yes, I would miss them very much.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 14/08/2023 23:44

@Fairydustxox

Exactly .

Sometimes our best just isnt good enough.

I could not have tried harder to support my SC and met their emotional needs above and beyond their mother , so i have no qualms now in being very clear that i do not want a relationship of any kind with them.

MelroseGrainger · 14/08/2023 23:48

I wouldn’t say I’m shocked, but I’m certainly really sad for the children. And surprised that you don’t see that it’s not normal or good to feel that way. They’re not your colleagues or your window cleaner. They’re children whose lives you’ve been part of - as a wider family for many years. Half their lives.

They’re the people loved by the person you loved. You’re saying you don’t really care much for them at all?

That’s just so tragic and sad for them. To grow up feeling and knowing you don’t care about them. They will know that with every fibre of their being, and it will have affected the rest of their lives.

The only thing Im shocked by is that you’re feigning ignorance at your friend’s shock.

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 23:48

AJ65 · 14/08/2023 23:21

You'd hope so, but it doesn't always work out that way.
I asked my ex to encourage his 2 adult children to contact my teenager at Christmas and he chose to bring up a disagreement he believed the teenager owed his adult daughter, even though he didn't really know what the argument was. My daughter read their last exchange out to me and it sounded perfectly fine.
Luckily, I do really like my stepkids (I've known them since they were tiny, 20-odd years ago), so I'm happy to maintain contact with them.

Show quote history

God that’s depressing, what a shit dad he is.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 14/08/2023 23:48

@Squirrelsnut its not unusual.

Its survival .

Issues relating to SC can be extremely traumatic for everyone involved.

Somehow that has to be managed .

Iv had SC for 20 years - knew them and cared for them from age 6.
I want no part of their lives and i dont want them in my own childrens either.

Tweedlelove · 14/08/2023 23:54

I guess it depends how involved with them you are. In an ideal world in your situation I would like to think I would carry on seeing them. As they were so young when you met. They are still your child’s siblings. Maybe it came across a bit heartless when you said it to your friend?

RenoDakota · 15/08/2023 00:01

Berlinlover · 14/08/2023 23:37

I’m shocked at the cold hearted responses on this thread.

So am I.

SheerLucks · 15/08/2023 00:05

MelroseGrainger · 14/08/2023 23:48

I wouldn’t say I’m shocked, but I’m certainly really sad for the children. And surprised that you don’t see that it’s not normal or good to feel that way. They’re not your colleagues or your window cleaner. They’re children whose lives you’ve been part of - as a wider family for many years. Half their lives.

They’re the people loved by the person you loved. You’re saying you don’t really care much for them at all?

That’s just so tragic and sad for them. To grow up feeling and knowing you don’t care about them. They will know that with every fibre of their being, and it will have affected the rest of their lives.

The only thing Im shocked by is that you’re feigning ignorance at your friend’s shock.

This. Gosh.

Bbq1 · 15/08/2023 00:15

Not much if a "blended family" is it though when the poor kids aren't even liked by Op. She sounds very cold and callous and it's weird to even be thinking that. No wonder there are screwed up kids around. If a person is that unfeeling about a partners kids, it's easy, just don't get involved in the first place.

NosinaBook · 15/08/2023 00:25

I find it cold. My own step mother is probably the person I turn to most, apart from my husband. She treated me like her own from the start. I just can't understand spending 6 years with these children but not really caring for them or seeing them as family.

Moneynewpence · 15/08/2023 00:26

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/08/2023 19:03

Bloody hell. My bloody just ran cold reading this and a couple of the comments. I presume OP & PP dislike animals too, right?

Well that's a stupid assumption. You're one of those "I judge people who don't like animals' loons aren't you?

gettingoldisshit · 15/08/2023 00:27

One of the best things about getting rid of my ex was not having to see his awful dc ever again!

AJ65 · 15/08/2023 00:56

NosinaBook · 15/08/2023 00:25

I find it cold. My own step mother is probably the person I turn to most, apart from my husband. She treated me like her own from the start. I just can't understand spending 6 years with these children but not really caring for them or seeing them as family.

That's lovely. I've had a mixed relationship with my step mother, but she is definitely my daughter's favourite grandmother!

Uptoyou34 · 15/08/2023 07:15

It's quite evident that a lot of replies on here are from people who aren't step-parents. They come on here and tell us we're wicked all whilst having no idea what it actually takes to be a step-parent.

We are constantly told not to over step the mark, the kids already have '2 parents', there's no reason for us to be at sports days, and god forbid we ever sit at the top table at their wedding. Yet here we are being told we are cruel & heartless for not loving these kids as our own. It's baffling.

We are human. We can't just switch on feelings and love instantly. That doesn't mean the children will have trauma from this. We aren't walking around the house we share with their Dad slagging them off and wishing them gone. We are just doing the best we can.

I'm step mum to DSD 10 and been with her Dad since she was 4. I always think about her when she's round. What fun things can we do today? What meal might she like? Is she ok? Am I spending enough time with her, does she need more alone time with her Dad?... and now the big one, do I I love her? Honestly I don't think I do no. Do I wish her well always? Yes of course. If her Dad & I split would I continue to see her? As she's 10 and unable to see me independently, probably not no. I would miss her occasionally but we would both move on and be fine and think of good times we did share.

splitin3 · 15/08/2023 07:20

AlfietheSchnauzer · 14/08/2023 19:03

Bloody hell. My bloody just ran cold reading this and a couple of the comments. I presume OP & PP dislike animals too, right?

I have been sm to 5 since youngest was 4. She is now 23. Their dad has complex MH issues, which have gotten worse over the last 6 years. His behaviour is definitely challenging now (bpd) . Growing up he was there for them. High earner who paid maintenance over and above - we had them without fail EOW f-m, one night mid week and one weekend day every weekend.
4 years ago the middle 3 just stopped contact. They found dad 'too difficult' (this coincided with him no longer being able to work and pay for everything they ever asked for.

I cooked and cleaned for them for two decades. Gave cuddles when little and again through teenage heart breaks. They dropped us when the money dried up. He is heartbroken and it has definitely made his MH worse.

The youngest and oldest are good decent human beings. The other three I miss not for a moment and would never reach out to them. They are hugely self absorbed and just unkind people.

The difference between kids and step kids ? Mine would never desert me if I were sick .

Notjustabrunette · 15/08/2023 07:40

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 23:40

30 years is a long time, 6 years is not. Who knows what that friends stepmum thought 6 years in.

Show quote history

Well considering she fought for custody of her when she was a young teen, I would say it was fairly strong.

Betafeta · 15/08/2023 07:50

Uptoyou34 · 15/08/2023 07:15

It's quite evident that a lot of replies on here are from people who aren't step-parents. They come on here and tell us we're wicked all whilst having no idea what it actually takes to be a step-parent.

We are constantly told not to over step the mark, the kids already have '2 parents', there's no reason for us to be at sports days, and god forbid we ever sit at the top table at their wedding. Yet here we are being told we are cruel & heartless for not loving these kids as our own. It's baffling.

We are human. We can't just switch on feelings and love instantly. That doesn't mean the children will have trauma from this. We aren't walking around the house we share with their Dad slagging them off and wishing them gone. We are just doing the best we can.

I'm step mum to DSD 10 and been with her Dad since she was 4. I always think about her when she's round. What fun things can we do today? What meal might she like? Is she ok? Am I spending enough time with her, does she need more alone time with her Dad?... and now the big one, do I I love her? Honestly I don't think I do no. Do I wish her well always? Yes of course. If her Dad & I split would I continue to see her? As she's 10 and unable to see me independently, probably not no. I would miss her occasionally but we would both move on and be fine and think of good times we did share.

Exactly this….

For the past 3.5 years I’ve been fun, inclusive, caring and done everything I can within the SM boundaries, can’t get too close as then you’re trying to replace their mum, can’t be too distant as then you’re not trying. It’s a very difficult and for me impossible battle, both my SC are under 10, I am separating from their dad so how on earth (even if I wanted too) could I maintain an independent relationship with them?

Relationship break ups are difficult enough without the added pressure of maintaining a relationship that in my situation (no shared DC) isn’t worth maintaining.

Daffodilwoman · 15/08/2023 07:50

I remember when my neighbours split up. Even though they had lived together with her dcs, he never saw his step children after they split. I commented to my then dp how strange that was, he disagreed and said if was the norm. Now I’ve got my own dcs I think it is the norm.
Look at how many children don’t have contact with their biological parents never mind non biological parents.

funinthesun19 · 15/08/2023 08:04

I think in many cases when somebody feels this way it's symptomatic of problems in the relationship or unresolved feelings toward the children's mother.

This!

When I was with my ex, my feelings about dsc were clouded because of the parents. I viewed “my ex, his ex wife and their child” as one big problem. And I found it difficult to separate the child from the parents. If you’d have asked me back then would you want to see dsc again I would have said no. And do you know what, in that dark time I don’t blame me for thinking like that. I wasn’t in a position to want to be nice. I just wanted out.

After he left, I felt differently. In fact I love dsc more now than I did when I was with their dad. That sounds awful, but their dad made it very difficult for me to be a happy stepmum. On my own though? Much easier.

SeulementUneFois · 15/08/2023 08:17

Same here OP, although they are older (teenagers).
No bond ever developed as each time I see them they treat their father so badly.

Nothing extreme as such (although there was the time one punched him in the face and broke his lip - sadly probably passed on from their mother who used to punch him on the regular).

Just the unending contempt and disdain with which they treat him is so sad to see, day after day after day.

BigGreen · 15/08/2023 08:22

Aw I miss by son's best buddy who moved away to a different town! We bubbled together during covid. I do think it's strange that you haven't formed any attachment.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 08:26

You're not odd at all, in fact it's the ignorant preciousness of people like this that makes step parenting so isolating at times. They always expect you to love being a step parent - perhaps if they didn't, less people would go into it clueless about how tough it was going to be.

I see my step child a lot like my other in laws. Yes I've known him a long time, but when you split from your partner, you might want to stay in touch, or you might want a clean break. I would want a clean break. I would likely be upset about the split and continued contact with his family would draw that out.

On top of that, my DSC has always been the biggest source of stress and frustration in my relationship. So it's really more like expecting someone to want to stay in touch with one of the difficult MILs you see talked about on here. Not likely, is it.

Crucible · 15/08/2023 08:26

One of the best weddings I've been to was where the bride made it clear she got the best deal in the world because her husband had a wonderful son and she got a 2 for 1 deal. It helped a lot I guess that his Mum was absent almost from day one (she couldn't cope from the off, she could barely manage herself). They clearly adored eachother and His step mum is his mum. It just doesn't always work that way. It's sad but understandable.

Allsweep · 15/08/2023 08:31

BigGreen · 15/08/2023 08:22

Aw I miss by son's best buddy who moved away to a different town! We bubbled together during covid. I do think it's strange that you haven't formed any attachment.

This is the thing I find strange.. it's not about expecting stepparents to "love them like their own" as some posters have used as a strawman, it's perfectly normal to feel fondness/affection towards children who aren't yours. And I do find it a bit shocking if you can spend so much time with a child and not care even a tiny bit about not seeing them again.

There are loads of children I miss and would like to keep in touch with that I have spent time with in my life - my neighbours who moved away, the kids I babysat as a teen (went to one of their weddings recently!), my son's best friend from nursery etc etc