The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

Yes to this. It will still hurt OP to recognise this I think, but I think @JH20000 needs to recognise this is who he is and start protecting herself now and for the future when he's seeking support himself and turns to her for that. 🌹

Only just found this thread. No idea why as I'm always on MN!

OP, you should be so proud of yourself for coming through this. Life for you will be onwards and upwards from now. I'd give myself time before embarking on a new relationship as you definitely have to deal with the outstanding emotions from this first.

With regards to your dad, continue to tell him very little about your life, and certainly nothing personal. Maybe make the occasional comment about how much better and happy your life is now you're away from ex, in the hope it gets back to him. I'm sorry you've had such shit men in your life - your dad, your ex husband, your ex partner.

You sound like a lovely person so I hope you do eventually meet a nice man when the time is right. For now, enjoy setting up a new home, doing your hobbies, work hard (anyone who can earn a promotion and get a bonus whilst going through that shit must be amazing!), seeing friends, loving your dog. Everything will start to become brighter soon 💐

Hi all, sorry I’ve only just caught up with the messages - things with my dad are very up and down and have always been. I’ve been so busy with work I’ve had to shelve the fact temporarily he is now friends with my ex. My relationship with my family is something that is being discussed at counselling too. All your messages are giving good insights too so thank you. I am going to re-read them.

talking about my ex, I got a random message from him earlier today! A random text message from a number I don’t know - he’s asking to see the dog (who is with me) and has asked if he can take the dog away on a ‘romantic mini break with his girlfriend’ (his words). It just twists the knife doesn’t it?! He was close to the dog and enjoyed being with him but it’s still pissing me off massively that he sent that.

Just finished having a good cry actually. It’s hurting today.

Don't even reply.

In the eyes of the law a dog is a possession and you own it so just ignore ignore ignore.

He doesn't want the dog - he wants to hurt you and you have come so very far given all of his attempts to stop you from moving forward.

I'm sorry about your dad keeping in touch with him but again you're making such good progress with your counsellor - remember one day at a time.

Ignore.
And block that number.

And think yourself lucky that you are no longer with this cockwomble of a man.

He's knows it upsets you and he's doing it on purpose. He gets a kick out of having the power to hurt you.

One thing I’m having trouble with is the fact I wasted a good 3 years on him. 3 years when I’m in my mid 30s and now having to start all over again, when perhaps I even wanted a family. He’s taken that opportunity from me. It’s my biggest issue with the situation and although we are exploring it in counselling I can’t help but be angry and sad about it. I feel I’ve wasted 3 years of my life.

Sorry for the vent.

I am planning to ignore the text - the reason why the dog is in my name and I pay everything for him etc etc is because I had a feeling he’d tried to take him if we split.

Don't think of it as wasting 3 years but 3 years learning some very valuable things and avoiding wasting a lifetime on this loser
Hugs

My first reaction is that he is just poking at you for a reaction, and trying to destabilise you. Now, it's trying to use the dog. As others have said, please just try to rise above this.
I know it's hard, because it's so unjust, but please remember your own values, and that you are worth better than this. If his life is so blooming fabulous, he wouldn't keep trying to interfere in yours.

So he’s just sent through another message (I have now blocked the number). It said something along the lines of ‘I knew you wouldn’t reply, blah blah blah then lots of laughing emojis.

Trying to not let it get to me but ffs this is hard.

thanks everyone

Has he got nothing better to do? What a loser!

You, on the other hand, are a winner!

Keep strong. xx

BTW, I know how easy it is for other people to make throwaway comments about somebody else's life. Everyone's situation is unique, and you have to deal with and process the grief in your own way. I wish you well. x

God he is lame. You're doing amazingly well OP, even if it doesn't feel like that.

You haven't wasted 3 years on him. It might feel like that because those years have past but they weren't wasted. The whole 3 years weren't shit. There were good times. You learnt a lot. Try to find the positives. What have you learnt about yourself, your friend and family. How have you grown? Although, when looking for the positives don't forget that he's a gigantic wanker because it's easy to romanticise.

Your in your 30s your not dead yet. If your worried about fertility maybe get a fertility MOT to check your egg reserves. Lots of women have kids in their late 30s and early 40s. I had both of mine after 40.

I think you need to get your solicitor to write a letter to you ex and tell him to stop contacting you. If he continues that you'll report him to the police for harassment.

For a man so very happy with his many relationships... he spends a lot of time trying to annoy you!

His real life is not as satisfying as he would like you to believe. It seems the most fun he can get is to find new ways of up-setting you. Don't let him!

💐

That message was composed and sent deliberately to hurt you.

He is so angry that you dared to end it. He is so deficient and unhappy he still needs to lash out and try and hurt you!

You will grow so much through your therapy and be so much more aware of finding a decent partner from now on.

Of course it will take time.

Thank goodness you did wake up to the abuse after only 3 years! Many people take 3 decades or waste their whole adult life stuck being abused.

I think you can block messages from all unknown numbers and that may be a sensible approach!

Keep blocking, he’ll run out of numbers. It’s clear he still very much wants your attention.

If he still persists I would take it further - police.solicitor… as it’s falling into harassment now.

Ultimately consider changing your everyday number.

Perhaps use a dual SIM so you could check back occasionally in case you have missed calls or messages that matter, at least then you can do it as and when feeling up to it and having more control.

@JH20000
This is a deliberate effort to destabilise your equilibrium and cause upset. He knows that he's blocked but is still contacting you despite it being very plain that you do not wish to engage. Even a simpleton would understand that their attentions are not welcome but yet he persists. This is harassment.
I think that it's now time to go down the legal route. Under these circumstances I would get a solicitor to send him a cease & desist letter laying it out in simple terms that you no longer have common business to discuss, that you no longer wish to be contacted by him in any form what so ever and that if you receive any further communication then you will report him to the police for harassment.
Hopefully a letter would put an end to it but if it doesn't then he's been warned and you can report him.

Change your number?

@Theunamedcat
Why should she have to? But having said that the police would probably suggest it because it's far easier to get the victim to change numbers rather than actually go and see the guilty party.

The police will tell her to do it they won't bother dealing with the issue at all they told me to change my number when my ex was calling me all hours threatening to bomb me burn my house down etc I said we have children I'm not allowed to not be in contact he said sounds like you will have to put up with it then, looked past me and said "next"