The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

He has not changed. He's still the unsupportive, abusive cretin he was at the later stages of your life with him. If I remember correctly, didn't he hit you and upend a dish of gravy over you? Tried to persuade you to leave your home - which you co-own(ed) within a timeframe he set - when his Ex and feral children would then do whatever, as you would no longer be there, in your own home? Threatened you with Social Services who, thankfully, saw straight through him. Thank goodness you had the means to be financially independent of him when you needed to be - what if you hadn't?

Leave him to his women (if that's even true). They will see through him and run. Your future will only get better the more you have physical and mental distance from him. Covered your own posts to see how far you've really come. 🌹

36 pages!!! Can you give me the highlights?

@StormingNorman
click on the 'see all' for the op posts

Yes I believe this. It all just comes across as so ‘make believe’

It was definitely a way to get to me.

Whilst I appreciate every message I’ve seen on this thread this hits the nail on the head so so much.

Yes to the hitting and gravy incidents - I need to remember back to these times instead of feeling melancholy about it all ending. The man left bruises on me and I still can’t shake the emotions I have for him.

I wish I could fast forward another six months to be honest.

@JH20000

You WILL get there - believe me. 🌹

@JH20000 When you first started this thread in July of last year, I read your initial post and can remember thinking what a bloody awful situation you were in. I've followed this thread since then, and I've seen you draw on your inner strength to extricate yourself from an abusive relationship, and how hard it has been for you to find confidence in yourself again.

When you talk about how hard it is for you right now because you still have emotions for the man who - forgive me for the wording - treated you like shit, remember that our brains are hard-wired to shield us from traumatic memories. It suppresses them or makes them fuzzy around the edges, which allows us to find the strength we need to pick ourselves up and move on. Sometimes that allows us to romanticise about the past - it's perfectly normal, and you will move on from this.

Somebody once gave me some advice that really stuck with me: You cannot change people, they have to want it for themselves. Be honest with yourself about what your limits are, stick to them and do whatever it takes to protect yourself. I think that you have done just that, and I have nothing but admiration for you, because I know just how hard it is to leave behind an abusive relationship and keep moving forward. For me, there came a day when it stopped being hard: I simply woke up one day and felt free. I hope that happens for you one day soon, because you deserve nothing but happiness.

@JH20000
It's a trauma bond that you're feeling. For a long time it was you and him standing together protecting his kids from their other family and SS, fighting hand in hand. But that was a lie and by the time that you realised that, the bond had stuck like gorilla glue. The ex ripped himself free of the bond because it suited him but what about you...you're still stuck on the faux bond that he created and it's left that scar which you pick at. This is why you need a good therapist to unpick what's happened and to help you dissolve the bond and fix the scar.

I have asked myself why he feels the need keep the contact up or make sure that you know what he's allegedly up to. It comes down to one thing - his ego.
I'm pretty sure that his ego has taken quite the knock when you stood up for yourself, made him leave and sold the house. What were you thinking in rejecting him????? I strongly suspect that he believes that if he makes himself look sooo attractive and irresistible then you will come back begging for another chance at his juicy offerings. After all how could you not? How can you possibly resist this prince of peaches? He telling you what his price is up front - it's having the privilege of housing him, feeding him, taking shite off his kids, giving sex on tap and not least, allowing him to shag about while you become the 'cool girlfriend' and look the other way. It really is that simple.... which makes him one stupid bastard in my book.
This really is nothing about you being inadequate within that relationship. It is all about him having the brain of a pea, the empathy of a rock and the intelligence of a....actually there's nothing low enough to equate to. You were a perfectly excellent partner in all respects but he was unable to match YOU. He knows it too because your love, support and grace lifted his standing and he couldn't bring that down to his true level despite his very best efforts and he hated that. That makes you one hell of a woman and you should be proud.

On practicalities - when a new message comes block and delete without reading it. When someone comes up to you to tell you a bit of juicy gossip then put your hand up and say "nope stop it right there - I do not care & I do not need to hear it". It doesn't matter how funny it is at the time, it is hurting you later. If he approaches you then tell him to fuck off and carry on with what you're doing and do not say another word. You have removed a bloody great splinter from your hand of life so why do you keep running your hand down fences trying to get more splinters?

He was chomping at the bit to tell your friend all about his 5 imaginary girlfriends, all because you have blocked him from your phone, so he can’t tell you that way! He saw a great opportunity to pass information to you in an attempt to hurt you. I agree with the poster above - if anyone comes to you and says “oh I saw idiot ex-boyfriend yesterday………” Cut them off immediately and ask them not to finish their sentence. Tell them you don’t want to know anything about him and could they please not tell you if they talk to him again. Another form of blocking him from your life.

I had to hunt for this thread! Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing OP

Hello! :)

yes I am ok I guess, thank you for asking.

I have been feeling very emotional as I am well deep into therapy now and my counsellor is helping me to unpick a lot of emotional shit basically.

I think I was a bit naive that I’d be fine and dandy after the split and it’s hit me that I’m not okay, I think my sadness has turned to anger though. I feel angry at letting someone waste my time like that. Still, therapy IS helping a lot.

He has not been in touch at all, I haven’t heard anything about him and I’ve told people not to give me any info if they hear anything.

Thank you for checking up on me though.

Hopefully it’s a process and at the end you’ll feel better at the end of it. Sometimes you have to let things go, he did waste your time, it’s done now though. I’m sure things didn’t work out how he wanted as well, his inability to parent and deal with his ex allowed him to ruin his own life. I can guarantee he’s not having a good time now, you just don’t know about it.

I hope you are trying to make some nice plans going forward and enjoying having your own space again. Did you buy somewhere new. I hope you are making it nice for yourself.

Good to her are slowly getting through the process.
You need time to heal yourself now and allow yourself to grieve the relationship thar you thought you had. Much love. Be proud of your strength.

Not sure how to deal with this.

Ex and my dad always got on well. I’ve had a difficult relationship with my dad throughout life and always felt he never believed anything I ever told him about my ex. He knows that ex physically hurt me etc etc. In fact when ex wanted me out the house the first thing my dad said was ‘what did you do?’ (As in he was assuming I had done something wrong!)

I found out over the weekend that my dad and my ex have stayed friends and have been meeting up for a beer occasionally. I don’t really tell my dad much about my life so I’m assuming not much information is being passed onto my ex but I am a bit upset that my own father could think having a drink with him is OK.

Not sure if I’m asking for advice but it has flummoxed me a little!

If your dad doesn’t know you can’t expect him to react like he does.
I might just tell him you don’t want to go into detail but ex was violent and abusive and you are disappointed he would want to spend time with someone like that.

Depends whether you want to keep a relationship with your Dad I guess?

I think it depends on what kind of relationship you want with your dad.

Generally, the idea of staying friendly with someone who knew I'd been physically abused and treated awfully, yet sought to blame me and stay friendly with the abuser would feel alien. So given that lack of support and trust, I'd reduce contact to the very minimum if not breaking contact entirely.

If you don't feel that way, then it might be better to keep putting the boundaries you have about info sharing in place. Tell him nothing personal, nothing that could be twisted or shared and practice a phrase to shut down the conversation if your dad brings him up.

It's worth noting that with a dad like that, it's hardly any wonder someone abusive targeted you.

Hmm....I'm not surprised by this turn of events. Behind the abused is always a line up of abusers. From what you say your father hasn't ever had your back I guess? I hope that this early experience is also being examined with your therapist.
If you are not close and do not have a good relationship then perhaps limited contact is something for you to consider going forward? See it as an opportunity to just make sure that your father is okay but just avoid telling him anything about yourself. On the other hand if you went full no contact then no one here would blame you. What has 'flummoxed' you is hurt. You should have been able to expect more from your own parent such as loyalty and an indication that he cared enough to distance himself from your ex out of respect for you. It feels like another deep blow to you because as their 'child' you hope that your father would call out the ex's behaviour and put YOU first without judgement and prejudice. You are now forced to examine whether having gotten rid of your abusive ex, you now need to do the same in other relationships and that hurts. I'm so sorry.

Hmm…. I suspect your dad is being himself. It’s just that this time, it’s very obvious that his attitude (towards you? Women in general? Expectations of women’s behaviour ?) is very visibly not on.

I think I would tell him you find it galling that he is still friend with a man who was physically hitting you.
But I wouldn’t expect him to change his behaviour.

I would however, file that information and take a hard look at what you think your relationship with your dad can look like. Taking that and all the rest if your history into account.

Oh @JH20000 I am so sorry to hear this.

If I'm honest I think you need to go in with a very clear narrative here with your Dad. Along the lines of

Dad you are not in possession of all the facts re Ex and I don't want to go into details but you need to understand that he has treated me very badly indeed. So much so that police have been involved and I am going to therapy to deal with the fallout of all this. I am therefore asking you to take this on board and decide if you want to maintain friendship with someone who has treated me so badly. I can't tell you who to see or what to do but please know that I feel so strongly about how badly he has acted throughout this situation that I am completely NC and have blocked him therefore if you choose to continue to see him, I may have to reduce my contact with you accordingly.

Something along these lines. You need to make sure he understands how bad this has been and that you are NC with ex.

@AsterixAndPersimmon @Keepinmovin

To be honest I wouldn't say a word. OP's father seems to have little or no empathy or emotional intelligence and would appear to have a misogynistic attitude towards women so what would it achieve? He is definitely seems to be on 'team all women deserve it' with the ex. Saying something to her father is likely to earn the OP more derision from him which is actually more damaging - parents are NOT owed an explanation for our decisions and neither do we owe them fealty because they just happened to create us. The best reaction is to say and do nothing and cut back contact to the absolute minimum.

I agree with MothralovesGojira

The OPs father knows that her ex was physically abusive. He knows the ex tried to chuck her out of her home.

The more she says to her dad, the more the ex gets to feed on and it's clear her dad knows enough and doesn't care.

He knows that ex physically hurt me etc etc

Now it all makes sense on why you stayed with this man so long, and why it hurts so much. Your father had already preconditioned you to accept that you are worthless, that your views and feelings are to be ignored and invalidated. I am so sorry OP

Just because he's your DF, doesn't make him a nice person, we've been conditioned to think that fathers should be protectors, the one that has your back, especially if you're a daughter. Trouble is your DF isn't that person and you need to realise that, he's a dick! He's probably the reason your radar is screwed around men. He's the one you've used as the blueprint for any relationship.

@MothralovesGojira I agree that talking about it wouldn’t change much apart from giving the OP the opportunity to claim her boundaries iyswim.

My gut says that staying in contact with her DF might not be the best either. But I also think it’s a huge decision. Not an easy one at all. And I wouldn’t blame the OP from shying away from doing that tbh. Esp seeing what she has just gone through, she doesn’t need MORE drama iyswim