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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Feels like a stay at home dad.

102 replies

Chedderbites2 · 26/07/2023 23:15

My toddler and I live with my partner and his 7 year old dc. Both of our dc go to their dads/mums house every other weekend. We have only lived together for about 7 months and he is struggling with looking after my toddler when I'm in work. For context I work usually 3 long days a week. My toddler will often be in nursery on those days so he has to do drop off in am, collect 6pm and bed for 7. There is an occasional day when my shift won't fall on a nursery day so he has him for the full day. The other 4 days a week I'm with the kids full time and rarely have a nursery day off for time to myself. My partner is struggling with my toddler saying he feels like a stay at home dad. That he is restricted to school run times or nursery times and can't do anything ( he does have the 9 or so hours hes in nursery but says this isn't enough) when I question well u have to do it for ur dc he says thats different she's my kid. The days I am off he chooses still to not really do anything. He is unemployed currently but working on a business from home so doesn't have set hours or anything to do just gets draws as and when (artist) trying to build a portfolio. He is asking me if my toddlers dad will have him more which he won't I have asked before I basically beg them to see him now. I have also offered to pay for a babysitter to collect him from nursery and put him to bed which he has accepted. I feel a bit disheartened I don't know where this is going. He knew my situation and that I have a toddler when we got together. I embrace his child and watch her when he's drawing and take her for days out etc to give him a break. He says he feels like my babysitter. It hurts because I thought this was what families do. Both parents support each other and then when ur off u have times you come together. He just sees it as a 'u and ur son' 'me and my dc'

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

curtaintwitcher23 · 27/07/2023 19:01

Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 18:58

@Hoppinggreen he is not a loser he has been their more for my ds than his own dad has even been and he's right about that. Yes now he's kicking off about it and realized he doesn't want it but he still tried I guess. His own dad I have to force to see him. I can't make him want to be a step dad or be a family man unfortunately

No you can't which is why you need to make the difficult decision to leave for the sake of your son who is your number one priority, he might be unsettled at first but it's better than a lifetime of psychological damage.
I'm very sorry but it really doesn't sound like you partner loves you and he has basically said it's over.

CurlewKate · 27/07/2023 19:06

@Chedderbites2 Just in case you missed my earlier post, make sure your contraception is rock solid and you control it.

smartiesnskittles · 27/07/2023 19:18

He is a loser. You don't pick good men.

Lots of LTB but you aren't interested. He semi-neglects his own child and will avoid looking after your toddler at all costs. Yes- poor kids. Your ds at least has a hope at being emotionally secure his dd doesn't.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 19:20

How can he not be “step dad” when you have a child?

I have step children and completely agree that boundaries are important but I have never thought to myself, never mind said, “I want you but not your children” to my partner. Almost all of my frustrations about being a step parent are caused by their mother, who is a shit parent in my opinion, and I think they deserve better.

It’s absolutely fine if you and he think your son’s dad should do more, it sounds very much like he’s a loser as well. It is not fine to treat your still very young son like an inconvenience.

scoobysnaxx · 27/07/2023 19:22

@Chedderbites2

“I understand his frustrations he doesn't want to be a dad or step dad and it annoys him my sons real father doesn't bother with him much. He wants me to essentially drop my son at his dads door and run away to force him into seeing him more which i couldn't do but then he says well if ur giving him a choice then I should have a choice too”

Honestly this makes me weep for your poor child. Only a toddler and already unwanted by 2 men in his life. How awful. PLEASE remove your son from this situation before he develops rejection issues that lasts a lifetime!!

“said can we chat I want to sort things out like whether I need to reduce my hours or what days for babysitter etc and he just said there's nothing to talk about either sort it or I'm done then slams the door and walks out”

1 - why are you even considering changing your hours or getting a baby sitter? Because your boyfriend doesn’t want to look after your kid or be a step parent? You're putting his needs above your child's. The right decision here is to LEAVE as it is not what you need or want in your life. You clearly want a family and a father figure for your child. He doesn’t want to be one. End of??

2 - sort it or I’m done? Get rid of your kid or I’m done?

Honestly OP - you’re an awful parent if you do anyone else but leave this ‘man’.

This is not the life you want or need and it certainly isn’t what your child NEEDS.

Also:

he absolutely is a deadbeat. Just because your sons real dad is "worse", doesn't make this a good one. He is begrudgingly looking after your son and leaving him unattended. He is oozing resentment your son will already be picking up on.

never BEG any man or anyone to be in your sons life. They will either show up and be involved or they won't.

PearlRuby · 27/07/2023 19:22

Uprooting your son from nursery and finding a new job will seem like non issues compared to what you will have to deal with in a few years. Honestly OP what is the point if he doesn’t want to be a family? Can you honestly see a like of you looking after yours and he his? Just not sustainable in the long term and will only cause you and your dc much more heartache in the end. Don’t let your dc be in an environment where he is aware he isn’t really wanted

rainbowstardrops · 27/07/2023 19:25

He resents your child and doesn't want to be a step parent! Put your child first woman!

Hoppinggreen · 27/07/2023 19:27

Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 18:58

He’s got no job and lives with him Mum.
He doesn’t want to be a father to your child
Doesnt sound like much of a catch

GrazingSheep · 27/07/2023 19:28

Your child is on a pathway to being a very damaged person. That is all on you. Your desire to be in a shit relationship seems uk trump his rights to a happy childhood. Shame on you .

TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2023 19:31

This is starting to read like the mothers account of her relationship with the man who ends up killing their child you read about in the papers.
Please move out and stay away from this person, he is no good for you or your son.

justme2022 · 27/07/2023 19:34

He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler as he doesn't want more kids

The second these words left his mouth you and your son should have been out the door. He is telling you loud and clear that your child is an inconvenience that he doesn't want and you're trying to hang on to him?

velvetstars · 27/07/2023 19:39

Christ OP your standards are abysmally low.

You think he's not a deadbeat because he's not entirely as shit as your child's bio DF.

Your DP is an unemployed wannabe artist living at home with his mum. He neglected your toddler, who then nearly injured themselves with sharp metal utensils. What about this are you refusing to understand.

Get out of there for your child's sake, then get some therapy so the next man you meet is better for you and your DS.

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 19:44

This is an interesting read. There's many a post from a step mum who is 'unpaid' child care and is completely supported on mn as she should not have to provide childcare for her step children as they have two parents to do that.

I'm of the feeling if you are a family you should pull together and support each other. Ultimately if he doesn't want to be a parental figure to your child it's not going to work long term.

Stomacharmeleon · 27/07/2023 20:11

@Chedderbites2 you shouldn't be forcing your child on anybody be it errant father or shabby 'step-dad'.

@Hoppinggreen you mean tortured artist who lives with his mum?!

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 21:04

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 19:44

I'm of the feeling if you are a family you should pull together and support each other. Ultimately if he doesn't want to be a parental figure to your child it's not going to work long term.

It’s not at all interesting, because that’s not the issue here.

The op’s partner opening saying he doesn’t want her little boy around is the issue. Not wanting to provide childcare is absolutely fine.

MeridianB · 27/07/2023 21:53

He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler

Please read these words, @Chedderbites2

This man is crystal clear that he doesn’t want your child. There really isn’t anything else to say.

You need to leave for good asap and put your tiny child first.

riotlady · 27/07/2023 22:39

Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 18:58

Just because he’s not as shit as your ex doesn’t mean he’s a good partner

Nazzywish · 27/07/2023 22:47

Pull your head out of the sand OP. You know what you need to do for your kids sake but are being selfish I think by staying with this guy putting yourself and your relationship above dc and their needs. He needs someone in his life that will value and love him. Not despise him for coming in the way. And this will get worse the older he gets he'll feel it more.

Saschka · 28/07/2023 10:16

FFS. He doesn’t want you to “essentially drop my son at his dads door and run away” in order to force your son’s dad to see him more. He wants you to dump your son somewhere, anywhere else BECAUSE HE WANTS RID OF HIM, AND HAS EXPLICITLY SAID THIS TO YOU AT OTHER TIMES.

Jesus Christ, this has to be a troll. Nobody could be this obtuse.

Saschka · 28/07/2023 10:18

Seriously, send your son to live with your parents. Your DP will be happy, because he’ll be rid of your son. You’ll be happy, because your only priority is keeping your man. And your poor child will be away from this abusive prick

Whichwhatnow · 28/07/2023 11:21

@Chedderbites2

"I know he will be successful one day and I hope he is"

I am not going to get into the situation with your toddler as that has been covered extensively. I do want to make sure you are aware quite how incredibly tough it is to make (decent) money as an artist. It really doesn't matter how talented your DP is.

My social circle and family are almost all very arty/creative, and most have at some point tried to make a living out of it.

I would say that all are talented in different ways. Some are genuinely exceptional. All have worked HARD at it. Yet the only ones I know who have 'succeeded' fall into three categories:

Those with contacts or enough money behind them (trust funds etc) that they could really push their art, hiring spaces for exhibitions etc etc
Those who essentially got lucky - the 'right' style, in the right place and at the right time - think along the lines of Banksy
Those who, while making money from their skills, have kind of sold out - eg the photographer who now makes money from weddings rather than the amazing arty nature/gritty shots she loves, or the tattooist who does half a dozen unimaginative tribal/script/flash pieces for every one that they can really use their artistic talent on

The rest either have ultimately either got a normal (i.e. paid) job and treat the art as a hobby that occasionally brings in a few quid on Etsy or whatever, or has a partner (or parent...) who supports them to the point that they don't need to do paid work.

Do you really want to financially support your DP in pursuing his passion forever? Looking after his kid and the home, earning the money and even paying for childcare for your own kid so that he can 'work' uninterrupted? Because that's what you're signing up for here.

Habbohotell · 28/07/2023 17:31

He doesn’t sound a catch, I’d leave.

Having moved in with him so quickly to say you have a young child, it sounds to me like you were hoping for a father figure for your son and to be a family unit (I understand that).

Sometimes that does happen but don’t go looking for it or forcing it - if/when it does come you will know.

Focus on you and your son for now. You are Mum AND Dad to your son and any woman who does that is bloody amazing in my book. Good luck.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/07/2023 17:39

He's an arsehole op.

He doesn't work, but you have the kids 4 days a week when you're not working. He can send his Mommy out to collect his kid so he doesn't have to do it, and leaves a SEVEN YEAR OLD to make a pot noodle and do whatever she wants but he can't be arsed to look after yours for an hour and put them to bed. He RESENTS your child, doesn't want more than the one he's got and feels that when he does what you do, he's a babysitter and being used, but is happy for you to do it and more.

He has zero respect for you.

He dislikes your kid.

The sad thing is that when you leave his kid will be left with barely anyone who cares. If his daughters Mother know what a shit Dad he is and still prefers for him to have primary care, I can't imagine what she's like as a parent.

But leave, before your kid realises they're unwanted.

Madamecastafiore · 28/07/2023 18:02

Your benchmark on a good dad is far too low. Just because he's not as bad as the loser who is your son's biological parent doesn't make him good, it just makes him not as bad.

MisschiefMaker · 28/07/2023 18:02

You must be really in love with him because on paper there is really no reason to be with him.

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