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Original poster

Feels like a stay at home dad.

102 replies

Chedderbites2 · 26/07/2023 23:15

My toddler and I live with my partner and his 7 year old dc. Both of our dc go to their dads/mums house every other weekend. We have only lived together for about 7 months and he is struggling with looking after my toddler when I'm in work. For context I work usually 3 long days a week. My toddler will often be in nursery on those days so he has to do drop off in am, collect 6pm and bed for 7. There is an occasional day when my shift won't fall on a nursery day so he has him for the full day. The other 4 days a week I'm with the kids full time and rarely have a nursery day off for time to myself. My partner is struggling with my toddler saying he feels like a stay at home dad. That he is restricted to school run times or nursery times and can't do anything ( he does have the 9 or so hours hes in nursery but says this isn't enough) when I question well u have to do it for ur dc he says thats different she's my kid. The days I am off he chooses still to not really do anything. He is unemployed currently but working on a business from home so doesn't have set hours or anything to do just gets draws as and when (artist) trying to build a portfolio. He is asking me if my toddlers dad will have him more which he won't I have asked before I basically beg them to see him now. I have also offered to pay for a babysitter to collect him from nursery and put him to bed which he has accepted. I feel a bit disheartened I don't know where this is going. He knew my situation and that I have a toddler when we got together. I embrace his child and watch her when he's drawing and take her for days out etc to give him a break. He says he feels like my babysitter. It hurts because I thought this was what families do. Both parents support each other and then when ur off u have times you come together. He just sees it as a 'u and ur son' 'me and my dc'

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strongcupofTea · 27/07/2023 01:21

Sounds like a miserable life your heading for op if you carry on.
You moved in with your unemployed 'artist' boyfriends mums house with your baby and you're expected to look after his child and work.
Please have some self respect and get our own place with you and your baby until this boy grows up and definitely don't have a child with him.

strongcupofTea · 27/07/2023 01:24

Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 00:06

I don't think its fair to say poor kids. In alot of ways in the past he has been supportive its only since I started work he struggles. I do know I need to make a decision. He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler as he doesn't want more kids. Its not a light hearted decision to make his dc sees my toddler as her brother and has welcomed him and I. My child has grown to know this family when he doesn't see his own. He often makes me feel guilty saying he can't spent time with his dc because of my toddler which doesn't make sense snd that he feels guilty. Any of the 4 days even the times he's in nursery he could take her out but he doesn't? I have said this multiple times and I think its unfair to blame me for that. I dont know maybe I need to accept it maybe he wants me to walk. He tells me he wants freedom to travel etc but who will look after his dc? In alot of ways since being with him my and his dc my son has grown in confidence he talks more he plays better and he's really calming with him when he feels like being a parent i guess. This is why it hurts and confuses me

That's because you moved in with him when he was a baby and now he's a toddler and has developed more. It has nothing to do with this manboy you're with.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2023 01:27

Raise your bloody standards, if not for your own sake then at least for your child, he deserves to be treated well in his own home, he isn't even safe with this boyfriend of yours, he is not safe.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 02:54

Oh my god, leave him.

What a dead weight.

Fraaahnces · 27/07/2023 03:08

He is a terrible waste of oxygen. You would be better served to leave him and put toddler in more care.

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 03:13

He's unemployed, living with his mother.

Yet feels being a 'stay at home dad' is beneath him.

MintJulia · 27/07/2023 05:21

TomatoSandwiches · 26/07/2023 23:44

Just leave him, he is useless and can't even parent his own child properly, leaving it up to his own mother or the child herself to look after herself, you're lucky your toddler hasn't had a serious accident with him incharge.

This.

You are not asking too much, at all. The issue is your man is lazy, selfish, and only cares about himself. He can't even be bothered to look after his own dd. He certainly won't care for your ds.

Time to build your own life with your ds, and find someone decent.

Codlingmoths · 27/07/2023 05:40

i would call that 7yo neglected. I’d kick Dh out if he let our 8yo make a pot noodle. you need to get yourself and your child out, move home and forget about him.

worksucks2023 · 27/07/2023 06:46

Surprised at some of the replies here. If this were the SM doing childcare for a SC she'd be told she doesn't have to do it and he needs to sort his own childcare.

What would you do if you didn't live with him?

greenteaandmarshmallows · 27/07/2023 07:42

It's only been 7 months. He doesn't sound committed enough for you to have moved in. He shouldn't be struggling because you're working that's bonkers. Your son will get over this whole "family" if you leave now. Don't let it drag on for years your boyfriend isn't committed.

greenteaandmarshmallows · 27/07/2023 07:43

And to echo PP you are responsible for your childcare- he's useless and also doesn't want to do it so you have to pay for someone who does

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/07/2023 07:44

UnsungShero · 26/07/2023 23:51

Why have you saddled yourself and your small child with a man who-

  • is unemployed
  • is unable to support himself
  • has a very different parenting style to you
  • lives with his mum
  • treats a hobby as a job (and I know plenty of successful artists but none of them were able to quit work before becoming very, very established)
  • doesn’t like your child

Surely you can see how ridiculous your situation is?

All of this. For fucks sake OP. Want more for yourself.

toomanyleggings · 27/07/2023 07:49

Take your child and leave. Stop putting your desire for a man before your child’s best interests

YukoandHiro · 27/07/2023 07:53

"He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler as he doesn't want more kids."

Sure. And that's his right.

But you and your toddler come as a package. So it's game over.

I don't think you can rescue this one.

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 08:02

For heaven’s sake OP - you’re living in a dreamworld.
This man is not your child’s father, he doesn’t feel the same way. You are trying to rationalise him into having an emotional response and it won’t work. You can’t force this.
I mean this in the nicest way, but are you desperate to create a family unit for your child? Understandable, but you have the wrong ingredients here. He doesn’t want it.

But also, this man ( who you can’t have been with long) is unemployed and sponging off his mum.

Just go back to your original plan and go back to your parents. The only way this can work for you will mean causing damage to your child.

limemarmaladeisbetter · 27/07/2023 08:32

Honestly just NO.

You can't be with someone who clearly has no interest in your child. You have a toddler and that should be your priority.

He's stating clearly that he's only interested in you, not your child.

For goodness sake leave him.

Do you really need a man to make your life complete?

Or if you don't want to be alone then try harder and don't saddle yourself with such a useless prick in the future.

Honestly. Put. Your. Child. First.

Saschka · 27/07/2023 08:36

He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler as he doesn't want more kids

OP, can’t you see how abusive this is towards your toddler? And as a result, this cunt you have shacked up with is leaving your baby to play with knives unattended. He is hoping for “an accident”, or at least doesn’t give a shit if your child injures himself as he doesn’t want him around anyway.

Snugglemonkey · 27/07/2023 09:29

Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 00:06

I don't think its fair to say poor kids. In alot of ways in the past he has been supportive its only since I started work he struggles. I do know I need to make a decision. He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler as he doesn't want more kids. Its not a light hearted decision to make his dc sees my toddler as her brother and has welcomed him and I. My child has grown to know this family when he doesn't see his own. He often makes me feel guilty saying he can't spent time with his dc because of my toddler which doesn't make sense snd that he feels guilty. Any of the 4 days even the times he's in nursery he could take her out but he doesn't? I have said this multiple times and I think its unfair to blame me for that. I dont know maybe I need to accept it maybe he wants me to walk. He tells me he wants freedom to travel etc but who will look after his dc? In alot of ways since being with him my and his dc my son has grown in confidence he talks more he plays better and he's really calming with him when he feels like being a parent i guess. This is why it hurts and confuses me

This is the easiest of decisions really. A total no brainer. He does not want your son. You cannot be with him.

PearlRuby · 27/07/2023 09:40

You won’t find the family life you’re looking for with this man. Sounds like he sees himself as a bit of a traveller/artist/dreamer which is cute in early 20’s but older than that and with a child to support just means he’s irresponsible.

Don’t have another baby with this man he won’t support you even if it is his child. Can you go back to your parents? Good luck OP

Laurdo · 27/07/2023 09:41

SunRainStorm · 27/07/2023 03:13

He's unemployed, living with his mother.

Yet feels being a 'stay at home dad' is beneath him.

This. What exactly is the problem with being a stay at home dad?

Mariposista · 27/07/2023 09:49

I have just read that his 7 year old has a phone and eats pot noodles. Enough said. I'd be out the door like a bat out of hell.

BodenCardiganNot · 27/07/2023 10:07

*Do you really need a man to make your life complete?

Or if you don't want to be alone then try harder and don't saddle yourself with such a useless prick in the future.

Honestly. Put. Your. Child. First.*
Exactly.
And think about the damage you are doing to your child by dragging him into these situations.

UnsungShero · 27/07/2023 10:16

He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler

It’s like a sub-heading under a story of yet another child murdered by their mother’s boyfriend.

You’re a disgrace, OP. You’re failing your child massively here.

EleanorLucyG · 27/07/2023 10:26

He's not a DP he's a cocklodger. Wants you to look after his DC for free but won't look after yours. Move him out and preferably break up and look for someone better, unless you want to live separately and never get past the dating stage. Don't expect him to ever get a job, he clearly doesn't want one.

EleanorLucyG · 27/07/2023 10:35

worksucks2023 · 27/07/2023 06:46

Surprised at some of the replies here. If this were the SM doing childcare for a SC she'd be told she doesn't have to do it and he needs to sort his own childcare.

What would you do if you didn't live with him?

In those scenarios usually the partner isn't looking after the posters DC and the free childcare is all one way.

In this scenario the OP is providing free childcare for his DC, so he should provide for hers. Or they both sort their own DC out, but that's not "a family" that's two adults house sharing and having sex, living with two DC who are parented differently and separately.