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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Feels like a stay at home dad.

102 replies

Chedderbites2 · 26/07/2023 23:15

My toddler and I live with my partner and his 7 year old dc. Both of our dc go to their dads/mums house every other weekend. We have only lived together for about 7 months and he is struggling with looking after my toddler when I'm in work. For context I work usually 3 long days a week. My toddler will often be in nursery on those days so he has to do drop off in am, collect 6pm and bed for 7. There is an occasional day when my shift won't fall on a nursery day so he has him for the full day. The other 4 days a week I'm with the kids full time and rarely have a nursery day off for time to myself. My partner is struggling with my toddler saying he feels like a stay at home dad. That he is restricted to school run times or nursery times and can't do anything ( he does have the 9 or so hours hes in nursery but says this isn't enough) when I question well u have to do it for ur dc he says thats different she's my kid. The days I am off he chooses still to not really do anything. He is unemployed currently but working on a business from home so doesn't have set hours or anything to do just gets draws as and when (artist) trying to build a portfolio. He is asking me if my toddlers dad will have him more which he won't I have asked before I basically beg them to see him now. I have also offered to pay for a babysitter to collect him from nursery and put him to bed which he has accepted. I feel a bit disheartened I don't know where this is going. He knew my situation and that I have a toddler when we got together. I embrace his child and watch her when he's drawing and take her for days out etc to give him a break. He says he feels like my babysitter. It hurts because I thought this was what families do. Both parents support each other and then when ur off u have times you come together. He just sees it as a 'u and ur son' 'me and my dc'

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CurlewKate · 27/07/2023 10:49

@Chedderbites2 Whatever else you do, make sure NOW that your contraception is rock solid and in your control.

EleanorLucyG · 27/07/2023 10:53

OP he is lying to you telling you what he thinks you want to hear to get you to move in. Next he's managing down your expectations, making out you want too much (you don't) making you question yourself. When he's messed with your head enough and got you thinking you can't manage without him and twisting things round to make himself look like a victim, then he starts saying appalling things like he doesn't want your DC. It's emotional abuse OP.

If you stay with him, when DC is a teenager it'll be full on goading him into fights then saying what an awful DC he is and how he can't live with you any more, trying to force your DC out of the home.

Go home to your parents, sort out a work and childcare situation that works for you. Find a better man who actually wants to be a family, not someone who just lies and says he does so that you'll keep having sex with him and giving him free childcare and providing wages for him to live off.

Marblessolveeverything · 27/07/2023 10:57

Why are you with someone who "doesn't want your child". It isn't complicated. You put your child and your self respect first - you deserve better, you are worth more.

Get out of this relationship before your son becomes more aware of what your partner thinks of him. You and your son deserve a person in their life that loves, respects and treats them kindly - that is not the man you are with now.

Stomacharmeleon · 27/07/2023 11:11

Doesn't seem complicated to me. He doesn't want your child. You need to leave. You are or should be a package. You are doing your child a disservice..... why are your child's needs such a low priority to you?

pikkumyy77 · 27/07/2023 11:18

Don’t be in a relationship with someone who can’t be bothered to take care of you and yours.

LardoBurrows · 27/07/2023 12:25

I can't imagine being so desperate for a man/relationship that I would deliberately put me and my DC in a situation like this. For the love of God Op, please find some self respect and put your son first and move out.

Mumof4plusbonus · 27/07/2023 14:56

UnsungShero · 26/07/2023 23:51

Why have you saddled yourself and your small child with a man who-

  • is unemployed
  • is unable to support himself
  • has a very different parenting style to you
  • lives with his mum
  • treats a hobby as a job (and I know plenty of successful artists but none of them were able to quit work before becoming very, very established)
  • doesn’t like your child

Surely you can see how ridiculous your situation is?

All of this except I would changing parenting styles to he is a sh1t parent. His child is 7, she’s not independent or shouldn’t be. If he can’t be bothered parenting her he won’t parent yours.

Finnegans · 27/07/2023 14:59

YukoandHiro · 27/07/2023 07:53

"He often says he wants to be with me but not with my toddler as he doesn't want more kids."

Sure. And that's his right.

But you and your toddler come as a package. So it's game over.

I don't think you can rescue this one.

This.

namechangenacy · 27/07/2023 15:32

Op I don't think you should be doing childcare for him on a regular basis.

And I don't think he should be doing it for you tbh.

However if you are going to do it for each other - then you do actually need to discuss it not just assume he will cover your days and you cover his.

Toddlers are hard work and I have one myself so I know. I also don't think a unemployed person is someone I would move in with tbh.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 15:37

His expectation of being a step parent doesn’t align with yours, that much is clear. That in and of itself isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, that’s a communication issue.

What is an issue is the fact that the man is clearly a complete loser who is by no means a competent parent to his own child, based on the information you have given here.

Quite why you would want to inflict someone who is a demonstrably poor parent on your son is beyond me.

Original poster
Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 17:40

Thanks all for your responses. Hes not a complete deadbeat in my opinion he isn't one at all. I understand his frustrations he doesn't want to be a dad or step dad and it annoys him my sons real father doesn't bother with him much. He wants me to essentially drop my son at his dads door and run away to force him into seeing him more which i couldn't do but then he says well if ur giving him a choice then I should have a choice too. Its all just too much at the min so I've taken my son away for a few nights from today we are in a hotel. I tried to talk to him this morning and said can we chat I want to sort things out like whether I need to reduce my hours or what days for babysitter etc and he just said there's nothing to talk about either sort it or I'm done then slams the door and walks out. Feeling very lost right now. My poor son and his dc was so upset when we left I just couldn't stay. He wants a life he wants every weekend out and says its Ll about what I want apparently and actually said it should be about what he wants. Just totally lost and upset. Trying to stay upbeat for the little one

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 27/07/2023 17:46

For your own and your DC sake it's time to reassess this relationship.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2023 17:55

He is a deadbeat, he is useless, selfish, incompetent and neglectful as a parent.
Please I beg you, build up your self esteem, you and your son deserve better than this waste of a human, I can't even call him a man,
Your wants and needs also matter in a relationship, he wants it all his own way, well life doesn't work like that.

He is no good, leave him and I would urge you to seriously report him to Social Services for his daughters sake, she is being neglected.

Therealjudgejudy · 27/07/2023 17:57

Good grief woman, raise your standards and put your child first.

GrazingSheep · 27/07/2023 17:59

Hes not a complete deadbeat in my opinion he isn't one at all.

What a mess.

GrazingSheep · 27/07/2023 18:00

Trying to stay upbeat for the little one

What you need to do for the little one is get him away from that man as quick as you can so that he is not completely fucked up for life.

MzHz · 27/07/2023 18:02

Chedderbites2 · 26/07/2023 23:33

@Toprepandhowmuch yes the babysitter has been on my mind as ultimately his dc will be looking for attention (I don't mean that in a bad way) but I'm sure she will have to make her meals etc too and maybe play with her or whatever. He says his dc doesn't need looked after as she is 7 she is pretty independent hes a very laid back parent like she can make a pot noodle or play on her phone or whatever. Where he struggles is the fact a toddler needs to be watched like he said to me today u need to get someone in he was playing with cutlery today??? Turns out he was out drawing left him to his own devices.

How are you living with yourself leaving your child with this man child?

I’m appalled that you think this is a good move for you, he’s lazy, neglectful and a shit partner to you.

go back to plan a which was leave him and move

excelledyourself · 27/07/2023 18:03

He wants a life he wants every weekend out

Aside from your main issue, what about this?

How would he fund this? He's an employed dad, living at his mums. Any money he's making is surely being used to get him, and more importantly his daughter, out of that living situation. Is it not?

Original poster
Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 18:10

He has money he had a well paid job previous and savings. I know he will be successful one day and I hope he is. In the past he has supported me like maybe him watching dc 2 evenings or days a week is actually too much and unfair of me to put on him. To be fair he was the one who said he would support and be there and we would do it together hes just now realized he doesn't want it. He was shouting saying he didn't even get any painting done yesterday as I was working so he had both kids. I was like well u have today tomorrow the weekend. Its easy to sit somewhere and say leave him end this etc. It is so complicated. To uproot children from nursery, school placements, the family they grown to call their own. To leave a job uve only started very recently and to move essentially hundreds of miles to family who may or may not be able to help. I love my partner I do and I can't help but miss him so much. I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if its both of us and bad communication or if I will literally have to pay for childminders and nurseries all the time in which case where is the family in that thats not normal either nor is it sustainable

OP posts:
Olika · 27/07/2023 18:22

I would leave. He has literally said he doesn't want your kid. There's no future.

villamariavintrapp · 27/07/2023 18:40

Well you seem absolutely determined to stay with your 'partner', so what are you going to do about your son, as he has made it very clear that he doesn't want him around? Are you planning for him to live elsewhere? Do you have people in mind to look after him?

Stomacharmeleon · 27/07/2023 18:51

@Chedderbites2 he has literally told you he doesn't want to be a step dad and your trying to placate him asking if need to sort your hours/ childcare out.

You are putting him above your son. And you will regret it. Spending a couple of nights at a hotel is not going to sort this out.

Stomacharmeleon · 27/07/2023 18:51

And he very much is a deadbeat...

Hoppinggreen · 27/07/2023 18:54

Saschka · 26/07/2023 23:33

Do you actually want to tie yourself to an unemployed artist who lives with his mum anyway? Sounds awful honestly, he can’t have any prospect of supporting himself in the foreseeable future, or moving into a place with you?

What she said.
He sounds like a loser

Original poster
Chedderbites2 · 27/07/2023 18:58

@Hoppinggreen he is not a loser he has been their more for my ds than his own dad has even been and he's right about that. Yes now he's kicking off about it and realized he doesn't want it but he still tried I guess. His own dad I have to force to see him. I can't make him want to be a step dad or be a family man unfortunately

OP posts: