"You really don't like your step-children".....

[NewNameNigel]

.... Is the new "people like you give step mums a bad name" / "you aren't their step mum you're their dad's partner" .

I've noticed it popping up more and more lately. Like the other two phrases it's a lazy to make the OP feel shame without having to actually address what they are saying.

So if its directed at you just roll your eyes and move on. No point even trying to respond to it.

Its not just that at all, wasn't for me.

Even if it was cheating they can be happy they've got rid of a cheat so perhaps feel pity for the next woman who will end up in the same position. Polar opposite of jealousy. Still proves my point.

Some children’s parents seem determined to ensure their children are not very likeable. They might be lovely if the context was different. But their parents have weaponised the children and seem determined to scapegoat the stepmother.

It is very hard to, for example, like a child who knows they can ‘get you into trouble’ and seems to delight in doing so. Or who treats you with open contempt. So it feels personal and about the child. But often it’s the result of the child’s parents’ choices, and is a partner problem.

And the animal farm model of equality that seems to come with this: All children are equal, but stepchildren are more equal.

That sentiment underlies a lot of the crap posted on MN.

I do. It's impossible to not know how hard parenting is if you do your research prior to becoming a parent. You fully appreciate how hard it is when you experience it but a brief scroll of mumsnet will tell you what you need to know before you experience it.

I think some people just have an arrogance, thinking they'll cope so much better than others.

@chooseanother I disagree.

A) because reading in advance did not prepare me for how hard things were, childbirth and sleep deprivation for example. I knew those things would be tough but it still came as a shock.

And B) because not everyone does extensively research things and that doesn't make them bad people. With step parenting in particular, it is easy to have no clue of the level of impact it might have on you personally and therefore not realise it's something you need to research. "Dad parents, we date. What's to research?"

Ok, so you're talking about your personal experience, which doesn't "prove" anything.

Most women aren't thrilled they've been cheated on, causing a divorce.

If you are not prepared, between you, to treat all children in a relationship the same, then you should not be having that relationship.
Maybe stay celibate for the years it takes to raise your kids?

I would say it makes more sense for people to practise celibacy a bit earlier to prevent themselves from reproducing with the wrong person in the first place...

As I said upthread...even when we ARE prepared to treat all children in a relationship the same we are flamed for it. If my DD misbehaved then there would be (appropriate), punishments for doing so but if my DSD misbehaved I would be expected to just overlook it how is that treating them the same? Consequences for 1 child but not the other, that's hardly fair. As it was my DSD lived with me when me and her dad divorced so I absolutely treated her in exactly the same way I treated my own DD.

Clearly stepmothers can’t win either way; it just makes me fervently determined never to get involved with any man who has young children!

Oh and you forgot all step-children hate/detest their younger half-siblings so they can get away with being rude to them.

Meanwhile in my world I'm surrounded by step-children, including from the dad's side, who go out of their way to look after their younger half-siblings and in return get worshiped by them.

Teen children will just resent you full-stop as teens are selfish.

Adult children will resent you because they think you are after their inheritance.

In the MN world step-parents like you don't exist as you strike fear into the hearts of parents of both sexes e.g. their child prefers to live with and be bought up by an ex step-parent.

I'm sure there are plenty of happy step-parents to, me being one of them. It's just that you only ever hear of the problems. No one is starting a thread if they're getting on great as a step-parent.

It’s usually used as a lazy argument when the stepmum is either A) Not being a doormat for the parents or B) Trying to get some quality time with her own children or C) Both of the above.

No, the stepmum doesn’t want to devote a chunk of her maternity leave to doing favours for the parents over the summer holidays. No it’s not because she “doesn’t like her dsc.”, It’s got sod all to do with that.
It’s because the parents still have a responsibility towards their dc and the stepmum doesn’t want the parents mapping out the next 6 weeks of her life for her just because she’s off work. Stop with the manipulative CF nonsense.

I find it all quite trying.

I think that's why when sm and dad have a baby, you get a lot of oh why did you have a baby with a deadbeat. The more sm says her DH isn't a deadbeat or try's to explain why she's lost people pile on her.

Because she should have known better. Ignoring why the ex chose to have more than one child with ops dh and apparently didn't just put him in the bin.

Essentially, if you're not willing to donate both your kidneys to your SC and give them an en suite room each whilst your own children share the shed, "you clearly don't like your SC"

It baffles me why these people found themselves divorced...

Well alot of SP don't like their SC.

Their contempt comes of them in waves when they post.

Sometimes it's because of underlying issues with their SO or other Bio parent.

But alot of the time it's because they are living a life they don't really want. They wish they lived in a nuclear family and that their family unit was them their partner and their kids.

Its like trying to put a square peg through a round hole which leaves a low lying constant level of dissatisfaction that usually presents with unhappiness at how their SC existence impacts their life.

Their contempt comes of them in waves when they post

Your contempt for step parents is coming out in waves here.

Do you think that just typing "you don't like your step child" without engaging with the issue posted about helps the poster?

Yes, that is no doubt true of some. The trouble is that the phrase is used so liberally, with so little to go on, that it's lost all credibility.

Also even if a SP doesn't like an SC how does pointing it out and giving no further advice help the poster or the child?

I ve been a SP for well over a decade. My DH is SP and two of our children have SP in their other family units. Both ex s would have been very HC and one of them the OW in the breakdown of the relationship.

So playing SP bingo I ve got quite a few numbers on the board.

What's wrong with actually acknowledging that as an issue? It's true for alot of SP who post.

I mean have you done studies ? What's your sample number ? Or research your referencing ... would be interested in the link ?

Unless this just a massive assumption as I assume your not a sp.

The contempt you have is coming off in waves here tbh. I have seen many threads where sp have shared all the things they love about there family and people like yourself have still come across going blended families are rubbish blalal.

Personally I think it comes from a place of jealousy tbh.

@namechangenacy you assume wrong. See previous post.

@namechangenacy and just to clarify I love our family. We have grandchildren now and children together our youngest is a baby.

Our respective adult children still spend alot time with us. We holiday together, spend special events together throughout the year. My SS has spent every Xmas with us for the last decade. We see my SS and kids several times a month. Have a family group chat the whole shebang! We even have a fantasy sports league with the adults kids.

So I absolutely see the value and blessings in a blended family.