"You really don't like your step-children".....

[NewNameNigel]

.... Is the new "people like you give step mums a bad name" / "you aren't their step mum you're their dad's partner" .

I've noticed it popping up more and more lately. Like the other two phrases it's a lazy to make the OP feel shame without having to actually address what they are saying.

So if its directed at you just roll your eyes and move on. No point even trying to respond to it.

I adore my 5yo DSD. We are very close and she has a huge impact on my life. My 16yo DSS has less of an impact in my life as I don't parent him and he spends most of his day sleeping or glued to a computer. I'm not his biggest fan. In general I'm quite detached, but sometimes I'll admit I really don't like him. I don't like the way he takes my DH for granted, his selfishness, his sense of entitlement and little regard for other people.

Am I a monster for liking one SC and not the other or is one just likeable and the other isn't?

The comments I read on here are enough to put people off dating anyone with kids and make them run for the hills.
To be quite clear, I don’t mean it’s a problem with the kids, it’s 100% a parent problem. Adults treating adults like objects or household appliances, discarding them in a flash, expecting them to worship their kids but never ever have a feeling about their own place in life, and calling them abusers for pointing out a bad behaviour that needed correcting. Adults who want an adult to join the family but be more of a pet than an autonomous human.
Anyone ever asks me about dating someone with kids I’ll direct them here.

just another one of the lazy lines people who don't understand step-parenting trot out....

Complain about your bio kids and everyone "gets it"... complain about stepkids and you are basically a witch. It's why so many women keep their mouths shut and end up with anxiety and depression.

Being a stepmum is a huge weight for many women... and not at all what they thought it would be!

It is absolutely the parents problem, and rarely the kids fault.

Being a step-parent only works is your partner listens to you, makes you a priority, doesn't pander to the ex, parents effectively and doesn't think the sun shines out the kids arses.

I've very lucky in that respect but it seems I'm in the minority, or maybe it's just that the step-parents it's going well for don't shout as loud as the unhappy ones.

Semantics surely. Step-parent has no legal status anyway so not sure what your point is.

I’ve seen unmarried partners and step parents be far, far more devoted to their families than biological parents or husbands/wives. Marriage is old hat, it’s merely a financial arrangement.

Semantics surely. Step-parent has no legal status anyway so not sure what your point is.

I always think this. People get very hung up on what makes you "legally a step parent", but fitting the official definition doesn't actually change anything, because it really doesn't mean very much either way. All it really means is that you're coupled up in an indefinite manner with their parent, so what does it really matter?

@Maybe83 well that's interesting because I genuinely don't dislike my DSC.

I'm rather fond of her actually. But I don't expect to love her with the same fierceness that a parent have for her.

And like any other kid, kids are hard work and often in ways you can't foresee. That doesn't mean I want her gone or don't want her around or dislike her.

But acknowledging life can be simpler without a child in tow is ok for mums to say but if you say it as a sp you're clearly a wicked sm who hates their sc.

That said I surround myself with people who will get it (when and if I say I'm having a bad time with : my child, my niece or my dsd) the problem is imo people see the need for sp to vent and read far more into it than they would usually.

Yup.

I don’t like my DSS and know that many others share the same view and actively distance themselves. Yet I’m the bad guy and not the parents who have created a monster.

@namechangenacy What's interesting that I'm a SP?

Who doesn't have days were their spouse, kids, parents, inlaws drive them mad? Absolutely no one. But that's the day to day cycle of life. It ebbs and flows.

That is a very big difference than being fundamentally unhappy with the foundations your life is built on. And in my IMO that is a big issue for alot of SPs who post here.

So there is no about of patting on the back, or saying do xyz, get your spouse to do xyz, or your SC to xyz that will change that because they fundamentally do not want to be a SP and your SC still exist in your life.

Ummmm..... they really do! All the time! Especially people who are child free.

Makes my blood boil the double standards around being a step parent.

You're expected to financial contribute, yet you're not allowed to be involved with the parenting.

You're expected to unconditionally love your step children, however you're allowed an opinion on how they're raised.

Whilst we got with people who already have children, that doesn't mean I'm going to accept parental responsibility for them.

I am not interested in parenting my stepkids. They have one mum and one dad. They don't need any more.

I'll be nice to them and encourage them, as I would a friends child, but I'm not as invested in them as I am my own child.

@Maybe83 it's interesting (imo) not because your a step parent but that you have this opinion being a step parent and believe this is a widely head view across all sp including yourself ? I haven't seen sp hankering after wanting a nuclear family or hating their sc because they exist. That's a very black and white view to what is often a nuanced situation.
That's not to say it doesn't happen, or challenge your view (which you are entitled to have)- it's just not what I have seen on here.

Tbh I have been here a while and the main theme I have seen is 99.9% is the adults causing or not managing situations that escalate and then it goes bang. V v rarely it is the kids. I mean I can remember one in the last 3 years and it was acknowledged the adults had failed the DSc and were egging on the behaviour.

The assumption that sp have to be better than the actual parents (to make up for the parents splitting up) and act like they have no emotions feelings and the human equivalency to a ameba do not help. That's rooted very deeply in our society.

@namechangenacy
The assumption that sp have to be better than the actual parents (to make up for the parents splitting up) and act like they have no emotions feelings and the human equivalency to a ameba do not help. That's rooted very deeply in our society.

👏👏👏

Omg this. Parents can complain about their kids and it's fine because everyone knows they love them. But a step parent complains for the exact same reason and you're an awful person.

I think it is frequently forgotten that

• parents have a strong instinct to protect their child. It is difficult to reconcile that instinct with the child having an often positive and even intimate relationship with someone who’s presence in their life you have sod all control over. It is a difficult position to be in. Even when you understand it is a good thing they have a step parent they get along with.
• even reasonable, decent adults behave appallingly when relationships breakdown. This is rarely communicated to a new partner in any kind of real term. An ex who has been on the receiving end of a complete change in personality during the relationship breakdown will struggle, not unreasonably in my opinion, to ever trust that the person they once loved has returned and all is well. Indeed, appalling behaviour is very much a two way street and when friends, family and new partners take sides, the mistrust and anger becomes entrenched.

It would be massively helpful if both sides tried to see where the other is coming from.

@Neverinamonthofsundays
Do me a favour 🙄🙄🙄

What benefits does being a “legal” step parent have then 😂

Someone can help raise their DP’s children for decades but they can’t call themselves a step parent because they’re not married. Laughable.

Neither of those things are anything to do with the step parent. In fact, the step parent is the only adult in scenario who has no influence and control over them.

I don’t dislike my “step child” I dislike the way my partner parents him and how he disrespects me and our child in doing so. Id go into it but I’m really trying to heal from things and deal with it in a positive non caring way at the moment.

I drove past his nephew the other day and he called out to his mum “ there’s my auntie” now I never seen myself as that because all that relates us is he’s my child’s cousin. But he holds more respect for me than my partners child/partner does and I loved it.

if I could go back I’d of had the exact same child with someone else without kids or someone who didn’t do what my partner does. Id be here all day if I explained it and some of it is unhealthy and weird.

it’s not the child or the step parent that usually falls fault either it’s the parent!

i don’t agree with all this nonsense about not being a stepparent until married my mum never married my brothers dad and he was in my life 13 years. I still call him my step dad because he just is. Marriage doesn’t need to cement that for me he was there he provided me made my mum happy and he gave me a sibling! Marriage didn’t need to happen.

In contrast I have no idea who you are and don't recall your threads but I'm tickled that I have a fan lol

If you don’t treat your step children better than your own , put yourself last , accept all rejection as perfectly fine , spend all your money , allow their mother to do as she wishes, make sure they go all on all and every outing ,prioritise sc in terms of bedrooms ( they were there first you know , don’t you dare push them out evil step mum !) then you must really not like them :) .

Don’t forget ‘you knew what you were taking on ‘!