"You really don't like your step-children".....

NewNameNigel · 2023-07-16T17:42:52+00:00

.... Is the new "people like you give step mums a bad name" / "you aren't their step mum you're their dad's partner" . I've noticed it popping up more and more lately. Like the other two phrases it's a lazy to make the OP feel shame without having to actually address what they are saying. So if its directed at you just roll your eyes and move on. No point even trying to respond to it.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 18:47

Or when the step mum is being totally taken the piss out of doing the SC childcare, school runs, household stuff etc, and some div chimes in "you knew what you were getting into, you knew he had a child'

Yes she knew he had a child. She also knows the child has two fully capable parents, who should be parenting their kid!

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 18:50

Ah yes. I've been accused of it lots. Because if you're a stepmum you're expected to love them unconditionally and never ever complain about anything.

Toloveandtowork · 16/07/2023 18:54

I read that according to psychoanalytic theory, the hatred people have towards stepmother's is to do with their own feelings (maybe unconscious) that they feel trapped in motherhood and resent what they have given up for their children

Original poster

NewNameNigel · 16/07/2023 19:00

tiredofthisshit21 · 16/07/2023 18:50

Ah yes. I've been accused of it lots. Because if you're a stepmum you're expected to love them unconditionally and never ever complain about anything.

There's a huge gulf between the unconditional love parents have for their children and dislike.

Also, since when does something like not wanting to cancel plans at the last minute to babysit for equate to disliking the child?

The people who write it know it makes no sense it's literally to make the poster feel bad.

OP posts:

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 19:00

Toloveandtowork · 16/07/2023 18:54

I read that according to psychoanalytic theory, the hatred people have towards stepmother's is to do with their own feelings (maybe unconscious) that they feel trapped in motherhood and resent what they have given up for their children

I think it's hatred towards their ex being happy with another woman.

If the step mum was not an affair/OW and the husband just left because he was miserable, some women can't accept it when their ex maintains a successful new relationship. So they do the only thing they can do, and use their children like pawns and spew hatred at the stepmum. It's all to get at their ex, indirectly.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 19:02

"But, OP, you knew he had kids, what did you expect?"

That their parents would parent them.

Reugny · 16/07/2023 19:05

I think it's hatred towards their ex being happy with another woman.

If the step mum was not an affair/OW and the husband just left because he was miserable, some women can't accept it when their ex maintains a successful new relationship. So they do the only thing they can do, and use their children like pawns and spew hatred at the stepmum. It's all to get at their ex, indirectly.

In my case it's this.

Original poster

NewNameNigel · 16/07/2023 19:09

I think it's hatred towards their ex being happy with another woman.

I think sometimes it's a primal feeling of wanting to protect their own child. It gets projected onto all step mums.

There's also the feeling of being replaced, not only as a partner but as a mother. I'm reality the bond between mother and child is unique and most step mums have no interest in taking the mums place but I think the fear is real for some people.

OP posts:

Laurdo · 16/07/2023 20:05

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 19:00

I think it's hatred towards their ex being happy with another woman.

If the step mum was not an affair/OW and the husband just left because he was miserable, some women can't accept it when their ex maintains a successful new relationship. So they do the only thing they can do, and use their children like pawns and spew hatred at the stepmum. It's all to get at their ex, indirectly.

Show quote history

My DSDs mum's new tactic, after ages of referring to me as the babysitter and the help is to claim that I'm DSDs main carer and she co-parents with me rather than my DH (she has no way of contacting me directly as I've blocked her on everything).

She's trying to make out like he's some kind of absent father who dumps all the responsibility of childcare onto me because I do the school run and watch her for 1 hour after school until he gets home from work. Something we both discussed before agreeing our work schedules.

We have DSD 50% and while I'm a very involved SM, my DH is also an amazing and very present dad. Meanwhile DSDs mum gets her babysat overnight most weekends (despite the fact she already has every other weekend kid free) and my DH collected her earlier than planned today because he found out mum had gone out for the night and left my DSS to babysit.

They were together 12 years and never married. We were married on our 2 year anniversary. That definitely got her back up.

Yousee · 16/07/2023 20:09

NewNameNigel · 16/07/2023 19:09

I think it's hatred towards their ex being happy with another woman.

I think sometimes it's a primal feeling of wanting to protect their own child. It gets projected onto all step mums.

There's also the feeling of being replaced, not only as a partner but as a mother. I'm reality the bond between mother and child is unique and most step mums have no interest in taking the mums place but I think the fear is real for some people.

I definitely think this was a big part of my DHs exs problem. I think she genuinely thought that DSD was the main attraction and I couldn't wait to get on with playing Mummies and Daddies. I had to stand and take a lecture from her of things I was forbidden to do with and for DSD, none of which I had the faintest intention of getting involved in. It was alot of hard work for someone else's kid - no ta!

Neverinamonthofsundays · 16/07/2023 20:11

I recently commented on a post that the woman was not the stepmum she was the partner. Legally you need to be married to be a step parent. I was married to my ex husband and was stepmum to his child. My partner now has raised my eldest child and both our 13 year olds but he is not my husband therefore not my eldests stepdad however my eldests dad married therefore his wife is stepmum. I have no issue with how other things progress but I will never agree someone is a step parent if they are not married and I am not married to my dp as yet either. You can be there for your partners kids, you can invite them into your home, you can do all of the things you do for your own but you are not legally a step parent unless there is a marriage.

Yousee · 16/07/2023 20:41

Legally there is no such thing as a "step parent". It's a social construct, like a boyfriend.

Laurdo · 16/07/2023 20:54

Neverinamonthofsundays · 16/07/2023 20:11

I recently commented on a post that the woman was not the stepmum she was the partner. Legally you need to be married to be a step parent. I was married to my ex husband and was stepmum to his child. My partner now has raised my eldest child and both our 13 year olds but he is not my husband therefore not my eldests stepdad however my eldests dad married therefore his wife is stepmum. I have no issue with how other things progress but I will never agree someone is a step parent if they are not married and I am not married to my dp as yet either. You can be there for your partners kids, you can invite them into your home, you can do all of the things you do for your own but you are not legally a step parent unless there is a marriage.

I don't agree with this at all. I don't think it's as black and white as having a marriage certificate. The relationship between the adults doesn't dictate the relationship someone has with their partners children.

I think it's insulting to say someone isn't a step-parent because they're not married when that person has perhaps raised a child from being a toddler into adulthood, been very hands on etc. In the same respect someone who marries a parent who perhaps has older children may prefer just to be "dad's wife" rather than being labelled a stepmum.

I truly believe parent is a verb. It's more about what someone does rather than what they are.

ChampagneBlossom44 · 16/07/2023 21:58

I’ve recently had both of the following said to me, in the same argument unbelievably:

‘you’d never understand, you’re not a parent’

Followed by

’you knew what you were getting into’

how the hell did I know what I was getting into, if I don’t have the capacity to understand what it’s like to be a parent?! It can’t be both!

Laurdo · 16/07/2023 22:03

People never say "you knew what you were getting into" when biological parents complain about life being hard.

CamCola · 16/07/2023 22:03

Yousee · 16/07/2023 20:09

I definitely think this was a big part of my DHs exs problem. I think she genuinely thought that DSD was the main attraction and I couldn't wait to get on with playing Mummies and Daddies. I had to stand and take a lecture from her of things I was forbidden to do with and for DSD, none of which I had the faintest intention of getting involved in. It was alot of hard work for someone else's kid - no ta!

Show quote history

Yup, I agree.

Lucky though as Iv never had to message his ex and my partner doesn’t suffer any guilt!

I have no interest in running around after her kid.

CwmYoy · 16/07/2023 22:23

The same posters say this again and again.

They seem to get a perverse thrill from it.

Original poster

NewNameNigel · 16/07/2023 22:30

Neverinamonthofsundays · 16/07/2023 20:11

I recently commented on a post that the woman was not the stepmum she was the partner. Legally you need to be married to be a step parent. I was married to my ex husband and was stepmum to his child. My partner now has raised my eldest child and both our 13 year olds but he is not my husband therefore not my eldests stepdad however my eldests dad married therefore his wife is stepmum. I have no issue with how other things progress but I will never agree someone is a step parent if they are not married and I am not married to my dp as yet either. You can be there for your partners kids, you can invite them into your home, you can do all of the things you do for your own but you are not legally a step parent unless there is a marriage.

Ok...

But why? Was it to help the poster? Or just to minimise her position?
What did you hope to achieve by doing it?

OP posts:

Quitelikeit · 16/07/2023 22:33

I feel sorry for step parents I truly do

Id never move in with or let someone move in with me if they had kids. And that is thanks to reading this board for years!

Original poster

NewNameNigel · 16/07/2023 22:50

Yousee · 16/07/2023 20:41

Legally there is no such thing as a "step parent". It's a social construct, like a boyfriend.

Exactly. Step parents have no legal connection to the children married or not.

I think she genuinely thought that DSD was the main attraction and I couldn't wait to get on with playing Mummies and Daddies. I had to stand and take a lecture from her of things I was forbidden to do with and for DSD,

This actually reminds me of something. Luckily DSDs mum is sane so hasn't said things like this but my own mum warned me that I shouldn't expect to go to parents evenings. She seemed quite shocked when I laughed at the suggestion. Why on earth would I want to go?

OP posts:

SemperIdem · 16/07/2023 23:18

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 19:02

"But, OP, you knew he had kids, what did you expect?"

That their parents would parent them.

This.

But also, if you happen to be a step mum who has their own children already - you have to deal with the shock that the standards you have for your own child/ren might be quite a bit higher than those set by your step child/ren’s parents. Navigating that, whilst your own child/ren see it, is really very challenging.

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/07/2023 01:34

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 19:00

I think it's hatred towards their ex being happy with another woman.

If the step mum was not an affair/OW and the husband just left because he was miserable, some women can't accept it when their ex maintains a successful new relationship. So they do the only thing they can do, and use their children like pawns and spew hatred at the stepmum. It's all to get at their ex, indirectly.

Show quote history

I disagree. The stats show that it's mostly women who leave/initiate divorce so in the majority of cases they are only too happy to be rid of their ex.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 17/07/2023 02:10

Some children just aren't likeable.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 17/07/2023 06:45

Willyoujustbequiet · 17/07/2023 01:34

I disagree. The stats show that it's mostly women who leave/initiate divorce so in the majority of cases they are only too happy to be rid of their ex.

Show quote history

Er, you know this is literally women filing because their spouse's have cheated, right?

Yeah, they're really happy about it.

Dontcallmescarface · 17/07/2023 07:21

The comments that make my eyes roll out of my head are the "You should treat them like your own". Apparently this only applies to my money and my time. When it comes to discipline and setting the same boundaries as I would my own then it's " how dare you, the DS is not your child and you should keep out of it"....I mean make your mind up do I treat them the same or not?