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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
SuperSange · 16/07/2023 11:48

He'll be awarded what he wants in court, and if he's kept your messages and uses them, he'll likely get 50:50 residency. I feel sorry for your so , you're causing any stress he may be feeling. But you won't admit it, so 🙄

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:48

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:41

Ok so you've agreed to every other weekend. What's the problem with week days? Maintenance?

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his gfs kids are there during the week and my son gets little attention from his dad so what’s the point? He shares a room with 2 of the gfs kids, 2 boys and I hate that also. At least at weekends the other boys are not usually there so has the room to himself

OP posts:
TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 11:50

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:26

Because we have a child together, these things affect him, so I should be consulted surely?

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No. Just to be clear you shouldn't be.

I don't know if this will ever sink in.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:51

his gfs kids are there during the week and my son gets little attention from his dad so what’s the point? He shares a room with 2 of the gfs kids, 2 boys and I hate that also. At least at weekends the other boys are not usually there so has the room to himself

Maybe the point would be to get him used to not always being the centre of attention? That's a good thing for kids to experience, you know, and getting to play with other kids is also often good for them. Unless there is some drip feed about these kids being horrible.

We only have DSS EOW - so I personally don't think midweeks are essential. But I don't think "if he's not getting all the attention there's no point" is a good mindset to raise your child with.

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:52

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:51

his gfs kids are there during the week and my son gets little attention from his dad so what’s the point? He shares a room with 2 of the gfs kids, 2 boys and I hate that also. At least at weekends the other boys are not usually there so has the room to himself

Maybe the point would be to get him used to not always being the centre of attention? That's a good thing for kids to experience, you know, and getting to play with other kids is also often good for them. Unless there is some drip feed about these kids being horrible.

We only have DSS EOW - so I personally don't think midweeks are essential. But I don't think "if he's not getting all the attention there's no point" is a good mindset to raise your child with.

My ex won’t let up on the midweek thing. He says once every fortnight just isn’t enough so wants to make it up somewhere so I said he shouldn’t have changed jobs then!! His choice to do that.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 16/07/2023 11:54

He has another family, your son has another family. You need to realise this or be bitter forever.
All of his kids are his priority it’s not first come first served. So your shared child and the baby. He also has step children. They’ll be in your sons life. YABVU and controlling.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:58

My ex won’t let up on the midweek thing. He says once every fortnight just isn’t enough so wants to make it up somewhere so I said he shouldn’t have changed jobs then!! His choice to do that.

Or you could just... not be difficult for the sake of it and let him have them since it's not actually harming anything and you're just being stubborn. Your choice to do that!

You clearly just want to punish him for making a decision without consulting you.

Lwrenagain · 16/07/2023 12:00

Hey @Hatsof, you're probably not really enjoying this thread as you've had some very harsh, but honest responses.

I've been a stepmother and my eldest son has one and is now a DSM to the same (now adult) DC I was stepmother too.
So I try my best to support her because she's considerably younger than I am, and she's lovely.

I see you're filled with fear your DS will be pushed out, or worse, you'll be from his life. You won't, you're his mum.
But stepmum is an experienced mother and you are doing your DS a disservice to not encourage him to bond with him and his younger sibling and stepsiblings.
My DS recently had prom and the first person I sent pictures of his suit too was DSM, because she's known him as a DSM the last 10 years and it's nice to know people who have zero responsibility to love your DC, do.

You may not see it, but the quality of your DS life is probably improved in many ways for his stepmother and new siblings.
He probably has more people to talk to, he probably has more access to better food, (my sons SM's first big change was ensuring there was always fruit available instead of just the crap his dad ate, massive improvement) and she'll probably treat DS how she hopes her own DC are treated.

You may not like your exes set up, but you can't change that. Try and see the benefits of this for him and stop fighting it, he now has a sibling, you seem off about this saying your DS deserves to come first and actually, they deserve to have a great chance to build a fantastic bond. This is a chance for DS to get involved with children a bit more and work on his shyness.

Your DS can have 2 wonderful families to be apart of, please don't try to discourage that because you're feeling pushed out on his behalf. X

Justjn1 · 16/07/2023 12:01

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:48

his gfs kids are there during the week and my son gets little attention from his dad so what’s the point? He shares a room with 2 of the gfs kids, 2 boys and I hate that also. At least at weekends the other boys are not usually there so has the room to himself

Show quote history

Why would you want to deprive your son time with his family? I appreciate its not the family you had in mind for him but like it or not, they are his family. They now have a shared sibling and he deserves to feel just as included in normal family life where he can bond with all the family as a whole as he does deserve some quality time with his dad. However, quality time with his dad doesn't equate to total one to one time every weekend.

Sounds like dad is doing a good job here. I know of some dad's that when their work pattern changed they just ceased to have the children on those days and made no effort to offer an alternative gradually reducing contact over time. He wants to see his son. He's allowed to move on and have a new relationship with or without children you can't control that not should your son be penalised because you can't control the situation in the way it sounds like you want to.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 12:01

OP, you're not over your ex leaving you and keep trying to act like you are still the important woman that needs consulting in his life. You don't look after your own child any weekends (?!) and you claim 5 nights out of 7 maintenance because despite the fact your child is at school all day, he sleeps at yours...and even then, you think you should get more money on top.

Now, his dad because of his work, wants to have him every other weekend, and you don't like this. Sorry, you have to be a parent to your own child a whole 50% of the weekends. But also so dad doesn't lose contact time with his son, he's offered to take him the whole Mon-Fri. But that's no good for you, you want more maintenance and child free weekends.

To suggest any of this is about your son, and not you projecting you own bitterness, and keeping as much money and your own free time as possible is beyond transparent. You are one of the most entitled, selfish people I've ever seen on here.

And you actually think you're fine to be acting like this. That's the scary thing.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 12:03

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:58

My ex won’t let up on the midweek thing. He says once every fortnight just isn’t enough so wants to make it up somewhere so I said he shouldn’t have changed jobs then!! His choice to do that.

Or you could just... not be difficult for the sake of it and let him have them since it's not actually harming anything and you're just being stubborn. Your choice to do that!

You clearly just want to punish him for making a decision without consulting you.

She doesn't want to lose her maintenance, that's why.

warblingwater · 16/07/2023 12:04

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:40

Honestly, YOU are the problem here OP.

Yup.

campingmama · 16/07/2023 12:15

I hope he does go to court and get 50/50. Dad could then drop all maintenance payments.
The little boy can spend time with all his family
Your feelings don't come into it at all, he shouldn't be punished for your jealousy

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 12:15

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:52

My ex won’t let up on the midweek thing. He says once every fortnight just isn’t enough so wants to make it up somewhere so I said he shouldn’t have changed jobs then!! His choice to do that.

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I don’t think you have any insight into how you come across. It doesn’t sound like you actually care about anything but your own feelings.

TwinsPlusAnotherOne · 16/07/2023 12:17

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 12:15

I don’t think you have any insight into how you come across. It doesn’t sound like you actually care about anything but your own feelings.

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That's the frightening bit. She thinks she's being a "good mum" but it's just a facade to act this way for her personal motives, which is not cool.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 12:53

It's important to remember OP that the kids you are so affronted by him having to spend time with are his half siblings other siblings, who live with that family unit more than he does. He will always be a spare part if he doesn't know them. Unless they bully him or something, it's better for him to be close to them.

Daleksatemyshed · 16/07/2023 12:55

I'm not a DM so feel free to ignore me if you like but I don't think you're helping your DC with this attitute. Your DS is going to pick up on your negativity towards his DF and it won't help him, I'm sure he loves you both and he's going to feel very conflicted about seeing his Dad when he knows you don't want him to go. It's hard that your relationship broke down and you can't have any more DC but that doesn't mean your ex can't live his own life now. Please try and accept you are his past, not his present, and get on with your own life

Scottishskifun · 16/07/2023 13:05

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:39

Because the gfs kids are always there week days and he already shares his dad with the baby, he shouldn’t have to share with the other kids also. Most weekends the gfs kids are with their dad so at least he gets a bit of attention even if it’s shared with the baby!

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Like it or not your ex is in a blended family, so as long as there is space for your son to stay a court is not going to side with you on this one.

It also sounds like you need to let go a bit!!!

AllAboardTootToot · 16/07/2023 13:07

You are not with your ex yet trying to control his life and dictating your sons desires when he is there. Have you even asked your son what he wants?

you sound incredibly self centered around your needs and not jealous that your ex has moved on.

He doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong yet you slate him for most of his decisions?

He is still around, having a relationship with his son and paying what he should - many women and children would kill for that!

Honeychickpea · 16/07/2023 13:14

noglow · 16/07/2023 08:57

Your ex sounds reasonable in his request. It also allows you weekend time with your child which will be valuable to you both.

You sound very resentful that he has moved on. While your concerns about your son may be valid he is part of a big family now and if you go into this with a positive mindset your son will gain so much from this. Siblings and joy.

I rather suspect that the OP resents that possibility.

noglow · 16/07/2023 13:17

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:48

his gfs kids are there during the week and my son gets little attention from his dad so what’s the point? He shares a room with 2 of the gfs kids, 2 boys and I hate that also. At least at weekends the other boys are not usually there so has the room to himself

Show quote history

He's part of a family. That's what happens in larger families. As he gets older sure one to one time will be important with all the kids. As for sharing a room that's what kids do. You're making a massive deal about it.

noglow · 16/07/2023 13:18

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:52

My ex won’t let up on the midweek thing. He says once every fortnight just isn’t enough so wants to make it up somewhere so I said he shouldn’t have changed jobs then!! His choice to do that.

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He shouldn't be tied down career wise. It's for his sons benefit for him to improve his job prospects. Same as if you went full time.

noglow · 16/07/2023 13:20

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 12:53

It's important to remember OP that the kids you are so affronted by him having to spend time with are his half siblings other siblings, who live with that family unit more than he does. He will always be a spare part if he doesn't know them. Unless they bully him or something, it's better for him to be close to them.

Exactly, OP you need to be helping him become part of this family unit not making it seem like it's horrendous he has to.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 13:29

Why do assume your son gets little attention from his dad when the step mum has her kids there? Did your son tell you that?

CornishGem1975 · 16/07/2023 13:29

YABU. You sound really controlling. Your ex actually sounds like he's handled this all really well. You're not together, people move on. You need to move on too.

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