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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Laurdo · 16/07/2023 14:02

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:52

My ex won’t let up on the midweek thing. He says once every fortnight just isn’t enough so wants to make it up somewhere so I said he shouldn’t have changed jobs then!! His choice to do that.

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Yeah yeah what a terrible father wanting to earn more money for his family and spend more time with his son. 🙄

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 14:10

@Hatsof Why do you think your ex should pay more child maintenance than what cms says he should pay?

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oh there are worse trust me. My husbands ex wanted it written in the court order that he wasn't allowed to take his son to the hairdressers for a hair cut and that she was the only one who was allowed to.

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 14:50

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 14:10

@Hatsof Why do you think your ex should pay more child maintenance than what cms says he should pay?

It’s just a guide isn’t it, surely he should pay more if he can. He has a much better paid job than me, I only work term time in school hours to suit our son

OP posts:
KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 14:54

@Hatsof I think they take everything into consideration what your ex has to pay out too. He's running a house also and has other people to support so that will all play a part in how much is calculated.

SemperIdem · 16/07/2023 15:01

Aside from the fact you are trying to be very controlling, I think it is really odd that you don’t ever want to spend time on the weekend with your son. Really odd.

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 15:07

SemperIdem · 16/07/2023 15:01

Aside from the fact you are trying to be very controlling, I think it is really odd that you don’t ever want to spend time on the weekend with your son. Really odd.

It’s not that so much, it’s more that it’s always been his time with his dad and I don’t think this should change just cos he’s chosen to have more kids and change jobs

OP posts:
KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 15:10

@Hatsof I completely understand that you don't think things should change but life is unpredictable and needs some flexibility for changing circumstances.

At the end of the day, if he didn't work, you wouldn't be getting any child maintenance.

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 15:12

It’s not that so much, it’s more that it’s always been his time with his dad and I don’t think this should change just cos he’s chosen to have more kids and change jobs

That is not your call though. This is about him changing jobs, not about him having more kids, and even in a nuclear family, parents might at any point start working weekends. It's immaterial whether you think that's morally right, all that matters is whether it works for you logistically, which it sounds like it does, you're just against the idea of it.

BoohooWoohoo · 16/07/2023 15:14

It's normal for contact to change as the child grows up- especially at transition times like starting primary/secondary/college. It was highly unlikely that things would never change, especially when you try and follow a child centred solution.

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 15:26

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 14:50

It’s just a guide isn’t it, surely he should pay more if he can. He has a much better paid job than me, I only work term time in school hours to suit our son

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You choose to work PT. And then not see your son at the weekend. You want to control everything and have your ex pay for your lifestyle choices.

it is very hard to believe that anyone would post what you have here. Even someone doing a reverse might have thought ‘I’d better pare back the sense of massive entitlement a bit here’.

SemperIdem · 16/07/2023 15:30

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 15:07

It’s not that so much, it’s more that it’s always been his time with his dad and I don’t think this should change just cos he’s chosen to have more kids and change jobs

Show quote history

It seems a lot more like you want to keep your weekends free, as they are now.

Newjobformoremoney · 16/07/2023 15:34

OP, it’s your sons sibling. They should spend time to ether as a family, because they are a family.
You need to change the way you look at it and see it as a great opportunity for your son to have a relationship with his sibling.
You should also go to therapy and talk to someone about how controlling you feel you can be about other peoples lives. Do it now for your son. He will move out, marry someone and you don’t want to be that MIL.

sweatybettii · 16/07/2023 15:38

You sound so much like my dh ex, she was a massive pain and still is 10 years later.

I don't think this is about your son, it's about you wanting to control the situation.

noglow · 16/07/2023 15:41

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 14:50

It’s just a guide isn’t it, surely he should pay more if he can. He has a much better paid job than me, I only work term time in school hours to suit our son

Show quote history

Your choice. Loads of people with kids don't work school only hours. Your income is not his concern.

sweatybettii · 16/07/2023 15:42

Btw op, court will order every other weekend, it's so both of you get quality down time with your child.

Doyoumind · 16/07/2023 15:49

Your thinking is twisted OP. Working part time to see your son during the week but then never seeing him at the weekends for years doesn't look anything like prioritising him to me.

You're expecting your ex to cut contact from 6 in 14 nights to 3 in 14 if you don't agree to the weekday contact. Courts don't like established contact to reduce, so they will award the weekdays. There's no point in fighting it. They won't expect him to revert back to every weekend because that's a bonkers setup, which isn't best for your DS.

strawberry2017 · 16/07/2023 15:55

You are completely unreasonable. Whether you like it or not he has built a new family and he's doing his best to include his child with you so stop standing in the bloody way and let him.
You are the problem here. You can't have it your way in his house. You only get to control your own home.
They are a blended family and they are doing their best to make everyone happy.

Mumuser124 · 16/07/2023 16:04

@Hatsof

The reality of his dads life is what it is. You are behaving incredibly unreasonable and controlling to try and orchestrate a life for your child that does not exist. All you posts are about what YOU want and feel but you dress them up to be about your son.

The fact is, your son does have a sibling and step siblings and that is the life he should be living in because that is the life his dad has. You are so beyond wrong to deny the 2 overnights in the week. You are being incredibly selfish.

Wigglewigglewitch · 16/07/2023 16:16

You come across as bitter and resentful and you are not prioritising your son. The biggest most amazing gift you can give a child in these circumstances is the freedom to build relationships with their step / half family without the burden of guilt. Trust me.

I’d give anything for my kids to have a whole other family to be part of and to care about them. They’d have loved it too, but their dad fucked off to another country with a woman with no kids and sees them once a year.

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 17:01

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 13:29

Why do assume your son gets little attention from his dad when the step mum has her kids there? Did your son tell you that?

no but it’s obvious cos the more kids there are the less attention he’s going to get

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 17:06

sweatybettii · 16/07/2023 15:42

Btw op, court will order every other weekend, it's so both of you get quality down time with your child.

But he isn’t having quality time with him that’s the issue. He has to share his dad with another child. My son says every time they do anything it go anywhere the other child is always there it’s never just my son. I asked my ex to dedicate one day at least of the weekend to have our son alone and he ignored me so I asked my son to ask him and apparently he said h can’t always do that cos the gf works so he has to look after the baby. So he can prioritise his precious baby but not my son.

OP posts:
KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 17:12

@Hatsof The thing is, what happens during contact time with the father is his business and the dad will handle it how he sees fit. The only justification for getting involved in that would be if your son was at risk of significant harm.

As a general rule, day to day decisions are made by the parent who has care of the child at the time and courts expect the other parent to not interfere. His father doesn't need to ask your permission for day to day decisions just like you don't need to ask permission from him.

The only areas that require consultation are about serious decisions such as education, health, religion and abroad travel.

As someone who has been involved with the court system for 13 years, I would advise to not get involved with what you ex does during his time with his son. Your son having to share his dad with another child is not going to do him any harm, plenty of children grow up with siblings. In fact, it may actually teach him to essential life and social skills.

grunttheterrible · 16/07/2023 17:17

Are you an only child OP?

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 17:21

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 17:06

But he isn’t having quality time with him that’s the issue. He has to share his dad with another child. My son says every time they do anything it go anywhere the other child is always there it’s never just my son. I asked my ex to dedicate one day at least of the weekend to have our son alone and he ignored me so I asked my son to ask him and apparently he said h can’t always do that cos the gf works so he has to look after the baby. So he can prioritise his precious baby but not my son.

Show quote history

You need to STOP quizzing your son about what happens at dad’s and telling him that time with his sibling diminishes his time with his dad.

It sounds like your ex might reasonably make a case that you are alienating your son from his paternal family.

It’s normal and desirable for him to spend time with his sibling. However you feel about that.