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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 16:47

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 16:38

OP, now that your ex has made a court application, you should be hearing from CAFCASS before the first hearing. Do you know what you are planning on saying to them?

Nope, do you know what they ask?

OP posts:
ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 17:02

@Hatsof They will ask if you have any safeguarding concerns regarding your exes care of your son. They will ask what contact dad is currently having and what he is asking for.

They also do local agency checks with the police and social services etc.

scoobysnaxx · 27/07/2023 19:09

DO NOT LIE to CAFCASS OP.

Think long and hard about what you're going to say to them and WHY you are going to say it..

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/07/2023 19:40

Cafcass will see right through you. Do not even think if trying to coach your son, don't even think of lying. You've created an unholy mess here and that little boy is damaged. Oh and they will speak to the school too.

Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:07

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 17:02

@Hatsof They will ask if you have any safeguarding concerns regarding your exes care of your son. They will ask what contact dad is currently having and what he is asking for.

They also do local agency checks with the police and social services etc.

Well i know social services have been involved with the gfs kids cos of domestic abuse in the past apparently with her ex so should I bring that up? I wouldn’t say I have safe guarding concerns i suppose

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 27/07/2023 22:13

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:07

Well i know social services have been involved with the gfs kids cos of domestic abuse in the past apparently with her ex so should I bring that up? I wouldn’t say I have safe guarding concerns i suppose

Show quote history

No, you shouldn't. That's her history, and nothing to do with present day. If you have no safeguarding issues, which obviously you don't because he has your son 3 days a week, you respond 'no'

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 22:14

@Hatsof They aren't doing checks on her, only you and your ex as you are the ones who are the parents.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:18

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:07

Well i know social services have been involved with the gfs kids cos of domestic abuse in the past apparently with her ex so should I bring that up? I wouldn’t say I have safe guarding concerns i suppose

Show quote history

I’m assuming that she was the victim of the domestic violence rather than the perpetrator? If so, you really need to take a break from being an utter nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:21

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:18

I’m assuming that she was the victim of the domestic violence rather than the perpetrator? If so, you really need to take a break from being an utter nasty piece of work.

Show quote history

Yes from what I’ve heard from others she was badly abused which I don’t wish on her or anyone at all I just want my son to have the dad he deserves

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 27/07/2023 22:22

What about the mum he deserves? Feel sorry for that kid.

SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:23

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:21

Yes from what I’ve heard from others she was badly abused which I don’t wish on her or anyone at all I just want my son to have the dad he deserves

Show quote history

If I were you, I would concentrate more on him having the mum he deserves because you’re not currently it.

Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:25

I realise I’ve made some mistakes but I can’t help the way I feel.

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 27/07/2023 22:26

You can control how you feel if you take a moment to consider the fact you’re a grown woman and being not only irrationally, but spiteful and vindictive with it.

twigy100 · 27/07/2023 22:29

But you can seek counselling to understand why you have behaved the way you have and correct it so you don't make the same mistakes moving forward. If not for you for your sons sake because you are honestly on the road to losing him if you continue the way you currently are. The things you have done to your son and his dad's relationship are completely unacceptable

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/07/2023 22:46

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:25

I realise I’ve made some mistakes but I can’t help the way I feel.

But you can help the way you act on those feelings. That's part of being a grown up, not having toddler tantrums when things don't go exactly as you want them to.

You are ONE of your DS's parents. If the other parent is an involved one you don't get to make sole decisions about what happens in your DS's life. You can only control what happens when he is with you.

How would you like it if your ex started telling you how to parent your DS when you had him? Criticised you for not giving him the company of other DC when he was spending time with you? Told you you were spoiling him by giving him too much 1-1 time and not teaching him that art if compromising or how to get along in larger groups etc.

Because that's exactly what you're doing to your ex. Criticising him for making normal choices made up and down the country by other parents on a daily basis.

monsteramunch · 27/07/2023 22:48

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:25

I realise I’ve made some mistakes but I can’t help the way I feel.

You can help your actions.

You're a grown up. A mother.

Your responsibility is to your son.

His dad is asking to be more involved in your son's life.

He wants to make him part of his growing family, he doesn't want to isolate him from them. That's what you're asking him to do.

You have been selfish and irresponsible.

You need to make your decisions child centric, not you centric.

And you need to do that pretty fucking sharpish now the courts are going to be involved.

monsteramunch · 27/07/2023 22:50

Imagine if your ex said "I only want to see our son individually, I don't want to include him in the time I spend with our baby. I will see him when I am not with my family, but won't include him if they are present."

That's what you're saying you would prefer rather than what he's saying now which is "I want our son to be part of my growing family and to spend time with us as a family, to get to know his siblings and step siblings. I want to include him, not keep him separate"?!

Jesus.

Stomacharmeleon · 27/07/2023 23:03

@Hatsof you may have made mistakes but it's how you move on. Your son will thank you for encouraging and facilitating the relationship with his dad. You have to give up this idea that you can control the narrative and trust me you will feel better for it. Their relationship may not be the one you envisaged but it's the one they you can help nurture.

It's the right thing to do.

aSofaNearYou · 27/07/2023 23:47

Yes from what I’ve heard from others she was badly abused which I don’t wish on her or anyone at all I just want my son to have the dad he deserves

From all you've said here, he does.

Laurdo · 28/07/2023 06:48

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:07

Well i know social services have been involved with the gfs kids cos of domestic abuse in the past apparently with her ex so should I bring that up? I wouldn’t say I have safe guarding concerns i suppose

Show quote history

So the poor woman had an abusive ex partner and you want to bring that up to use against your ex? Wow!

Laurdo · 28/07/2023 06:50

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:21

Yes from what I’ve heard from others she was badly abused which I don’t wish on her or anyone at all I just want my son to have the dad he deserves

Show quote history

I'm sure that's all the gf wanted for her kids while she was being badly abused. Have you no compassion for anyone but yourself?

noglow · 28/07/2023 06:53

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:07

Well i know social services have been involved with the gfs kids cos of domestic abuse in the past apparently with her ex so should I bring that up? I wouldn’t say I have safe guarding concerns i suppose

Show quote history

Are social services involved with your kids? If not then no of course not. Not unless you want to add to the reasons the court will take a dislike to you

noglow · 28/07/2023 06:54

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:25

I realise I’ve made some mistakes but I can’t help the way I feel.

Get some therapy- and I don't mean that in an insulting throw away comment kind of way.

Laurdo · 28/07/2023 06:55

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:25

I realise I’ve made some mistakes but I can’t help the way I feel.

Maybe you can't help the way you feel but you can control how you act.

I feel like punching my DSDs mother every time she's at my front door making snarky remarks and insulting me but I don't because I'm a grown adult and that's not what's best for my DSD.

yogasaurus · 28/07/2023 06:56

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 22:25

I realise I’ve made some mistakes but I can’t help the way I feel.

You will quite rightly be annihilated in court. You’re not even smart enough to hide what you’ve done.