Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

No, he doesn't. If you'd had a second yourself you wouldn't say that. Sorry I know you couldn't have more and are resentful that your ex can, that's for you to come to terms with I'm afraid. I only have one too and would have liked more. My DH had two with his ex so said with us having three between us was enough. Life isn't fair but you can't control things like this once a relationship is over however much you want to or tell yourself that you're fighting for your son. My DH's ex was/is the same as you and her kids who are now teenagers, see right through it and it has damaged their relationship with their mum, not with us so please think on. Your son won't thank you for this.

To give an example of contact schedules for fathers, my husband has his son Friday to Monday and then Wednesday to Friday. Also has half of all school holidays and special occasions.

Oh OP you are going to get flamed on this, even the most anti - exDH and anti -stepparents on the board might consider you unreasonable here.

I don’t to be unkind I don’t think it’s helpful but you come across as very entitled and I’m sure this isn’t because you are awful or terrible, but I think you are reacting badly to the end of the relationship & the pain that comes with it. The best way to keep any sort of control over the situation is to ‘fight for your sons rights’ but truly, although it would have been nice to know ahead of your boy that he was going to be a brother so you could support him with difficult feelings, if you have previously displayed controlling, combative or micromanaging behaviours about your ex’s life without you, how he sees fit to run his home etc, I can understand why you weren’t made party to their news. I suspect this is possibly how things have played out where you’ve mentioned ‘fuming’ about previous things & also stated that ex never tells you anything. At this stage it sounds like he’s ‘grey rock’ Co-parenting to minimise stress and drama as much as possible.

It’s not reasonable or realistic to think your child is priority over their shared child. If you went on to have another child, would you really think acceptable to put 80% energy into your eldest & 20% into the baby just because eldest was born first? Or because the youngest gets more of your time when eldest is with dad? It’s just not feasible or right on either child.

regarding the access he has suggested, this sounds very reasonable & normal. Your assertion that weekends are your only time off because you work in the week don’t really hold weight, this is the same experience for practically every adult and / or parent in the UK (including SAHMs, because they are literally 70 hours across 5 days, no parent is exempt). I’m assuming you ex also works full time & falls into this category.

if you want communication about your son to improve with ex, I think you need to start viewing things & reacting to things in a different way. You are very black & white here but the reality is, things change. Your ex has a family that your son is part of & it doesn’t sound like your son is unhappy. Which is a credit to you too obviously. I know you love your son very much & just want the best for him but you do have to accept that what’s best for him may not be best for you, & come to terms with it, for your own good. These things are taking up too much headspace. I know it’s hard.

I’d urge you to consider the access ex has proposed. Not least - Why should you be the drudge mum in the week doing all the parenting in regards to schooling & drop offs & laundry & packed lunches, and dad has all the fun stuff at the weekend? Wouldn’t it be nice to relinquish that work for 4 days a month & get back the bonus of proper quality time with your boy for 4 a month?

I really wish you all the best & hope you can resolve how you feel about everything, I know it’s hard & frustrating to let go of control but you really do have to for your own sake.

Having read your updates, I'm really shocked. I thought that you might work weekends and every other weekend childcare being difficult to source. In your situation, it's very unreasonable to say no to weekday contact and expect weekends to be childfree. When does your son see maternal extended family? Does your side of the family ever have events like barbecues and birthdays?

Love isn't finite. Your ex having another baby doesn't mean that he loves your son less. If you didn't have fertility issues, would you have considered a second child? It's not fair to resent your ex for being lucky enough to have a second child. Both of his children are equally important and it's his job to nurture a good relationship between them.
If you really thought that contact should be about quality time then you'd think that ds shouldn't attend as dad isn't at home. You are putting your preference for child free time over what is best for your son.

So you have every weekend child free? Sounds like you're more annoyed at having to parent your child at a weekend now that your ex wants to change the arrangement.

You sound like an absolute control freak and have been unreasonable at every turn. So much "I feel" and "my son should come first". It's not about what you feel and your son is part of a wider family there. He will not come first above all the other children and that's perfectly normal. This all sounds like it's coming from your bitterness about that, but that is not at all reasonable, it's perfectly normal for people to have more than one child and split their attention.

His request also sounds logical and reasonable, you're just refusing it to be difficult. If you think your son needs time to be an only child, all the more the more reason to spend some of them with you. EOW is more common as it gives the child actual leisure time where they're not just getting ready for and home from school with both parents. He's working then, you're not. It makes perfect sense.

So you spend no weekends regularly with your son? Wow. The only time you get to yourself? We all need a bit of time alone but all weekend every weekend bar the holidays...

The problem here is you.

It doesn't seem you have come to terms with a) the fact you can only have 1 child b) the split? c) the fact he's "got to move on with someone 10 years younger than me" and d) that he is just as much your sons parent as you.

You seem to hold bitterness and resentment.

I think you need counselling to figure that out.

You keeping your son for building new relationships with his other family is only hurting him.

Your ex has a new family which he is clearly trying hard to involve your son in and not create a separation. What you are doing is creating a separation.

So if you'd had a second child you wouldn't have treated them equally as 'first gets priority' ? See how ridiculous that is? Children within a family should be treated equally, none of them should be prioritised over the others on a day to day basis. And whether you like it or not he is part of their family.

And what happens if you have another baby will you still think the same?
My eldest daughter is not more important than my youngest just because she happened to be born first! That's ridiculous!

OP, your "oh it's definitely real" makes me think it's a reverse?

Why does a first born child get priority over a newborn? In a typical nuclear family this would never be the case.

You really expect a man to leave his gf and newborn evey weekend, all weekend, to go and see his other son? There was. Actually a thread on here recently from a woman whose partner was doing exactly that and her mental health was in tatters and everyone was saying how awful he was

Op I know it 'feels unfair' that your ex met someone else and had a baby when you can't, but that's an issue for you and your therapist, and has nothing to do with your sons parenting plan

There's also a danger that as time goes on, if you don't start sharing some of weekends with your ex, that your sons time with you will start to feel routine and boring. Dad has all the weekends to do the fun stuff and also has your DS's half siblings and step siblings around which he probably does enjoy.

You should be looking forward to having more weekend time with your DS so that you can relax with him more and have proper days out. The bulk of your time with him now is the drudge of weekday parenting; school run, work, pick up, activities, tea then bed. It would be good for you to have a break from that and for Ex to do some of the more routine stuff too.

Yep. This whole thread in a nutshell.

Can't get over the ex has met someone else, and now she actually has to have her own child every other weekend!

No not a reverse either.

Then maybe this should give you an indication of how you really sound.

People think it's a reverse because of the level of ridiculous entitlement you are showing.

OP it's concerning you actually think this way. You got pregnant first, so you genuinely think your child is more important? Have you heard that out loud?

Our new baby is left out www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/4849290-our-new-baby-is-left-out this thread is like the other version of this one

Why are your entitled to have every weekend to yourself but your ex isn't allowed any weekends to himself? I assume he works weekdays as well.

When I first read it I thought it was a reverse because surely no one thinks they have this much say in their ex's life and they've gone to the effort of making him sound very reasonable.

OP, it sounds like you want everything your way.

You have your ds for company in the evenings but then want all your weekends free.

Things change. You need to move on. EOW and one or two nights during the week is completely normal. Your DS spending time with other children is normal and will help him with social skills.

Is your resentment because they have more children that you were unable to have? If so, that's sad and I understand you may have regrets over that. I only have one child too. But you have to let them all get on with their lives. Enjoy your EOW with your DS. You can take him to places like Harry Potter World that you can't do in an evening. Plan joyful times together. Don't drag everyone through the courts, it will cost stupid amounts of money, get you nowhere, and cause bitterness that won't be easily erased.

I don’t think he’s reasonable at all! He only pays what he’s suppose to in maintenance and wants to change things so our son gets even less time with him without the other kids about. How’s that fair

Cms goes on nights. I have him more nights

You don't need every weekend in order to get some me time. Surely alternate weekends and at least one night in the week are a better balance for all of you. Weekdays when working are fairly fraught in most households, surely you and DS would benefit from slightly more chilled time together over alternate weekends. It sounds more like you want to keep the every weekend with DF option for you, not as what's best for DS.

But you want more.. when he technically has him more. You should be supporting him.