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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
penpop · 16/07/2023 09:33

The only thing you're doing here is making your DS feel left out because he can't be around the other children, which like it or not is now his family. He's probably shy around them because he doesn't know them properly! If your ex can confirm that he can get DS to school in the week then court will more than likely agree to what he is asking as it's not unreasonable at all.

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:34

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:31

No I don’t. I work mon-fri.

Show quote history

Why do you object to the contact pattern your ex has asked for?

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:35

penpop · 16/07/2023 09:33

The only thing you're doing here is making your DS feel left out because he can't be around the other children, which like it or not is now his family. He's probably shy around them because he doesn't know them properly! If your ex can confirm that he can get DS to school in the week then court will more than likely agree to what he is asking as it's not unreasonable at all.

He might not be shy around them at all. The OP has simply decided he is and that’s why she should be in charge of everything.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 16/07/2023 09:36

Whilst I do think your ex should have given you the heads up on some of those things, he didn't need your permission, you can't stop him doing them and he's actually not been unfair/unreasonable/ whatever.

My DC came home one day to tell me they'd been to "Daddy's friends house" (this was 6 weeks after he was asking me to give him another chance). A week after that Daddy was living there, she was pregnant the next week and then they were engaged. That was too fast! Way too fast. And my DC were shut out and ignored.

None of which your ex is doing. I know it's hard. And it hurts, especially if you haven't been able to 'move on' because you're too busy being a parent. But that's the way it is I'm afraid. And as time goes on it hurts less. Heck my exes now wife is welcome to him. And I feel sorry for their DC having them as parents!

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:37

I get what you’re all saying, however my son was here first and deserves to be first priority. I spend plenty of time with him in the holidays and evenings ect and I work term time so I only work when he’s at school.

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 16/07/2023 09:39

Don’t you want to spend whole days with your son though? Do you have to wait until the holidays to have a day together right now if he’s at school all week and daddy’s on the weekend?

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:39

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:34

Why do you object to the contact pattern your ex has asked for?

Show quote history

Because the gfs kids are always there week days and he already shares his dad with the baby, he shouldn’t have to share with the other kids also. Most weekends the gfs kids are with their dad so at least he gets a bit of attention even if it’s shared with the baby!

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 16/07/2023 09:39

Sorry crossed with you there.

Lefteyetwitch · 16/07/2023 09:40

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:37

I get what you’re all saying, however my son was here first and deserves to be first priority. I spend plenty of time with him in the holidays and evenings ect and I work term time so I only work when he’s at school.

No. First borns do not get preferential treatment because they happen to be born first.
When your Ex has him more he will manage his family how he sees fit

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:40

itwasntmetho · 16/07/2023 09:39

Don’t you want to spend whole days with your son though? Do you have to wait until the holidays to have a day together right now if he’s at school all week and daddy’s on the weekend?

I guess so but the weekends are also my only free time to have me time as I work during the week

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:40

Honestly, YOU are the problem here OP.

frazzledasarock · 16/07/2023 09:41

You come across as very controlling and jealous.

your ex is taking care of your son and integrating him with his family you should accept this and not make life harder for your child.

Also your CMS payments will change dependant on the salary your ex receives at work.

honestly the only one who is suffering by you kicking off constantly and trying to control your ex through your child is your son.

are you never planning on moving on and having more children because you don’t want your son to put up with more kids?

Doyoumind · 16/07/2023 09:42

Did your own dad reject you in some way OP because your thinking is off here? You're thrusting your DS on your ex at the expense of your time with him. How can you think never having weekend time with you is fair on him?

KentuckyFriedChicken83 · 16/07/2023 09:42

@Hatsof He might enjoy time with the other kids though. Try to look at it in a different light, that there are friends that your son can play with and he can hopefully get a close bond with them. I think he could potentially feel more left out by not being involved with the whole family.

IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:43

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Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:45

frazzledasarock · 16/07/2023 09:41

You come across as very controlling and jealous.

your ex is taking care of your son and integrating him with his family you should accept this and not make life harder for your child.

Also your CMS payments will change dependant on the salary your ex receives at work.

honestly the only one who is suffering by you kicking off constantly and trying to control your ex through your child is your son.

are you never planning on moving on and having more children because you don’t want your son to put up with more kids?

I didn’t have my son till I was 40 and had to do ivf so I won’t be having more children. Seems so unfair ex gets a gf 10 years younger than me and has another baby without a thought for our son who should come first

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 16/07/2023 09:46

This reply has been deleted

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I agree it's a most unusual setup if it's real. The ex actually has much more waking hours time with the DS than the OP.

Original poster
Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:47

Doyoumind · 16/07/2023 09:46

I agree it's a most unusual setup if it's real. The ex actually has much more waking hours time with the DS than the OP.

Show quote history

Oh it’s definitely real! Not made up!

OP posts:
IncomingTraffic · 16/07/2023 09:52

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:45

I didn’t have my son till I was 40 and had to do ivf so I won’t be having more children. Seems so unfair ex gets a gf 10 years younger than me and has another baby without a thought for our son who should come first

Show quote history

So you feel you should punish your ex because you can’t have more kids?

Get some counselling and think beyond your own feelings here. Since you insist this is genuine.

pyjamalife · 16/07/2023 09:53

This reply has been deleted

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Glad someone has flagged it, I was thinking the same (and I know I'll be awful and controlling if me and my husband split!) but this doesn't sit right.

CattyCattle · 16/07/2023 09:56

What's your real issue OP? Is it your ex moving on? Why don't you want to spend regular full days with your son having weekend fun?

Doyoumind · 16/07/2023 09:58

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:47

Oh it’s definitely real! Not made up!

Show quote history

If it's real, then get some perspective because it is not normal for a child to have no weekend contact with a parent - either parent. If you go with ex's suggestion you will still have free time EOW plus during the week.

Get help with your feelings about only being able to have one child, and be glad that your DS gets to have a sibling, and step siblings. Don't full him full of fear of other children.

Whatthefuck3456 · 16/07/2023 10:01

Your son has a new blended family. That’s his new life. Your son is superior to you but not to his new family all children are valued the same. You sound like you are putting obstacles in his way because He’s moved on.

think about what your doing because you will create problems for you son.

Keepitrealnomists · 16/07/2023 10:01

You sound jealous that your ex had moved on. You also sound like a massive pain in the ass who wants every weekend childfree. You clearly are not putting your child ahead of your own feelings. You need some hobbies and to focus on your own life and be less fixated on your ex and his set up.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 16/07/2023 10:02

Firstly stop stalking your ex on social media and secondly stop trying to control your exes time with your child. You are his ex. You are your wants and needs are no longer his priority. He wants to see his child and the courts will allow it and if you carry on the way you are (unhinged) it is likely your ex will get 50/50. I cannot believe you want more money than cms has granted you. Your ex has another life with other kids and needs to also provide for them.