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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:

Laurdo · 16/07/2023 11:06

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 10:58

I don’t think he’s reasonable at all! He only pays what he’s suppose to in maintenance and wants to change things so our son gets even less time with him without the other kids about. How’s that fair

Show quote history

He's asked to change the schedule due to his new job as he now won't be able to spend time with him every weekend. So would you rather he kept the schedule the same and didn't see him every other weekend? You'd probably complain that your son was being looked after by his dad's gf. Or is he just not allow to change his job because it doesn't suit you? Are you really that controlling that you'll even try to dictate his job?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/07/2023 11:08

It’s reassuring to think this child has one decent parent.

Laurdo · 16/07/2023 11:09

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:01

Cms goes on nights. I have him more nights

Show quote history

Yeah like one extra night a week. He'll probably be spending more money because he'll be paying to do stuff on the weekends. You're doing the school run and spending a few hours, probably just at home after school. Yet you want more money?

Original poster

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:18

I only asked for more money, don’t really expect it it’s fine he’s still paying what he should I know. I do think he should have consulted me about changing jobs knowing this would affect seeing his son yes.

OP posts:

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:19

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:31

No I don’t. I work mon-fri.

Show quote history

Then it's no issue to do every other weekend. You can spend quality time with your child.

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:20

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:37

I get what you’re all saying, however my son was here first and deserves to be first priority. I spend plenty of time with him in the holidays and evenings ect and I work term time so I only work when he’s at school.

That's not how it works. All your exs children need to be his priority

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:22

Well "what he's suppose to" hardly sounds wildly unreasonable, does it, it's what he's supposed to pay. And it's not your choice to dictate that "time without the other kids about" is the main priority. He obviously feels that him being present when his son is there, other kids or not, is more important than it being at the time it's always been and his GF looking after him. YOU think it's imperative he be alone with his dad, but this is not a fact. He's an only child when he's with you, there's an argument that it's good for him to have a big family with his dad. And either way, it's reality for thousands of kids so pointless to complain about it not being "fair". Lots of families have multiple children to consider.

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:22

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 09:45

I didn’t have my son till I was 40 and had to do ivf so I won’t be having more children. Seems so unfair ex gets a gf 10 years younger than me and has another baby without a thought for our son who should come first

Show quote history

Nothing wrong with him having a younger girlfriend. You come across bitter if I'm honest. Are you over this relationship?

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:24

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:18

That's not surprising given you also thought you should be consulted on him introducing him to his GF, then to her kids, and then when they decided to have a baby.

Original poster

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:26

aSofaNearYou · 16/07/2023 11:24

That's not surprising given you also thought you should be consulted on him introducing him to his GF, then to her kids, and then when they decided to have a baby.

Show quote history

Because we have a child together, these things affect him, so I should be consulted surely?

OP posts:

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:28

You get 4 days "off" out of 14 from seeing your child? And then when you do see them it's going to be all the school days so you'll see your child far more if you swap a weekend for some week days. The weekends are where the memories are made OP - you can do fun things. Are you unsure of your parenting capabilities? It can be tough to think of things to do - is there a local Facebook group you could get weekend activity ideas from?

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:30

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:26

Because we have a child together, these things affect him, so I should be consulted surely?

Show quote history

No. You shouldn't be consulted. Ideally yes a heads up - he's met my girlfriend this week, we're moving in together in a months time, here's the address - no change to contact. But no he doesn't have to discuss his life with his son with you. That is what happens when you split up.

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:30

Do you consult him about every aspect of your life?

nevynevster · 16/07/2023 11:32

Hey look I get it, divorce is hard and it's extra hard with kids. Having to negotiate with someone that you don't like any more about kids is harder still.

But you need to step back, you can't dictate his job. Why on earth should he consult you about his work? He has made a reasonable request to change arrangements. If it doesn't suit you, for whatever reasons, you can refuse. But you cannot tell him to prioritise your son over everything else in his life. He owes you no control over his life and as long as he's doing a decent job as a dad you can't dictate the terms of how he chooses to parent. This will eat you up inside if you continue like this

Original poster

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:33

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:30

Do you consult him about every aspect of your life?

Well not if it doesn’t affect my son. I haven’t met anyone since him, I’ve chosen not to cos I want to put my son first. And I only work the hours my son is in school so it doesn’t affect him

OP posts:

Livinghappy · 16/07/2023 11:34

I do think he should have consulted me about changing jobs knowing this would affect seeing his son yes

I think you may need to have a reality check. You have no rights over your ex's actions or decisions. You have to parallel parent rather than joint.

I sense you have grief over the relationship ending and your son being part of another family. That is understandable but you need to get to acceptance as appearing controlling. This won't be helping you as you have no control over what your ex does.

A judge is likely to award eow and one or 2 nights in the week as that is completely standard. Why fight this when you won't win any it will cost you ££ and more upset.

Doyoumind · 16/07/2023 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:35

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:33

Well not if it doesn’t affect my son. I haven’t met anyone since him, I’ve chosen not to cos I want to put my son first. And I only work the hours my son is in school so it doesn’t affect him

Show quote history

That is your choice. Your ex has moved on and found happiness in a big family that your son can be part of if you just stop poisoning him against the idea. And loads of people HAVE to work outside of school hours. To put food on the table.

Whattodo112222 · 16/07/2023 11:35

You sound very controlling and there is an underlying jealousy in your posts.
Your ex does not need to consult you on a single thing during his contact time.
Unless he's abusive, he has a hugely strong case for 50/50 residence.

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:36

Whattodo112222 · 16/07/2023 11:35

I mean if I were him I'd go for full time access with OP getting every other weekend.

Original poster

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:40

I’ve agreed to the every other weekend, it’s the week days I’ve said no to. He’s said if I won’t agree then it will have to be court

OP posts:

noglow · 16/07/2023 11:41

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:40

I’ve agreed to the every other weekend, it’s the week days I’ve said no to. He’s said if I won’t agree then it will have to be court

Ok so you've agreed to every other weekend. What's the problem with week days? Maintenance?

Stomacharmeleon · 16/07/2023 11:41

He is allowed to move on.
He is allowed to have more children.
He is allowed to integrate his child into his new family.

You sound so inflexible and unrealistic and it is YOU who will suffer. This must occupy a vast amount of your headspace.

How about chilling out and saying 'ok we will try it out and see what happens?' Be the better person. Your son is your joint son and not a pawn. He will look to you to guide him and your responses are not normal.

Stomacharmeleon · 16/07/2023 11:42

Let him try it during the holidays and see how he gets on.
Don't you want an amicable relationship with your ex?

Lefteyetwitch · 16/07/2023 11:45

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 11:40

I’ve agreed to the every other weekend, it’s the week days I’ve said no to. He’s said if I won’t agree then it will have to be court

And when he gets it?
When he finds out that he could get 50/50?

How are you going to handle the loss of control?

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