Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

It's not frustrating for the baby to be around that is your sons family. If you give him a chance to he might have a lovely relationship with the baby

The point is that you shouldn't be asking him. It's not his choice to make at the age of 7 and he doesn't have free will anyway. Simply asking him is manipulating him.

Do you think he would feel able to say to you that he did want to go to his dad's? Nothing you've said on this thread indicates that it's an answer you would accept and I'm sure he knows that.

You are damaging your child. I really hope you aren't for real.

This is an almost unbelievable thread. Honestly you need to realise:

1. his father does parent him almost half of the time.
2. his father absolutely should tell him off/enforce discipline as that is part of parenting. Disney parents are slated on here constantly as they do no good for the child.
3. your son might like the 1:1 attention he receives in your home but it is categorically not harmful/abusive/wrong in any way for him not to have 1:1 attention at his dads because of his sibling.
4. the ‘baby’ you are so irked by is his sibling. Of course it won’t be left at home on family days out and will always be there. That’s absolutely right and given that your son only have 3/7 of his time with his sibling then he should absolutely be spending time with them when he is at his dad’s.
5. you cannot withhold contact for any reason except in an emergency or due to serious safeguarding concerns (which you would need to prove and nothing you have said even comes close to that threshold)
6. you need to stop trying to control your ex’s choices and support your son in accepting that different homes doesn’t mean he has to chose a favourite/best way of parenting and can appreciate the pros/cons of both homes.
7. I cannot fathom why you can’t see that your husband actually wanted to change the contact schedule to see more of his son. Based on that alone he clearly does want to spend time with him as he didn’t want him visiting on weekends when he was working most of the time but instead wanted to see him in the week when he had the time.
8. you need to seriously reflect on your son’s real needs (to build a healthy relationship with both parents) instead of forcing him to think the 1:1 setup you have is always best and bribing him into that by setting up “fun” alternatives to time at his dads like birthday parties and family events. Quite frankly you could drop him off at his dads after the party if you really wanted to show your son that you loved him but also respected his relationship with his dad.

Op genuinely

"it’s so frustrating, the baby is always around"

Where realistically can the baby go ? Do you suggest the baby climbs back into your exs ball bags...

Left at fire house in a safe box ? Hire a babysitter when your sons there ?

Seriously what do you expect them to do with your sons sibling ?

If all goes well you and dad will die before your son so that baby will be his closest family. Give him a chance to form a bond

I hope for your sons sake your ex is successful and you have your arse handed to you on a plate....

You are either positively insane or about 12 years old?

I am genuinely gobsmacked.

I've never seen anyone lacking this much common sense and intelligence.

Don't be ridiculous - the baby is not an inconvenience. It is a child. A loved and cared for child and sibling of your sons.

You cannot seem to understand that just because your son says so, doesn't make it true. You cannot seem to understand that you have set an expectation in him. That he should come first and have alone time with dad. So he will be disappointed and feel left out because that is the expectation YOU set.

You set this wrongly and unnecessarily. You SHOULD have promoted and encouraged him thriving in his new family and spending time bonding with his step mum and new siblings. You COULD have made him look forward to going. But you didn't. You cannot seem to see how you have MANUFACTURED your sons feelings about his dad and step family. This is parental alienation through manipulation.

You should be ashamed, you are more concerned about how you can use you sons apparent self harm against his dad in court. That was your first thought. How can I weaponise this?? This is sick. You have caused this war so any feelings your sons has are probably you're fault. NOT HIS DADS. By the way, low self esteem is not a self harm behaviour??

@BudgetBuster was bang on with what they said earlier.

I don't think you see what you are doing. Still.

PLEASE BOOK TO SEE A THERAPIST.

Get in touch with RELATE - they can help you with your relationship with your son, parenting and most importantly how to bloody con parents.

Beggars belief I'm tired.

You have him 1 extra night a week more than his dad does. Stop making out like you have him so much more. You don't!

Even if his dad had him once a month he's allowed to discipline him if it's need.

This thread is definitely a hoax. Nobody is this ridiculous!!

Does he have a party every day of the week? No. Do he can go to his dad's on the days he doesn't have a party. You're deliberately trying to be awkward and difficult. I really hope your ex gets full custody because this poor little boy is already starting to show damage from your behaviour. You can blame his dad all you want but I can guarantee it's you who's causing his issues.

A friend has also said as ex is now having son less I should inform csa as I should be getting more maintenance. At the moment he’s only having him 6 nights a month! Not the 12 he’s supposed to.

He's only having him less as you are blocking his access
Just wait until court, then he'll hopefully get 50/50 so you will get zero maintenance.

I don’t think that’s correct as his wage is much higher than mine so I should still get some maintenance even if that did happen. Which it won’t cos there’s no reason to change where my son lives he’s well looked after and cared for

I don’t think that’s correct as his wage is much higher than mine so I should still get some maintenance even if that did happen.

Have you done no research about coparenting?

CMS is based on number of nights each parent has the child. It isn't based on any disparity in income unless spousal maintenance has been granted which hasn't happened in your case (so definitely won't be in your case now), is rare and usually granted when there is an absolutely huge disparity in income that means the children essentially would live in a mansion with one parent and poverty with the other.

But that's irrelevant to your case anyway because it wasn't granted and the circumstances don't fit the bill.

If he earns £100k and you earn £30k, but you each did 50:50 care of your son then you wouldn't get any money from your ex.

@Hatsof I don't think you understand the harm you are doing to your child.
You want to alienate him from his father and sibling.
You cancel Dad's time for your own benefit and then use it against him.
You want more money because you are limiting Dad's time.
You changed his name without the fathers consent
Plus whatever else you've done and haven't owned up to here.

I see your child going no contact with you when he's old enough to see sense.

The emotional harm you are inflicting on your child, for your own gain, is absolutely reprehensible. You should be ashamed of yourself.

CMS is based on number of nights each parent has the child.

To clarify my sentence here, it's based on the number of nights each parent has the child and if scrutinised in future, they may check this is genuine 50:50 care is given e.g. one parent isn't doing absolutely all of the heavy lifting care wise during their contact hours. Starting point for 50:50 is zero CMS and the earnings of either partner has no effect on it.

Yes babies tend to be 'around' 🙄

I don’t think that’s correct as his wage is much higher than mine so I should still get some maintenance even if that did happen. Which it won’t cos there’s no reason to change where my son lives he’s well looked after and cared for

It absolutely is true with 50/50 custody each parent is responsible for costs at the relevant house. I have 50/50 custody and this is how it works despite the disparity in wages
You could still be listed as 'Primary' parent with drs, school etc and keep the child allowance so you could keep the feeling of power that you clearly need.
There is a very clear need to change the current arrangement as it not in your sons best interest to be blocked from his family on Dads side

I'm starting to wonder if this particular op has some type of learning difficulties therefore isn't quite able to take in the information we are giving her

I don't think it's a hoax but I do think the above needs to be considered.

Op the court may take your son away from you because of the parental alienation going on here. Your ex could get full time and you pay him money. This does happen.

Especially since I suspect your ex will have a fair amount of proof about it.

Once the dad has a court order stating how many nights he’s entitled to per month contact. He can use that as proof of his contact time.

you won’t get any more money at all, even if you continue to play silly buggers with sending your son to his dads on the times he’s meant to.

the court documents are what CMS will look at and take as the truth.

CMS is not based on how much more he earns compared to you. It’s based on a percentage of his income less a discount he gets for children living in his home.

stop being so vindictive, your harming your child.

Yes babies tend to be 'around'

Nuts isn't it. Where on earth do you expect the baby to go, OP?

@frazzledasarock I wish the court order thing was true but CMS won't even take ours into consideration. Only what BM says.

I hope this child's Dad gets a caseworker with common sense and a judge with the foresight to see what the Mum is doing here.

It takes a certain level of delusion to prevent your DS from going to his dad's when he has asked to have him, and then complain that he's not having him enough and think you deserve more money.

Unfortunately court documents aren't allowed to be shared with anyone without the court's permission, even the order.

@poormanspombears I have a friend who doesn’t receive CMS as the court order states they both have their shared children 50:50, but in reality the NRP never does.

might be worth trying to submit a copy of your document with CMS, if you haven’t already. Or again if you have?

@ChiPawPrint i don’t think that’s correct with regards all court documents.

I had documents lodged with various different agencies with no problems.