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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 10:14

frazzledasarock · 27/07/2023 10:08

@ChiPawPrint i don’t think that’s correct with regards all court documents.

I had documents lodged with various different agencies with no problems.

With regards to family court it is. Even need permission to share the order with school.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 27/07/2023 10:16

OP you sound unhinged. It doesn't sound like your son is being pushed out. Exh is trying to still see him by having him during the week.

Not being funny but I think you are pushing your anxieties and upset to your son. You need to reign it in

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 10:19

@frazzledasarock

Just for reference in case you or anyone else wants to have a read.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachmentdata/file/1170074/EX7100_0723.pdf

frazzledasarock · 27/07/2023 10:30

@ChiPawPrint My orders were shared on advisement of my solicitors, and they were done so once the orders were finalised.

scoobysnaxx · 27/07/2023 10:58

@namechangenacy I was beginning to suspect the same thing. I don't mean it nastily, but it's hard to believe OP is being real.. she seems completely oblivious..

Reugny · 27/07/2023 11:08

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 10:14

With regards to family court it is. Even need permission to share the order with school.

Show quote history

That isn't quite correct.

You are allowed to give Court documents to HMRC and any agencies linked to them because if you don't volunteer the information they can take legal action against you to get them.

Can't go into detail but my DP was worried about sending certain documents to HMRC, so I looked online then checked with a solicitor friend before he sent the documents.

There as with schools, councils etc you have to get permission.

Reugny · 27/07/2023 11:09

frazzledasarock · 27/07/2023 10:30

@ChiPawPrint My orders were shared on advisement of my solicitors, and they were done so once the orders were finalised.

Yep agree with you.

Government agencies are different from schools, councils, health care providers etc.

namechangenacy · 27/07/2023 11:12

scoobysnaxx · 27/07/2023 10:58

@namechangenacy I was beginning to suspect the same thing. I don't mean it nastily, but it's hard to believe OP is being real.. she seems completely oblivious..

Same, I haven't said it to be mean but some of the comments have given me real pause.

And I don't think it's a hoax either. Possibly why ops ex only talks to her via email

Scottishskifun · 27/07/2023 11:45

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 09:27

I don’t think that’s correct as his wage is much higher than mine so I should still get some maintenance even if that did happen. Which it won’t cos there’s no reason to change where my son lives he’s well looked after and cared for

Show quote history

It doesn't matter what his wage is if 50/50 access is granted its zero child maintenance for you!

You seem completely oblivious to what your actions will cause will await the update or next thread that the judge is "evil" for giving your ex what he deserves!

Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 13:07

Scottishskifun · 27/07/2023 11:45

It doesn't matter what his wage is if 50/50 access is granted its zero child maintenance for you!

You seem completely oblivious to what your actions will cause will await the update or next thread that the judge is "evil" for giving your ex what he deserves!

Show quote history

I put it in the csa calculator online and it still says I’d get something!

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 27/07/2023 13:21

Whatever information you put into the calculator, it's overridden by the simple fact on the first page of the calculator, which clearly states:

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:
• sharing care equally with the other parent
• a full-time student with no income
• in prison

If he applies for and gets 50:50 care, which would very very likely be granted if he requested it, he wouldn't have to pay CMS to you.

Scottishskifun · 27/07/2023 13:22

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 13:07

I put it in the csa calculator online and it still says I’d get something!

Show quote history

From the govt website....
What happens if the day-to-day care of a child is equal between a paying parent and a receiving parent?
A: In this situation, the paying parent does not have to pay any child maintenance for that child

If your ex gets 50/50 so days equally split then no it's not likely at all what you will have put into a calculator is not the same thing as what a court may order!

WhatInFreshHell · 27/07/2023 13:26

@Hatsof You absolutely did not get that result from the calculation...not a chance in hell.

excelledyourself · 27/07/2023 13:31

WhatInFreshHell · 27/07/2023 13:26

@Hatsof You absolutely did not get that result from the calculation...not a chance in hell.

I believe she did, as I've just done it, based on a 50k salary and 50/50.

But it does also say on the first page that the paying parent won't have to pay if care is shared.

Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 13:39

I did do it. And it did say I’d still get something when I put in that I’d have him half the time…

OP posts:
ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 13:51

@Reugny I am unsure whether that is correct regarding being allowed to share with government agencies. Permission is even needed to share family court documents with a different legal area, such as a criminal case for example.

monsteramunch · 27/07/2023 13:52

I believe she did, as I've just done it, based on a 50k salary and 50/50.

Same but that's overridden by the disclaimer on the first page of the calculator:

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:
• sharing care equally with the other parent
• a full-time student with no income
• in prison

monsteramunch · 27/07/2023 13:53

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 13:39

I did do it. And it did say I’d still get something when I put in that I’d have him half the time…

Yes but you've ignored the disclaimer on the first page of the calculator, which negates that result...

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:
• sharing care equally with the other parent
• a full-time student with no income
• in prison

excelledyourself · 27/07/2023 14:16

monsteramunch · 27/07/2023 13:52

I believe she did, as I've just done it, based on a 50k salary and 50/50.

Same but that's overridden by the disclaimer on the first page of the calculator:

You will not have anything to pay through the Child Maintenance Service if you are:
• sharing care equally with the other parent
• a full-time student with no income
• in prison

Yes, I've said that myself.

I was saying that OP isn't lying about what it told her on the calculator itself.

Original poster
Hatsof · 27/07/2023 14:38

Ok I didn’t see that but. Fair enough but I don’t think he’s even wanting 50/50 as he can’t with his work. He wants every other weekend, then on the weeks he doesn’t have him on the weekend to have him 3 nights in the week instead. That’s what he wants and says he’s gone for

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 27/07/2023 14:44

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 09:27

I don’t think that’s correct as his wage is much higher than mine so I should still get some maintenance even if that did happen. Which it won’t cos there’s no reason to change where my son lives he’s well looked after and cared for

Show quote history

Well looked after, cared for and alienated from his family

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 14:51

Hatsof · 27/07/2023 14:38

Ok I didn’t see that but. Fair enough but I don’t think he’s even wanting 50/50 as he can’t with his work. He wants every other weekend, then on the weeks he doesn’t have him on the weekend to have him 3 nights in the week instead. That’s what he wants and says he’s gone for

Which is a reasonable request. Are you going to work with him and agree to it?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/07/2023 14:54

Crikey OP, you have allowed your jealousy to consume you. It is laughable that you think you have any control over your ex and his partner and family. Please work on yourself, gather some semblance of self respect and put your son first. They will be laughing at you. I also find it sad that you see your weekends as having time to yourself, so you only see your son for a few hours before bed on a school/work night? Your telling him that his father doesn't care but SHOWING him that you don't. You are raising a child that is going to grow into a very damaged adult.
I think your ex (and his partner) probably deserve a truckload of medals for dealing with your nonsense. The thing is, your attitude and behaviour will have just made them stronger as a unit. You need to deal with your jealousy and start living again.

FatCatBum · 27/07/2023 16:10

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 16:53

His teacher says it’s cos he has low self esteem. Yes I tell him off but I have him a lot more than his dad he’s suppose to just have fun with him not tell him off

I really can't work out if this is a wind up, or if you are really this deluded. He is your sons parent, anything you consider acceptable for you to do is acceptable for him to do. You are not more important

ChiPawPrint · 27/07/2023 16:38

OP, now that your ex has made a court application, you should be hearing from CAFCASS before the first hearing. Do you know what you are planning on saying to them?

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