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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex and son

611 replies

Hatsof · 16/07/2023 08:23

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

OP posts:
HerMammy · 24/07/2023 23:29

If this is real, OP is clearly incapable of rational thinking and will not accept she is behaving inappropriately, better to agree with him or risk losing custody, because tbf the way you're behaving it wouldnt be a huge reach for your ex to get full custody.

excelledyourself · 24/07/2023 23:44

I won’t cos no one can prove that’s what I did!

This has already been explained to you.

Any judge will see that this is something you are capable of.

And to be honest, I doubt you're capable of having forged it as well as you think.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 25/07/2023 00:55

@Hatsof
Really?? So what do I do?? I’ve basically begged him not to go through with court and he’s still saying he is. He says the mediation certificate only lasts a certain time?

Offer him, in writing, what you are willing to agree to and if it's fair and reasonable hope like hell the judge thinks your ex is wasting his time to get a court order to give him what you are willing to offer him. That's all you can do.

If he has always been a good and involved father you don't have the right to tell him how to parent, or how he divides his time between his DC. You may not like it but you need to internalise it and never let it out to your DS. (Moan to your friends to get it out of your system if need be.)

Over time your DS may feel like you do, that he prefers the 1-1 and peace and quiet of your home, or he may decide he likes the liveliness and business of a house full of DC, or he might like a bit of both. You can't know now what he will prefer and you don't get to make that decision for him.

Crazycrazylady · 25/07/2023 18:37

This isn't a criminal trial op. You will submit your 'evidence' and your Ex submits his and the judge decides who he believes ( it won't be you) bases on the fact that your ex has all the texts you've sent. If the judge belies there is a case he can refer any other issues to the police .
Anyway you've finally pushed your ex too far now and it's going Tom come back to haunt you either way .

Louoby · 25/07/2023 19:02

Every other weekend is perfectly reasonable and tbh I don't understand why you wouldn't want a weekend with your son? I love my weekends with my boy, I would of had him with me every day had I of had a choice which obviously I don't.
As for him moving on, he's perfectly entitled too. Just because your son was there first; doesn't mean he's more important than the other child. The child is innocent and you shouldn't feel that way. I think you need to stop trying to control your Ex and let go. You'll be happier when your not trying to micromanage him and every situation your son is in.

TitoMojito · 26/07/2023 07:48

I won’t cos no one can prove that’s what I did!

This isn't a jury trial. They don’t need to prove things beyond a reasonable doubt. With amount of lying and manipulation you've done so far, it's really not going to be a stretch to believe you did this too. Also your ex might be able to prove that's not his signature if it doesn't match anything else he’s signed in the past few years?

BudgetBuster · 26/07/2023 10:10

Have you been served yet OP?

frazzledasarock · 26/07/2023 11:31

I expect the judge will accept the fathers word that he did not authorise the name change. You have no proof he did sign the papers. It’s your words against your ex’s and he’s been a present and caring father so no proof he would have authorised a name change if he is saying he didn’t.

and I wouldn’t bank on the name not being ordered to be changed back by the judge either.

poormanspombears · 26/07/2023 12:34

I hate to be blunt but if you go to court with your current attitude you will not get what you want.
A pretty standard CAO is every other weekend, alternate holidays/birthdays/events and a midweek overnight or 2. If your ex can justify a case for 50/50 he may even be likely to get that.
None of the reasons you have cited will stop the judge granting it and will more likely push them to agree what he wants.

Your sons thoughts and feelings would go through a CAFCASS social worker, he would not be present in court.

I would research CAO's so that when it goes to court, you are prepared. Your ex can self represent and a C100 application is £215 so not bank breaking for some. He can self represent, as can you.

The CAFCASS website has a lot of useful information to help you prepare.

Original poster
Hatsof · 26/07/2023 13:45

poormanspombears · 26/07/2023 12:34

I hate to be blunt but if you go to court with your current attitude you will not get what you want.
A pretty standard CAO is every other weekend, alternate holidays/birthdays/events and a midweek overnight or 2. If your ex can justify a case for 50/50 he may even be likely to get that.
None of the reasons you have cited will stop the judge granting it and will more likely push them to agree what he wants.

Your sons thoughts and feelings would go through a CAFCASS social worker, he would not be present in court.

I would research CAO's so that when it goes to court, you are prepared. Your ex can self represent and a C100 application is £215 so not bank breaking for some. He can self represent, as can you.

The CAFCASS website has a lot of useful information to help you prepare.

What are they likely to ask my son? I’m pretty sure he will just say he would rather be with me and he feels left out at his dads.

OP posts:
Reugny · 26/07/2023 13:49

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 13:45

What are they likely to ask my son? I’m pretty sure he will just say he would rather be with me and he feels left out at his dads.

Show quote history

Due to your son's age they won't speak to him.

However the CAFCASS officer may decide to speak to your child's school if s/he has any concerns about him.

Each case is individual and the only thing you can bank on is that unless you can show otherwise your previously hostility which is written down will be used against you.

(Oh and you may have a magistrate rather than a judge.)

HappyasLarrynot · 26/07/2023 13:51

If your son does say that then it will be because you’ve told him that he’s being left out/isn’t getting the attention YOU think he should have etc. You’re the absolute same as my DSD’s mum - it was all about what mum thought should be happening. Your son will get there in the end, realise what you’ve done and you’ll be the one to lose out. My DSD is starting to realise this - she is almost an adult now but she is beginning to see that she could have had the best of both worlds, not just her mum’s world.

ChiPawPrint · 26/07/2023 14:25

@Hatsof Your son may say he wants to be with you and not spend much time with his dad but that could very well go against you as the court may feel he is being influenced to not want to spend time with his father.

BudgetBuster · 26/07/2023 15:22

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 13:45

What are they likely to ask my son? I’m pretty sure he will just say he would rather be with me and he feels left out at his dads.

Show quote history

If you are pretty sure your son would say that, then you clearly aren't doing a good enough job promoting his relationship with his Father! Please, please get yourself some therapy or help.

Original poster
Hatsof · 26/07/2023 15:33

BudgetBuster · 26/07/2023 15:22

If you are pretty sure your son would say that, then you clearly aren't doing a good enough job promoting his relationship with his Father! Please, please get yourself some therapy or help.

Show quote history

the school had a professional talk to him at school cos the teacher said he had self harming behaviours and they said my son told them he feels left out at his dads and that he tells him off ect. So I can use that in court surely

OP posts:
ChiPawPrint · 26/07/2023 15:37

@Hatsof Even if he does feel left out, that wouldn't be a reason for the court to stop contact or reduce it with his dad. It wouldn't even be entertained as a reason I'm afraid.

poormanspombears · 26/07/2023 15:39

@Hatsof like the PP said, given that he's 7, they wouldn't speak to him but they should speak to both biological parents and get statements of any concerns/support about the other parent.

BudgetBuster · 26/07/2023 15:49

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 15:33

the school had a professional talk to him at school cos the teacher said he had self harming behaviours and they said my son told them he feels left out at his dads and that he tells him off ect. So I can use that in court surely

Show quote history

You are so obsessed with thinking you are correct, that you cannot see the damage YOU are causing your child. Why would you want to use your vendetta to the detriment of your child. What you should be doing is explaining to your 7 year old that he isn't an only child and that just because his Dad has a baby doesn't mean he's loved any less. You should be promoting more time at Dad's so your son doesn't feel left out. Hundreds of posters here are telling you how wrong you are and you are still hung up on your ex, it's damaging your kid. Your son will grow up to resent you.

ChiPawPrint · 26/07/2023 16:21

Why do you think your son is showing self harming behaviours?

noglow · 26/07/2023 16:23

Do you not tell your son off?

Original poster
Hatsof · 26/07/2023 16:53

His teacher says it’s cos he has low self esteem. Yes I tell him off but I have him a lot more than his dad he’s suppose to just have fun with him not tell him off

OP posts:
twigy100 · 26/07/2023 16:54

No it's his dad his job is to parent his son which includes telling him off if he needs to

noglow · 26/07/2023 16:56

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 16:53

His teacher says it’s cos he has low self esteem. Yes I tell him off but I have him a lot more than his dad he’s suppose to just have fun with him not tell him off

What.

You want him to be a "Disney Dad?" If he does something dangerous or that as a parent he doesnt think he should be doing you want him to ignore it?

Nah mate

ChiPawPrint · 26/07/2023 16:57

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 16:53

His teacher says it’s cos he has low self esteem. Yes I tell him off but I have him a lot more than his dad he’s suppose to just have fun with him not tell him off

He's his father, of course he has to discipline him if it is needed. He wouldn't be a good father if he didn't.

Teacher should probably not give that opinion due to their training not being in that field.

Reugny · 26/07/2023 16:58

Hatsof · 26/07/2023 16:53

His teacher says it’s cos he has low self esteem. Yes I tell him off but I have him a lot more than his dad he’s suppose to just have fun with him not tell him off

That's because you are screwing him up by telling your son that he is the centre of the world, then interogating him when he comes home from contact time with his dad.

Leave your son to have fun at his dad's with his siblings and stop interfering.

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