Ex and son

[Hatsof]

I thought this was the best place for this. I’m not a step parent but maybe this would get the best answers to how to deal with this.

ex and I split when our son was 2. The first year we were apart he had our son every weekend Fri-mon. After that year he met a woman, she had 3 kids already, I knew about her cos of social media. I wasn’t happy about it cos I knew this would mean less time for my son so I told ex that this new relationship better not affect my son. She didn’t meet my son for about 5 months, then my son comes back to me and tells me they all went to the beach together. Ex, gf and my son… I will admit I was fuming. He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok. I did message and call him to tell him I was not happy with this but he ignored it. This carries on then after they had been together 8 months ish my son was introduced to her children. Again, I wasn’t consulted about it. I told ex he was selfish for doing this as son is shy and wouldn’t like being around so many other children. Fast forward another 6 months and I find out via social media she’s pregnant and they are moving in together. He did tell me he would now be living with her, but not that she was pregnant! He didn’t have the courtesy of telling me before they announced it which I didn’t like at all. They told my son about the baby also without asking my input.

I did tell ex that if he did move in with the new baby and gf he wouldn’t be allowed to have our son there as it would be damaging for him. But he ignored this and did it anyway and of course I didn’t stop him seeing him but I admit I wanted to.

fast forward again there baby is now 2, and When talking to my son I get the feeling he is really feeling left out and I feel he doesn’t get the attention he did before and it’s not fair. The gf also sometimes looks after my son while ex works, I’ve also tried to stop this as I don’t think it’s right but again I was ignored. He just ignores any of my requests.

so that’s the background but now ex is saying he has a new job which means working weekends sometimes, so wants to have my son every other weekend Fri-mon, and 2 nights in the week on the weeks he won’t have him weekends. He said he can get him to school ect so that’s not the issue, my issue is he’s just being pushed out again! We’ve tried mediation cos I didn’t agree with this, I said needs to be weekends only. And the mediator took my side but he wouldn’t agree to keep things the same. So now as I’ve said no to this he said he will be applying to court. Surely the court won’t side with him on this?

sorry about the ramble but honestly I feel my son should be put first and he’s not and it’s eating me up. Any advice please?

The fact is you have no legal right to control who has access to your son on his father's time.

The alternative access proposal looks fairly typical. It is likely to be granted.

It's a bit unusual that your ex has your son Fri to Mon every week. I think it's reasonable for him to want to share weekday and weekend time more evenly between you. Does he pay maintenance?

Yes but only what the cms calculator online says he should. I have asked for more but he says he can’t afford right now but assume the new job is a higher wage so will ask about that.

i don’t want my son there during the week as that’s when the gfs other children are there, by the sounds of it her kids dad has them most weekends as my son said they are only there sometimes at weekends not all of them, but he already shares his dad with the baby and if the other 3 kids are there it’s even more of his attention shared!

You are under the impression you posses power that you in fact don't have. How utterly ridiculous you sounded over the meeting.

Also he doesn't like being around that many children? 3 kids? School must be the 7th circle of hell....

What distance is he away from you?

Of course court may consider week day contact.

You are out of order.

you have no right to tell him when to introduce his partner or her children.
it is nothing to do with you at all.

you had no right to know about the pregnancy before your son.

and you also cannot prevent weekday contact.

whilst you may not like it, you cannot control and dictate the relationship between your son and his father. He has just as much right as you to see him and decide when he can meet/see people.

Your ex doesn't need your permission to introduce people to his child, nor did he need to tell you about his partner's pregnancy before telling his son.

Your ex doesn't sound as though he is being unreasonable or being a bad father. So yes, I think the courts will agree with him.

We are 20 min drive apart. The school my son is in is a small school so not loads of kids and he’s super shy but obviously he has to go there. I don’t see why he should have to deal with more kids at his dads though when I feel it should be just the 2 of them spending quality time not with other kids about.

You need to let go a bit. The truth is your ex is entitled to move on with his life and introduce his son to whoever he sees fit. He waited a decent amount of time to introduce his new partner and her children. Whether you're comfortable with it or not is really irrelevant. He's done nothing wrong and you're coming across as a bit uptight, controlling and jealous. He does not need your approval to make decisions in his life.

To be honest, children who have new full biological siblings won't get the same attention they did before. That's just life. As long as he's still loved and cared for you really have no reason to complain.

I think your exs request to switch to EOWE and some time through the week is reasonable. Surely you'd like some time on the weekend to have fun with your son instead of just always being the school run parent? Your ex and his partner have a baby together, your son's sibling. Whether you like it or not her other children are part of his life now so I don't see the problem of them all being in the house together.

When you split up with your child's other parent you lose the ability to control every aspect of their life and you just need to trust that the person you chose to have a child with will look after them on their time.

You are separated and you both will meet people and move on. He has done that. You can't expect him not to live his life. Rather than being pedantic about the new gf and baby, you should be supporting your son with his relationship with his dad and new sibling. They are a blended family and your son being around other children is lovely. Dad needs to ensure some 1:1 time with your son but he can't ignore his partner, new child and stepchildren just because you don't like it.

Your child has the right to a relationship with his father, saying you wanted to stop contact is for your benefit to punish your ex as he's not doing what you want.

Court will give him two nights in the week. They could give him 50/50. You need think about this before you head to court.

Then he will almost definitely get mid week over night. He would have a good argument for 50/50

Because they're a family and your opinion means nothing.

Your ex sounds reasonable in his request. It also allows you weekend time with your child which will be valuable to you both.

You sound very resentful that he has moved on. While your concerns about your son may be valid he is part of a big family now and if you go into this with a positive mindset your son will gain so much from this. Siblings and joy.

He didn’t discuss it with me first or ask if it was ok you sound like you need to be in control. It will help if you let go of what happens at dad's. Unless there is real risk of harm you need to let them navigate that relationship themselves.

I understand you want to protect your son but you can't dictate what kind of dad your ex should be and you can't dictate how he parents your DS. How he chooses to be a father is now up to him and you can't demand that he spends 1 on1 quality time. It's just no longer your concern. In all of this you've not actually said how your son feels? He may really love this new sibling, he may not be resentful of sharing dad or he may be ... But then you need to encourage your son to have these conversations directly with his Dad and via you second guessing what you think is best for him.

It's a tough step but once you've split up, you don't unfortunately get to make these decisions (unless there's safeguarding issues etc)

Yeah, I absolutely understand you feeling sad about this and uncomfortable about not being given a heads up - I would too. But the ex doenst have to engage with arguments about your feelings about this - he is also his parent and I assume he has legal rights ie is on the birth certificate . You can't control
What happens on 'his' time unless there is abuse or bullying happening to your child by the new gf or her kids or the father, which is doesn't sound like there is, it's up to him to judge how to spend that time and who with. I think waiting 5months was appropriate until he knew him and new gf were serious. I also think it's good he's looking for new work and I would support his request if you can, it's not just so that him and gf can be child free at weekend (although that would be ok for them
To want) but so he can work to provide for his kids - if you insist on keeping arrangements as they are then there's a risk your son will just be babysat by gf when dads at work. You've said you don't want this, so why not enjoy some
Time with your boy on the weekends?

You seem jealous on behalf of your son that he's not getting as much attention, but this happens of course when there's a new baby. The dad still seems dedicated to build a relationship. I wonder if you are also feeling left out and jealous yourself - are you still single (likely as Dating is very hard as a mum) You understandably seem very jealous and upset about the situation- I absolutely get it I will do too when my ex meets someone special I will cry and hate it- but your feelings about this shouldn't impact parenting arrangements. You need to speak with a counsellor to process this break up and work out how you can look after yourself and your emotions.

The other thing is the cms calculator - if you're doing four nights and he's doing three I wouldn't expect him to be paying much as it's more like shared custody.

You are so unreasonable and it’s exactly this sort of behaviour that really shocks me as a single mum.

Lets get this clear - you do not own your son or have any more rights to him than his dad - nor do you get to dictate what he does with him on his time.

I think it’s a great thing for him to spend time with 3 other children, it will help him with his shyness and will probably be really fun for him.

You need to literally butt out of exes life, and focus on only the time you have with your son.

You sound so bitter and jealous, and you’re clearing dragging your son into this - do you not care about what you’re doing to your son?

Id get some counselling or professional help asap as you need to move on from your ex.

You aren't doing yourself or your son any favours by getting so uptight or trying to control things that happen when he's with his dad.

I don't understand why EOW wouldn't work. If your son is at school during the week, and your ex's the whole weekend, when do you have quality time with him? You only have him Mon-Thurs late afternoon and evening? Why would you not want weekend time with him? This sounds too strange to be true.

Just to reiterate- it's ok to be sad and upset about the situation but it's not ok to let that impact the parenting plan.

I would also recommend using a mediator to try and make a parenting plan before going to court it will be much less stressful and cheaper for both of you and therefore better for your son who must have some notion of the tension

Really sorry but you're probably going to get a bit savaged on here. The things you've said so far in terms of how you've acted seem highly unreasonable but sadly typical of what step mums and husbands who move on hear from their ex. Try to think 'how could my ex move on, be happy and create a happy new blended family for your son to be a part of, if he did as you said? If the answer is that he would find that hard or that you struggle to imagine this scenario, then you're in the wrong. This page and countless step parents support groups are full of posts about the distress caused by receiving messages just like you're describing when they're trying to move on. Kids get step families all the time and of course they don't get to be the most important person in the room any more but do you really want your child to grow up thinking they should be the centre of attention to the exclusion of other family members? Or learn to share sibling and parental love and attention and have a bonus parent to care for them also?

Also it's not just 'other kids' at his dads it's your sons half baby brother or sister - a wonderful thing for him to have, a little friend for life and someone to love him into old age when you and your ex are both long gone.

I honestly tbink you'd feel so much better if you can process your feelings with a counsellor and also maybe try to do some dating and meet someone nice yourself - you have free nights to do this

Try and see the girlfriend as an extra person to love your son.

Honestly, you sound like the ex from hell. And none of it really sounds like it’s about your son at all - it’s driven by how you feel.

Stop trying to control everything.

is it that you’re upset that you’re going to lose your child free weekends? Because EOW Friday to Monday plus two nights in the week in between is a pretty standard contact pattern.

I don’t believe the mediator ‘took your side’. They don’t do that.

It sounds like there is a correlation between your sons shyness and your failure to let him socialise around other kids. Poor DC

Do you work weekends?

No I don’t. I work mon-fri.

EOW is a common contact routine.
Do you work on weekdays? Once your son is at school weekends will be the only quality time that you get. This is quality time where you get to chill or go away for the weekend to see your side of the family.
You need to let go of the idea that he should ask you about the changes in his life. You are not together so legally he can do whatever. If she's on the sex offender's register then go to court but dads have as much power as you so he can decide who spends time with his son. His sibling lives at dad's house and maybe playing with other children there will help his confidence as it's the same kids each time ? You were very unreasonable to assume that contact would be just dad and son each time. Meeting people is a good way for kids to improve social confidence as they observe and have interactions that make it easier over time.
The reality with going to court is dad says when he'd like the child then if inconvenient (say mum works so can't drop off kid at that time) then they renegotiate. Your ex could get up to 50% contact and his request is very reasonable. Do you work at weekends too?