My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

[Mum20222]

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

Please read all the replies again. He’s never had children of his own, but he wants to tell you how to parent your child. He doesn’t love your child, but just wants to discipline him. He suggests that your child will get between you and him to get his own way. The message was bossy, patronising and manipulative.
This is not a man who should be living with children.

The message is awful. Don’t marry him

No. Just no. If you marry you’re stuck. Don’t.

@Mum20222 how are you feeling now? What are your thoughts?

Also, considering cost of living it's possible that you'll have a 21yr old graduate son needing to move back into the family home full time along with your 14yr old. So much testosterone.....

no. no. no. no. no.
and just to be clear,
no.
do not marry him.
marry in haste, repent at leisure.
except there won't be any leisure, just increasing tension, upset, gaslighting, driving you round the bend and probably alienating you from your children.
but hey, you'll be respectably married, so that's the main thing.
actually that's another thing.
if the nikkah is not legally valid here, you are making yourself extra vulnerable.
why would you do this.
marry someone who is suitable, after due consideration, or not at all.
and make sure it's legally valid.
no registrar, no go.

You barely know him.

Your poor boys.

Their mother bringing a bullying man she barely knows into their lives.

May God forgive you your absolute selfishly in doing this.

No doubt if you marry this awful man your sons childhood will be ruined.

Your gut is warning you not to marry this awful man.

Your poor sons.

That message is plainly stating that he will bully, discipline and abuse your son.

Utterly shameful of you to consider bringing this vile man into your poor son's life.

You clearly don't know this childless know all bully.

If you marry him you will be a very desperate woman who cared nothing for her children.

Remember that, this man will destroy his childhood.

It’s incredibly rare to see almost universal consensus on this board @Mum20222

I think the posts from @magma33 , @Saschka and @TerrorAustralis are particularly helpful.

But more importantly, it sounds like your own instincts are telling you everything you need to know. 18 months is too fast, regardless of any need for respectability in your community.

I have a feeling if you postpone the wedding, you will see even more of his true colours. Don’t be afraid to call it off and put your boys first.

I wish she'd come back to this thread and give her thoughts.

Can't lie I keep thinking her wedding is on countdown and what's she's planning to do about it..

I wish she would come back too. Unfortunately, I don't think she will.

I did want to check that you also knew that when he moves in it will have an impact on your older child's student loan as it is the household income that is taken into account too.

Even without that added issue please don't marry this man.

I would not marry a man who felt like that about my 11 year old. I would not live with him..The tone of the text is very authoritarian..Seems to want to start in a place a trusted step parent might be in after a good few years together. Also a man who can't understand that a child has no autonomy to get out of a classroom on time has no idea of the realities of childhood. I would imagine my child getting nervous sitting in a classroom that he would be in trouble with his step dad for something he couldn't help. Your son will be making massive adjustments himself with a new man in the house and he won't have the support of big brother who will be away at uni. This man sounds way ott. You would be loved up, big brother away and a man coming in who seems to want control. I would back off for now. Make it clear that he will have to go softly softly and that you are in charge of your son. No patent is perfect and no child is. If he is happy and you don't have problems in school ect you are good enough and so is your son. 💐

So what did you decide op?

@Mum20222 Please do not get married to this man

I'm sorry but I don't think you should subject your son's to this man. He sounds as though he doesn't understand children at all. That message just made it even worse. He sounds extremely controlling, He is basically blaming your child for trying to come between you. It sounds as though his default will always be to think the worst.
Don't marry him yet. Stay with him if you want to but take it much more slowly , I think he will make your sons unhappy

This sounds like a man who feels he is superior to you and feels it's his right to instruct you and, ultimately, your children, although he's had no direct experience of having children himself.

My fear however, is that you will go ahead and marry him because you don't feel able to rock the boat by pulling out of the marriage now (although you absolutely should).

Also you mention he's moving into your place - what else, apart from his opinions about your children and how you relate to/manage them eg does he own his own home? 🌹

I think we know

If she goes ahead it will sadly be another case of 'c@ck before kids', a rather disturbing and horrible phrase but apt when it comes to women that know their man doesn't like their child/children and their child/children are at risk of emotional abuse and or physical harm but put their needs of wanting a romantic/sexual partner over and above the welfare of their child/children.

I really hope the op hasn't come back as she's been busy seeing sense and cutting ties with this man and stopping the wedding event.

OP hasn't come back, presume she didn't get the response she was hoping for. I'm sure she'll have a nice wedding on Saturday. I also hope she's not in the news a bit further down the line. I despair when women, mothers, have to ask whether this sort of behaviour in men is normal. It's beyond my understanding.

Nasty post @TheFormidableMrsC

How on Earth is it nasty? How many times do you see situations like this end badly? I speak as a parent whose ex husband married a woman who was abusive towards our child. HE MARRIED HER despite knowing what she was doing, despite the court making her subject to a
Prohibited Steps Order that stated she was not to have any sort of contact with our child. He cared about his cock over and above his child. So this is a subject I feel very strongly about and qualified to comment on. Not nasty at all. Just factual.

I don't think @TheFormidableMrsC's post is nasty, but it is direct. And perhaps what OP needs to hear. I doubt she'll be back, I'm sure the wedding is going ahead..... ah well, nothing to be done now.

Is telling the truth nasty now? This man's shown himself to be controlling and abusive before he's even trapped her in marriage (one that doesn't even have any legal standing). He's got "gaslighting misogynist who dislikes her child as well" written all over him, and I wouldn't put a penny on her or her son's future holding anything but fear and physical threat while this man is in their lives.

Agree