My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

[Mum20222]

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

Hi OP. I don’t know if you are still here but I have being lying awake half the night worrying about your 11 year old son and you.

Everyone one else has said it but please don’t put a little boy in this position. We expect a lot of our adolescent boys but they have a lot of emotional and mental development still to do. Imagine if we were talking about an 11 year old girl, and how vulnerable they would be.

You are the centre of your son’s world, his big brother is about to go to university, it sounds like his dad is mostly away, he needs his mum. He needs to know that you are always on his side, no matter what. Please don’t let this man whom you have only know for 18 months come between you.

However, I’m worried that 6 days out you are going to go ahead and do it anyway.

I really hope you think carefully about what has been said here and call it off but if your fiancé is going to stay in your life, please, for your son’s sake, book some Family counselling with Relate for all 4 of you and insist your fiancé does a positive parenting course. He won’t want to, but do it together so you can discuss what comes up. Please don’t leave your son alone with him until your fiancé has done the course. You might not want to spend the money but nothing is more important that your son’s well-being.

Make an urgent appointment for you and your son’s school counsellor before term ends so they know what’s going on and your son has somewhere to go and someone to talk to when things get difficult next term. You don’t say if he’s in Year 6 or 7 but if he’s moving school in September then he’s going to have even more to cope with, with his brother leaving home and his mum moving a new man in.

Please confide your concerns in your family and friends so they are ready to support you all through this when it gets difficult. Does your son have a good relationship with his grandparents, godparent or an aunty/uncle he can rely on?

Spend 10/15 mins with your son everyday, just the two of you doing something of his choice, and one evening per week, and one day per month, so he knows he can confide in you. Go for walks, or talk in the car side by side so it’s less awkward or confrontational.

Make sure your sons spend lots of 1:1 time together before your elder son goes to university. They are going to need each other. As an elder sibling who left a younger sibling in a difficult domestic situation when I went to uni, I still feel bad, but probably not as bad as he feels having lived through it.

I hope you’re ok.

OP, if you are confused about what his text message is saying about him, imagine how much worse that will be when you are living together/married and he becomes even more insistent about the way you do things and parent your own child. It’s a massive risk you are taking to ignore this and to go forward as planned.

Because of all the moving work arrangements he has already made, I know it will be incredibly difficult to postpone the ceremony.
In my opinion, that is exactly what you should do ….today, based on that text message. You should not be made to feel guilty about postponing.

He has no right to dictate to you how you parent your own boy. Suddenly parenting your son differently just because your new partner demands so, will have a terrible, negative, life-lasting impact on your son’s well-being. His demands will make you even more confused and will erode your self esteem so that you eventually find that you and your son have become victims of his bullying, manipulative personality. Please don’t let it get to that.

Listen to your instincts. With only a week to go, this postponement is best sorted today. Tell him that this is just too important an issue to ignore and you need (a lot more) time so you have decided to postpone.

He had no right to question your parenting style. But it’s too late now, as he has already done so. He’s given you a tiny taster of what he will dish up after next week when he moves in.
Tell him, today, thanks for the text advice but no thank you, you will never allow anyone, not even him, to question you on your parenting style and decisions. You now realise how big an issue this is to overcome so you are postponing.
Have courage OP. Good luck.

You don't know what is wrong with his message ?

He's telling you quite clearly when he moves in he will be disciplining your child . He is telling you it is going to be him/you against your son.

He is telling you he is going to abuse your son to get him into 'line' .

Bottom line is in your desperation to be in a relationship ( possibly to appease the community/ family you live in) you will have a nikkah ceremony to make you more acceptable to the community you live in ... you are willing to marry someone who is going to discipline your child harshly and you will be expected to be on his side with this ( he's already talking about your child as coming between you and him ) .

This is not a good man. You are marrying a man who is an abuser and is telling you . We see these stories in the news all the time ... women moving men into their homes and their children being abused / beaten / killed .

I don’t feel he respects me but hopefully he will but I need to do it my way.

No. Just no. Definitely don't move him into your son's home or marry him.

He will feel he automatically get more control over your kids as soon as you are living together.

Huge red flag. Don't prioritise a man's wants over your child's need for good parenting. Don't marry him and don't move him into your home. You can still pursue a relationship if you want, but don't let him start controlling you or your child.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of concerns, OP.
Please cancel the wedding. Your sons should come first.

That phrase alone makes him sound like an overbearing bully. Getting Mr Murdstone vibes off this man, OP.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Murdstone

I don't agree with the comments. I don't find that text particularly problematic and it does seem common on here for parents to be defensive about any perceived criticism, so I think there's a strong chance he's got a point there. I would also think my partner was taking the piss if they expected me to help with parenting (such as school pick ups) but wanted only "positive support" from me. I'd either expect the same freedom as a parent, which includes chipping in when I think the behaviour was bad, or to not be expected to act like a parent at all.

I don't really see where people are drawing the massively negative conclusion they are about him.

That said, it would be foolish to marry him when you haven't yet ironed this out and come to an agreement.

Parents are rightly "defensive about perceived criticism" because their children's happiness is at stake.
Parents are necessarily their children's advocates.

Also, @aSofaNearYou people's views on whether or not a child's behavior is "bad" vary widely, and that is where the difficulties arise.

@TheShellBeach I don't think it's reasonable to expect a step parent to live with your children full time, and help you with the practical side of parenting, unless you're going to give their opinion equal weight. You can't have it both ways, if you want your word to be all that matters and for them to keep their mouth shut - which can be a valid approach - you shouldn't expect them to do the heavy lifting.

Don't do it. The damage my ex husband's vile girlfriend did to my son will never be repaired. You bring people into your children's lives and you are risking their welfare, especially this soon. It's been 18 months. Far far too soon to be considering this sort of commitment. He sounds like a controlling bully and this will only get worse. Put your son first.

Look even if the guy is entitled to his parenting opinions, what's the rush ?

I married DH after 18 months but we had no DC and spent a lot of time together, including living together for a number of months.

It sounds like it's all moving too fast for everyone. Be the grown up for your DCs sake and call a halt to the wedding.

I agree with all of this.

Been a step-parent is bloody hard sometimes when you love your step-children. If you don't even like them it's impossible to do it without harming the child.

I think your instincts are correct and he doesn't actually like your boys. You say you took time in introducing him to them but then you've said you've only been together with 18 months? That's a really quick get together, engagement etc. you've not had much time to see how he will treat your boys. It doesn't sound as if he has much patience for them. I would reconsider your wedding. Considering you have children I would say another 5 years when they are adults would have been more appropriate

OP
What happened with their father?
It seems like you ( like so many of us) really wants the dream: mum and dad are a tight, loving unit, who raise their children with love and intention.

But that is impossible. You and your children are now the unit, and anyone that comes in needs be welcomed in ( or not) on the basis of whether or not they will add benefit to you and your kids.

This man is taking advantage of your dream of having that ideal family unit. He’s using manipulative language - pretending that he wants you both to be that loving parental unit.

I appreciate you may feel a bit desperate to couple up but please just stop do what is right for your child.

By the way- what is the behaviour he finds so bad?

The message is trying to pretend he's not criticising you , but he is.

I think your younger son is in for a hard time with him as a stepfather.
He's not a parent, he simply can't tell you how to parent your child , but that is his intention.

Obviously the step parents should have a say but if their parenting styles are opposite it could be an indication that the match is no a good match.

We should also expect emotional maturity from those that will have so much power over our children.

The life of this 11 year old is changing almost overnight, he is starting or has just finished the first year in secondary school, his brother moving to uni and his mother getting married and all the prospective step dad is thinking about is discipline and almost non existing bad behaviour.
Discipline is not how I go about parenting but I understand people are different. However, moving straight to discipline before gaining trust and respect if not love is a huge red flag.

Ooh, yikes, you definitely don't know enough about this guy to marry him, OP. What's the financial situation in terms of what assets/earnings you're both bringing? Are you taking any risks by marrying him?

@MagnificentDelurker Totally agree with all of that! If they have vastly different opinions on parenting and discipline they won't be compatible, I just disagree that it's right to expect him not to be involved, unless you're also expecting no help from him.

@Mum20222 I wish you would come back to the thread, now you've had a chance to sleep on it.

“ If he thinks he can get in between us for his advantage, he probably will. Common kiddy tactics.“

This is awful. He’s accusing your child of using “tactics” as though the child is a scheming adult. And he really does sound pompous, bossy and patronising.

He wants you but doesn’t like your kids and wants to insist on you parenting his way. Unless you submit to his wishes your marriage will be full of conflict and tension. He is tolerating rather than welcoming your children. He wants a life with you, but he wants your children to have as little impact on that life as possible. That’s not how being a parent or step parent works.

As PPs have said, put your child first. In marrying this man and accepting his terms, you’d be putting your child second.