My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

[Mum20222]

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

I can't believe you are rushing into marriage with an asshole who dislikes your children. Despicable!!

Your love life is not the priority. Do better.

These women always prioritize having a "man" over taking care of their own children.

To be fair, it would have been a helluva ballsy move to call off the wedding without a really obvious reason. Easy for us to say, but harder when you've already spent the money and all your friends and family are wanting to know what's got into you. "A bunch of strangers on the Internet didn't like the sound of a text he sent me".

Let's hope we're wrong about him.

Not really when it involves the welfare of your kids.

I think this is one of the saddest threads I've ever read here.

OP is sleepwalking into this situation. Her 11 year olds life will be ruined.

I don't even think it's for love or sex, it sounds like it's for respectability. She spent so many years raising them solo, it's horrible to think about.

I wonder if it is about sex, given OP has said they can't (and presumably haven't) cohabited without this ceremony? At any rate this man sounds like he'll be the worst sort of cocklodger.

Why do you have to get married?!

Because they can't live together otherwise. Muslim the OP said. The fact that he said that he would be laying down the law because it was "common kiddy tactics" to get between them should have been enough to send OP running for the hills. Maybe it has 🤷🏻‍♀️. Let's hope so for the children's sake.

@rookiemere I agree, reading her posts this is not a women putting love or c* first.

It's more about respectability and doing things 'properly' in her culture/religion.

I resent that and feel sorry for people who feel they have to conform to such rules. They don't make sense at all and lead to so many bad decisions.

Reminds me to a degree of the generations of children in the 60s and 70s automatically put up for adoption just because the parents weren't married and the girl was 19?

Or people rushing marriage just because their expecting a baby?

Make it make sense!

i come from the same culture and know all about the pressure and social conditioning to be married etc but western women also go through pressures to cause them to put up with bs partners too so we can’t excuse one and not the other. Op is in a better position compared to a first time married girl because she is divorced and has children, she’s not living with her parents and won’t be or should not be influenced as much by the ‘community’ she’s done things the cultural way the first time and it didn’t work out, she doesn’t owe anyone to do it that way again, I know many women in her position and they marry men from different cultures or move in until much later or not at all. She has already dealt with the ‘stigma’ of divorce so this should have toughened her up and made her wiser to not accept the cultural crap, whilst she may feel some pressure to wed again this does not mean anyone is actually forcing her. The community tends to back off single mothers anyway it’s more OP’s own insecurities. By the time your child is 18 the woman should have got used to putting her kids first and advocating for them, the older you get the more confident you become to be able to spot red flags which op is doing but she needs to act on them otherwise she will be back to square one with a rubbish marriage but worse this time as she’s got her boys welfare to think about. So I don’t think we can say oh well it’s not her fault they’re making her.

No one is making her do anything.

She never mentioned about being forced.

She's saying they can't live together unless they have this ceremony.

That's bending to a cultural/religious expectation.

She's questioning whether to do this because alarm bells are screaming at her. He doesn't like her son that is clear. Maybe I can grow to love him?

Maybe I can grow to love him but potentially going ahead with a ceremony to make their union/living together acceptable? To who?

The pressure is still coming from a cultural or religious expectation. Whether people in her life are encouraging/pressurising this or not. It seems to be an internalised expectation she is struggling to go against.

Nobody has to be forcing her. The internal pressure to conform is enough.

Yes yes that’s what I meant, it’s not external, it’s her own life philosophy be it religion or her friends group or the way she’s been brought up with or without religion, just because for white western women it’s a different type of pressure that’s causing them to conform doesn’t make it ok to put man above kids either way. The western women that put up with abusers, I’m sure they have had a shit time growing up or some life experience that has caused them to put up with abusers as partners, or some type of belief theyve grown up with that tells them any man is better than no man but we don’t really look at that we just expect them to be rise above it. It’s irrelevant she’s a grown woman with her own money and house, she’s not vulnerable like she may have been the first time to adhere to her or her family’s religious beliefs. The muslim women I know that have been treated like shit because they ‘did as the religion/culture told them to’ have widened up and do not go back for seconds unless they are majorly being coerced or because they never left the trappings of the community (ie external pressure) which is rare nowadays as people move away and especially as the community focus on the good little never married malleable girls not the divorced single mothers who abusive men tend stay clear of as they know they’ve learned a thing or two. Those women still do the religion/cultural thing but they do it on their own terms and won’t put themselves or their kids at a disadvantage. But somehow this man has spotted a weakness in op and is going with it. Like I said in my pp she is not religiously obliged to move the man in, the religious ceremony simply ‘legitimises’ the union, a lot of younger generation Muslims use that as an opportunity for dating, and then do the civil legal marriage once they feel ready for commit properly. the ones who rush tend to due to external pressures. If there are any external pressures it will most likely be from this man so he can get his feet under the table asap.

It was today wasn’t it?
Im really hoping op didn’t go through with it.

Same.

She probably did though.

I hope there is still an out for her.

Doubt she'll be back here..

There was quite a Freudian slip in his message. He said he'd never want to yield the stick. I think he meant to say wield.

I think he started this behaviour now simply because he thought you wouldn't call off the ceremony at the last moment. I feel so sorry for your 11 year old.

'The important thing is we are a united front. If he thinks he can get in between us for his advantage, he probably will. Common kiddy tactics.'

Why is he thinking like this?

'I don’t feel he respects me but hopefully he will but I need to do it my way.'

His way? Only his way....

This has reminded me of an episode of Wife Swap where the step dad felt the need to "do it his way" and thought he came across as very compassionate and reasonable by wanting to offer carrots (although he never did, because the dc's behaviour never met his standards, and they were good kids) and it took the mum to have time out of the house to realize he was so controlling and her teen dc were actually really unhappy 😢
He had implemented the most bizarre rules for teens and was constantly checking they were being adhered to, in order to "put down boundaries as dc need them" such as TV off at 8pm and he'd come into their bedrooms to feel the sides of the TV to check if it was still warm etc. He was constantly finding fault with them and critisizing the way his wife dealt with them.
His "new" wife was a very loud, brash laid back parent and she tore into him (and the wife on meet up day) about how the dc were constantly walking around on eggshells trying to please him, but it was never good enough.

I know this is a zombie thread, but I remember reading it and it being one of the saddest threads I had ever seen.

The fact OP didn't return suggests that she married the ghastly man and her poor 11 year old DS will be living a horrible life.

I agree. I think she went ahead with it

I often think of the op and wonder how things are.

He will come between you and your sons. He is very judge mental and patronizing to you. I am so sorry. I think he is bad news.