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Original poster

My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

246 replies

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

OP posts:
Jellyx · 08/07/2023 23:00

I think you should have sat down and discussed parenting and children before getting engaged.
Check he is committed to spending time working on this before you get married

Whattodo112222 · 08/07/2023 23:00

He sounds like a bully. I wouldn't be surprised if he went onto abuse your son in the future once his feet are firmly under the table

Original poster
Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:00

They see him as ‘nice’ - he’s not a kid-person but has been kind to them overall. I get to hear about my lack of consistent disciplining though.
was glad the boys like him and hoped it would develop into a good bond but not sure now. I know he’s nervous about the new role too.

OP posts:
WaitingForNothingGood · 08/07/2023 23:00

It's hard to imagine this is true but you see things like this on Mumsnet often enough...

I can't think how to say this politely but what on earth are you thinking!!!

It would be really reckless and selfish to marry him. Even if he wasn't a dick you would be foolish to marry someone so quickly.

Is there a reason you are rushing to marry him? Is there a housing or money issue?

That text is awful. He sounds a complete knob. So what if he is lovely otherwise - disagreeing about parenting is massive.

Mabmabdwarf · 08/07/2023 23:00

God, his message.
He sounds terrible.

icanflytoday · 08/07/2023 23:00

He thinks knowing you for 18 months gives him the right to parent your son as if he's a pet dog. It really doesn't OP.

I really hope you realise how awful that message is.

Please, please don't marry him.

LavanderSmellsLovely · 08/07/2023 23:01

Do they see their own father?

junebirthdaygirl · 08/07/2023 23:01

He has no experience of living with children. All his knowledge is in his head. He sounds far too strict and over invested in discipline. I would worry this will only get worse when they live together as an 11 year old has nothing on a 14 year old!! As for getting impatient with your ds coming out of school...that's all part of parenting and he very obviously hasn't a clue.

Original poster
Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:02

Very rarely - lives in another country.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/07/2023 23:02

Omg that message alone would have me running for the hills, it's just hideous.

Please do not marry him.

He does not like your son, he is telling you exactly who he is and you really need to listen and put your ds first.

Original poster
Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:03

Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now

OP posts:
LavanderSmellsLovely · 08/07/2023 23:04

The fact that you met him, got engaged and are getting married within 18 months.
He does not have a positive mind set towards your children.
He is critical of your parenting.

feellikeanalien · 08/07/2023 23:04

So this is a man who has never had children of his own and has known your kids for less than 18 months and is trying to lay down how you should parent them.

I really don't see this ending well OP.

DinaofCloud9 · 08/07/2023 23:05

18 months and he thinks he can talk about them like that to their mother? Tell him to get to fuck. Cheeky arrogant bugger.

BlastedSkreet · 08/07/2023 23:05

He doesn’t like your son
He wants you to put him and his ideas ahead of your son’s wellbeing
He sounds manipulative and unpleasant
Despite no parenting experience he is telling you that you are doing it wrong
When you are married he will feel entitled to bully your kids.

WHY do people do this to their children? I’m at a complete loss ☹️

Jongleterre · 08/07/2023 23:06

I agree with many of the above.

18 months is a very short time to meet, date, get to know and introduce to your children and family.

A man that is already jealous of your child before he has a foot in the door is going to cause a whole lot of tears when you're all under the same roof and tied to him by marriage.

Listen to him, he is jealous of your child, feels distain for your child and despite having no children of his own is telling you how to be a parent!

It's not to late to say that you have cold feet and your children MUST always come first.

thisisasurvivor · 08/07/2023 23:07

Geppili · 08/07/2023 22:48

Just call it off. He has only been around 18 months. He knows nothing. This is a big red flag. Just cancel. Don't worry about money/friends etc.

Yes 100 per cent

You do not need this

Sorry you have been put in this position

Jongleterre · 08/07/2023 23:08

Good grief! I've just read the message he sent you!

What an obnoxious little toad of a man.

Please get rid. You deserve so much better than that thing.

calmcoco · 08/07/2023 23:08

He's a very long way over the line. He has never parented so knows fuck all, but is lecturing you. His tone in the message is very patronising.

I think you should listen to your gut and put your kids first.

MajorDanger · 08/07/2023 23:09

I don’t feel he respects me but hopefully he will but I need to do it my way.

”his way”. This fills me with terror for your son.
I was a 14 year old when my DM got a new partner. ‘His way’ was definitely not child friendly. I’m now 50 and his way has had a lasting effect on me and my younger sibling, even though they split up decades ago.

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 08/07/2023 23:09

What's the rush to marry?

Why don't you just live separately and date for a while?

OutDamnedSpot · 08/07/2023 23:10

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:03

Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now

The very short/fast time frame. The lack of communication/agreement about parenting.

Original poster
Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:14

It’s going to be a nikkah, not legally binding in this country. But still have friends and family attending, because I’m Muslim we can’t live together without this ceremony. He’s moved his work to my city already so it’s been difficult for him to commute over the past few months.

OP posts:
SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 08/07/2023 23:14

To clarify, my fiancé also has never had children. We've known each other five years and he's spent that time getting to know them, finding out who they are and how they tick, how I make things work and how he can bring his own personality in (he's much calmer and quieter than me) whilst working towards a harmonious household and building relationships for a solid foundation for the rest of our lives.

Your new fella sounds... presumptuous to say the least. He seems to have very strong ideas about parenting given that he has zero experience and should probably do some more observation work before deciding to pull in a different direction. It doesn't sound as if he's genuinely interested in their character or welfare and that would be a flat no from me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 23:14

You don’t currently live together? So this is him on best behaviour and you already know things are tense? You’re mad as a box of frogs to marry someone you’ve never lived with. More so if he’s never lived with kids, presuming he hasn’t.

Why are you rushing to marry him? Is he in need of a home?

I mean you say you can’t see what everyone’s worrying about but you’re the one who was concerned enough to write a post about it.

Don't marry him. Obviously.