My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

[Mum20222]

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

Do not put your own needs above that of your children.
How you could contemplate marrying someone who doesn’t really like your kids is beyond me.

Have you got more financial assets than him, do you own your home, have savings?

can you afford to give him half when you inevitably divorce ?

marriage is a financial and legal issue, so only makes sense if the monetary benefits are better for you.

The fact that you don't know shows me that you should NOT get married yet

Take time, don't rush, put your children first....... always

Your kids are going to be a source of conflict and with an 11 yrs old it'll be a long time before he moves home . I'd think very carefully about marriage tbh

Oh OP please don't marry him.

You've done an amazing job on your own with an 11 year old and 18 year old . You don't live with this guy properly I don't think and you've only been together 18 months. You aren't sticking up for your DCs when this guy is getting angry because your DS was late getting out from school and it wasn't even his fault.

I understand it will be embarrassing to cancel a wedding, but far better that than expose your poor 11 year old to this man until he leaves home ( as soon as he can probably).

Rip the plaster off and cancel it today. It doesn't mean you need to break up, but the only way you can continue to have a relationship with this man is by doing it the way you are today - no commitment and no parenting role.

Imagine if you had a daughter and she said to you that shed going to marry a man shes only known for 18 months, has never lived with him and wants your grandson to not get between the two of them so he has decided how your grandson will now behave and be parented.

No he’s not. He is undermining you, your confidence, your identity and ruining your relationship with your children. So no he has a front - marry him and you will regret it big time. His email is belittling and a true narc type email. He is saying he WILL do it his way and you will have to agree.

the head will catch up, emotions are powerful as are bonds - but I promise you don’t marry him. You will be back on here in a year asking for advice but with a 13/14 that dislikes you.

kids run late. School finishes at 3.30 so he’s expecting him to teleport and arrive at the car at 3.30. I can count on one hand the number of times I leave work on him, or my children appear within 5 mins of finished. They need to pack up, leave the site, maybe nip to the loo etc 15 minutes is the norm

You credit his bad behaviour to your perceived shortcomings.

Holy cow😱 If nothing else, this one single sentence should make you run for the hills OP.

Imagine if you had a daughter and she said to you that shed going to marry a man shes only known for 18 months, has never lived with him and wants your grandson to not get between the two of them so he has decided how your grandson will now behave and be parented.

Nicely put 👍

Oh my. That bit about presenting a united front... He's not taking about him following your lead there is he?!

'you must do this my way or it will all fail'

Please don't marry him.

This is a typical step-family dilemma really. There are threads and threads on here by unhappy women who are expected to do practical things for their stepchildren (e.g. pick them from school) but aren't allowed to have any opinion on the children's behaviour or have any say on disciplining them. It is incredibly frustrating and could have been avoided if a proper conversation about expectations had occurred before moving in together.

He had to wait 20 minutes and he's moaning. Jesus, do not legally bind yourself to this man child. Please. it won't go well.

What I'm seeing in the message is that you think you and your sons are a unit that this man is joining. I hink most mothers would see it that way.

He thinks you and he are the unit that your sons can be around, conditional on their behaviour and subject to control on his terms.

I don't really see why so many posters are suggesting that you live with him. That sens like the worst of all worlds - cutting you and your boys off from the support of your community while giving him full presence in your household.

Im sorry but in the circumstances I don't think this relationship has a future. I would at most date him without involving the kids but your son is 11 - even that is tough on him.

This. He strikes me as a likely parasite as well as all the other red flags. "What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own" sort of thing.

Absolutely this. Do not marry him.

Your son is not using “kiddy tactics” to get between you and your DP. He is an 11 year old, who in the space of two years has seen his mum get a boyfriend, who is going to get married and move in and “parent” him, who hardly sees his own dad because he has other priorities, and whose big brother will be leaving home soon.

That’s a lot to deal with and 11 isn’t really all that old (though old enough that the teen years are coming at you fast!). Whoever is parenting him should empathise and try to help/understand. That doesn’t mean that he gets to do whatever he wants and gets away with bad behaviour, but it is all rather more complicated than “worst appalling bad behaviour” and “carrot and stick” isn’t it??? I wouldn’t bring someone into home
who saw things in terms of control, carrot and stick, united fronts, etc.

Why are you / were you planning to marry him so quickly? 18 months of knowing is absolutely no time to commit to the rest of your life with them. Seems bonkers. Also not enough time to 'introduce slowly'

He's going to nag at you and your child and make you miserable, plus cause untold damage to the child, don't marry him.

Sadly not that transparent, lots of women fall for these men.

If he’s already moved his job to your city he needs to rent himself a small flat so you can carry on dating . He hasn’t a clue about parenting and his message is all about ’respecting your elders ,especially the men’ type of stuff. If you really like him then date him, but keep him out of your house.
He sounds like he can’t wait for you to be doing his laundry and cooking and will resent not being the centre of your attention at all times. People who have not had children rarely understand how their needs to not come first automatically every single time.

Why is he so keen to marry me if he doesn’t like my children and/or my parenting?

@Mum20222 Because he thinks he can change the way you parent once his feet are under the table. He's currently just biding his time.

And he gets to move into OPs house so saves money and he gets access to her finances as well.

Not only he has no parenting experience but he doesn’t know your son.

He also sees discipline as the main function of a parent. Setting boundaries and teaching children how to be considerate humans is part of parenting, mostly done by us being lovely considerate humans ourselves. But our main point as parents is to love our children and discipline whether stick or carrets should a very small part of our parenting.

I parent my two children differently because they are different and have different needs.

How dare this man come to your life and without knowing your children go straight to disciplining them. Before he gets the right to discipline he has to earn it through loving them.

Please don’t marry him, his metaphor of sticks and carrots is awful and normally used in how you deal with adversial entities or people and is very telling that he has used it to describe his actions towards your son.

Children first. You should not be marrying. Red flags are raised. Be brave and cancel.

I haven’t read the whole thread.

18 months and you don’t live together? If you want to stay with him I would suggest taking things slowly and move in before you get married (putting appropriate financial securities in place first). The you can see what he is like living with you both.

but this is a big red flag.

Jesus, his message is vile. Red flags the whole way through.
Why are even contemplating moving him in, let alone marrying him after 18 months when you have children to consider? It usually takes a few years for someone to show their full self in a relationship. Already this jerk is showing horrible aspects of himself. Get out now. This is not going to get better and it will be your son paying the price for your decision. Be strong; get rid.