My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

[Mum20222]

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

All of this and I have a similar aged dc no way would I be entertaining this shit.

but these type of men, they prey on women they perceive as weak or naive or even desperate.

Well, there is no way you can be a good parent AND a United front with mr I have no kids but know better than you how to parent yours and the most important thing is that you agree with me and we be a united front, can you?
you marry him, he is unkind to your 11 for approx 7 years and tells you off for being nice, then your 11 yo is now 18 and moves out and will see you on his birthday and at Christmas as long as that man you moved in isn’t there mum otherwise I’m not coming over ever, and your fiancé is happy. Are you really going to sign up for that in 7 days? If you are a good mum, you message back, We are not a united front and you will not be ‘bringing the stick’ into our house. I’m afraid this won’t work.

As yea. I should have put a disclaimer about assets.

Have the Sharia councils improved? Getting a divorce seemed to be ridiculously one sided, he could leave me for an assortment of reasons, and relied upon at his word. Mine however, very few reasons and even if I was abused I’d have to proof it.

Even though we were legally married the pressure to stay was immense because of things like that’s what men are like; things will get better; men’s rights and more.

OP it won’t be the end of the world if you called this off or even postponed it. A good man will understand. A bad man will make you feel worried or scared of calling things off or postponing. Don’t worry about what others will think or say, they won’t be there to pick up the pieces. Your priority has to be your kids, men like this are not good news. He is not a catch, don’t lower the bar because of pressure. Don’t ignore red flags you will be sorry.

You said “Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now”

Here’s an example:

He wrote:

I don’t feel I can point out the most blatant, unquestionably bad behaviour without you taking offence.

He thinks that coming out of school 20 minutes later than expected is “most blatant, unquestionably bad behaviour.”

That’s what’s terrible. It’s annoying, but not that bad, especially if it was caused by something completely out of your son’s control.
Surely parents are used to sitting outside schools waiting for children.

Will he feel the same about collecting you from events if you’re not waiting outside for when he arrives?

If he's showing himself like this now, what will he be like when you live together? Please think about your son, 18 months is such a short time. You haven't lived together, he isn't kind to your son. Think about it carefully.

WTF - that message is awful. Please DO NOT marry this man. It sent chills down my spine. He will try and break your son. Don't do this please.

I don’t think they’ve improved as such as they’re still run by the same men but they had a kick up their arses by the government a few years ago as they were giving bs rulings and going against the law so they were told to stay in their lane so a lot of them are treading carefully nowadays. They seem to be a formality not a court issuing rulings nowadays. It’s only women that approach them, men don’t pay any attention to
them anyway which renders them
useless. i’m sorry for what you went through. Male privilege and entitlement is something else in some communities.

All of the responses are correct. You really need to listen to them because you and your child's wellbeing will be impacted negatively and he is undermining your parenting and your worth and vast experience as a mother. But even worse, he is undermining you as a person rather than showing deference since you are allowing him into your family unit. He should be quiet, respectful and supportive in these matters like a good man would be.

He is actually telling you that he is going to impose his will on the thing that you are an expert in and put himself between you and your son - the most precious relationship in the world to you - it isn't good.

My last partner was like this. No experience of parenting but came in from on high with absolute certainty of his parenting ability, my wishy-washy ways, and was controlling.

Your message started by being defensive about your parenting so he knows he has made you feel vulnerable. My last partner changed once I was tied to him and his behaviour towards my son was not good. I have finished the relationship.

"He needs to obey" is the message and that's the massive red flag OP

I’ll never want to yield the stick, I want to offer the carrot but I’m not going to give carrots out when he’s misbehaving. This isn’t foreign to me despite you saying I’m unqualified in not so fewer words. My dad never told me off he left it to mum, and he wasn’t around much.

You are a really good mother so please continue to be a good mother by leaving this man. I feel so sorry for your 11 year old.

As others have said, the "united front" bit rang all the alarm bells, and I wouldn't trust hims as far as I could throw him - not around your son or around you, OP. He's far too fixated on obedience. How long will it be before that stick isn't metaphorical, for your son and for you?

So he isn't backing down.

In fact, he is trying to bully you into accepting that being 'consistent' means doing things his way.

He's saying that if the two of you break up, it will be your son's fault. Essentially, He's telling you that you have to choose between your son and him.

There is no middle ground here. You do have to choose. Do not marry with your fingers crossed behind your back, hoping that he will change.

He is setting out the conditions under which he will live under your roof - he has a need for demonstrations of 'respect', and in his eyes, your son's role is to fill that need. He's on a power trip.

What I'm suggesting very strongly here is that this man should be dumped.

He is not a parent, nor would I want him to be one
Choose your children

The fact that he got angry when your son was late out of school and he had to twiddle his thumbs for twenty minutes is a huge red flag.

This man is completely hung up on the idea of 'respect'. He feels he is owed by your child and took it as a personal insult when he was late. A "How dare anyone keep me waiting!" response is a strong indicator of a person who is very likely a narcissist. He thinks he's too important to be kept waiting.

I’m so sad to see that he thinks your son was disrespectful because he was coming out of school later than he was supposed to. Just a very strange attitude towards him , even more so it wasn’t his fault. Does he thinks his time is more important than your DS?
I have my own story which might help you understand how unreasonable your fiancé is. My DM got together with my DSDad when I was 14. My parents was divorcing at the time so I was all over the place and mostly very upset about it. So in my frustration and anger I called my DSDad all the names under the sun and was generally just very mean to him. But you know what? He never once told me off or ever argued with me or even asked my DM to tell me off.
He just understand I was a child. He always had a nice attitude towards me so it’s no surprise I asked him to walk me down the aisle when I got married 20 years later.
I also find his message to you very strange. He is just rumbling on about nothing basically. A bit like if I tell you enough times you might believe it then it will be my way . Sounds a bit narcissistic sorry to say .
Please don’t marry him he doesn’t like your son. You said it yourself.

And what @magma33 said...

What I am reading here is:

”You’re a weak woman, just like my mother, and your little brats have run rings around you. As soon as I’m the man of the house all of that is going to change. With a stick if necessary. You’d better both fall in line if you know what’s good for you.”

Honestly, that message is so horrible and controlling - run a mile, OP. He is a nasty little man.

After 18 months you still won’t know this man inside out, but you've agreed to marry him. Now this huge red flag. Nope. For your youngest son sake at least give yourself a bloody good shake. He's five minutes in, you've been a mum for all of those years. Do the right thing, he certainly isn’t it.

If you’d taken your time introducing them as you say, they’d have only just met. You wouldn’t be anywhere near being able to marry. Or even get engaged.

Im just waiting for the ‘my kids are my world’ or ‘I always put my children first’ lies that come with these posts.

Even if he were perfect and all signs suggested he would be a good and loving step-parent - and they don’t - it would be far far too soon.

Please OP, reconsider or your son, and very possibly you are in for a miserable life. This man is completely unsuited to being a step-parent, doesn't even like your child and is so threatening I'd be running for the hills by now.

Sounds like he's looking for a free place to stay, and to rule the roost with a rod of iron. As a mum you need to protect your son, and yourself.

Call it off, and make sure you are safe when you do so. I'm already worried about your safety.

@MintJulia

Sounds like he's looking for a free place to stay, and to rule the roost with a rod of iron. As a mum you need to protect your son, and yourself.

I've been thinking "cocklodger" - and this one isn't even hiding his nastiness until after he's moved in!

Please don't marry this person. This will not end in the happy ever after you have in your head. Try to think clearly. Think about his actions rather than his words.

Everyone that has read your post and read his vile message to you is in agreement.

If you read other relationship posts the replies will be varied.

Your thread has ALL of us united in agreement saying the same thing.

We are all different people from all walks of life, different ages and different beliefs but we can all see that this man is a danger to your child and even to you.

Of course he may have some nice things about him, even Hitler loved his dog!

You are a good mother, your sons love you. All that will be in tatters if you marry this man.