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Original poster

My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

246 replies

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

OP posts:
babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 09/07/2023 02:40

I would NOT be marrying a man who clearly disliked my children and criticised my relationship with them. Your kids deserve better and so do you.

MCOut · 09/07/2023 02:49

Respectfully, if you’re marrying him within 18 months your sons have not had much time to get used to him at all.

Your poor 11 yo. That message is code for “ I don’t like your child and I’m going to come down on him like a ton of bricks for every little infraction”. Then your son will just become unhappy and resentful.

Press pause.

Fraaahnces · 09/07/2023 02:50

Okay, think about it. He’s starting a new business which has financial implications. He’s moving into your family home with your boys and expects to be “The Man”. He has stated that he is going to put his foot down and play that role once you’re married. He has shown you that he is criticical of your “weaknesses” and your parenting. This is very controlling and will get worse when you move in together. I fear that he will funnel all of his money into his “new business” while you are working and raising your boys, and he will not pay his way in your home and make the boys feel uncomfortable in their own home so they leave early. You need to think about all of this and ask yourself honestly if there is any possibility that he may be a cocklodger.

Catsmere · 09/07/2023 02:51

Press pause.

I'd say press Stop and Eject!

MCOut · 09/07/2023 03:05

Catsmere · 09/07/2023 02:51

Press pause.

I'd say press Stop and Eject!

To be honest, you are right.

She doesn’t even really know this man. He has been around for all of a minute and is already brazen enough to try and give parenting lessons and insist he’s prioritised over OPs DS. United front…

scoobysnaxx · 09/07/2023 03:08

Run for the hills.

18 months to marry someone is wicked fast. Dangerously fast when you're a parents.

He definitely shows signs of being an abusive person. His message is manipulative and patronising but is designed to come across mature and understanding.

He has some big balls to even comment on your parenting when he's only know the kids for 18 months max. The audacity.

He is hinting that your son will drive a wedge and he will not stand for it. He is basically warning you to not let that happen and that he won't let it happen. Sinister.

He doesn't like your kids. Losing his rag over having to wait 20 minutes for your son to leave school? Hilarious. He won't cope with the teenage years. He will rage. You will argue. You will try to appease him but be caught in the middle. Your son will lose out and feel isolated.

Major mistake.

I wonder what kind of rules and discipline he is planning to lay down once you're married and he's living there. I dread to think.

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Catsmere · 09/07/2023 03:17

MCOut · 09/07/2023 03:05

To be honest, you are right.

She doesn’t even really know this man. He has been around for all of a minute and is already brazen enough to try and give parenting lessons and insist he’s prioritised over OPs DS. United front…

Show quote history

Yep. He can't even hide his authoritarianism until he's got his feet under the table, like most abusive men do.

Tyrionapproach · 09/07/2023 03:19

He's not a nice man, whatever the veneer.

Despite having no kids of his own, and I'm guessing from that message little experience of siblings either, probably hasn't had anything to do with modern schools for at least 25 to 35 years, he's an expert on "kiddy" behaviour, is he? Right. Who even USES the word "kiddy" any more?

Do your future self a favour, and unless you want a minimum of seven years of misery for your younger son, and your older one probably only coming back from university rarely if at all to what was once his home, end it now.

Catsmere · 09/07/2023 03:21

I also wonder how much of OP's money, property etc he'll demand for his business venture. He sounds like the sort who says "husband" but means "owner".

BadNomad · 09/07/2023 04:02

You need to decide what role you want him to play in your children's lives. Do you want him to be just "mum's husband" or do you want him to take on a parental role?
If it is the latter then it is important that you are on the same page when it comes to parenting. It doesn't sound like you are. You have different approaches which aren't compatible.
If you just want him as a husband rather than a "parent" to your children, then you need to tell him because it is obvious that he thinks he's more than that. He then needs to decide if he is able to step back and have no input in how the children are raised.

TerrorAustralis · 09/07/2023 05:09

It’s very clear that he expects to come into your family as head of the household, in the old-fashioned patriarchal way. He has it in his head that he is going to be a strict father-figure to your sons and you have to back him up in your position as the number two authority figure.

Calling your son manipulative for fairly standard kid behaviour clearly shows that he sees parenting as a battle of wills. And the fact that he holds the child responsible for an assembly running late is a massive red flag.

It’s hard to do, but you need to call off or at least delay the wedding. If you go ahead, you are inviting misery into your family.

TerrorAustralis · 09/07/2023 05:11

BadNomad · 09/07/2023 04:02

You need to decide what role you want him to play in your children's lives. Do you want him to be just "mum's husband" or do you want him to take on a parental role?
If it is the latter then it is important that you are on the same page when it comes to parenting. It doesn't sound like you are. You have different approaches which aren't compatible.
If you just want him as a husband rather than a "parent" to your children, then you need to tell him because it is obvious that he thinks he's more than that. He then needs to decide if he is able to step back and have no input in how the children are raised.

Exactly this. There’s a lack of agreement on his role. Honestly, I think with an 11-year-old it’s mad to think he can come in and act like a parent.

TreesandFish · 09/07/2023 06:10

Marrying this man will be an accelerated course to destroy your little boy. His brother is gone and he's getting someone imposed on him who clearly doesn't like him.

Please DON'T GET MARRIED

lemmein · 09/07/2023 06:23

Eurgh op, this bit Sad

The important thing is we are a united front. If he thinks he can get in between us for his advantage, he probably will. Common kiddy tactics.

He already sees your son as the opposition and is telling you quite clearly that he expects you to be on his 'side'.

Don't do this to your boy.

Ostrichbraid · 09/07/2023 06:48

PrinceHaz · 08/07/2023 22:54

I don’t like his message. He thinks he sounds reasonable but to me he sounds like a patronising arse.
Don't marry him.

Agreed

PrimalOwl10 · 09/07/2023 07:05

Last than 2 years and your due to get married is not taking your time. He doesn't like your dc inparticular the 11 year old.

summerpuppy · 09/07/2023 07:06

Who the fuck does he think he is
18 months in and he’s telling you how to parent despite having no experience himself,it’s laughable,
he should be looking to you to lead the way ,not telling you how it is
he thinks he knows better than you ,despite having no experience,
dump and run is my advice

speluncean · 09/07/2023 07:07

Do not marry this man.

So many red flags.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 09/07/2023 07:19

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:03

Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now

OP having read all of our replies are you still feeling confused?

Can you now see what we can see?

IfYouDontAsk · 09/07/2023 07:22

OutDamnedSpot · 08/07/2023 22:47

18 months? And you’re getting married even though you disagree about parenting. Why?

This. Why are you rushing into marrying someone when you have children? Way, way too fast. You need to be doubly sure of someone when there are kids involved. I would postpone the wedding. That is much easier to do than divorce if it turns out that you’re right to be hesitant.

Livinghappy · 09/07/2023 07:32

Way too early. I think you will regret marrying him.

He clearly thinks (from his message) he is head of the house. He is telling you that he will not tolerate your boys and already trying to drive a wedge between you.

Yousee · 09/07/2023 07:35

Calm your jets.
18 months in I hadn't even met DSD yet and even 9 years down the line I don't get involved with discipline beyond a mild "remember to put your laundry in the basket please". It's not my place, she gets enough parenting from her parents.
This has got disaster plastered all over it.

olivehaters · 09/07/2023 07:45

I do think its ridiculous to get married after 18 months especially when there are kids involved. I got married after 3 years and didn't have any kids. Considered that pretty quick not conservative and I didn't have any other peoples lives to consider. What was the big rush? It tells me you aren't giving your kids stability and you are one of those women that jumps from one abusive relationship to another.

cushioncovers · 09/07/2023 07:50

Op you need to be an advocate for your own children. Stop putting a man and your feelings of wanting to be loved by someone above your children's welfare. Its incredibly selfish. Do not marry this person.

Ladybug14 · 09/07/2023 07:53

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:54

He is a kind loving man, thoughtful, faithful and decent in other aspects. Lacking in maturity though.

Give your partner a few years to mature, then

Do not marry him right now.