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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

246 replies

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

OP posts:
chuffoff · 08/07/2023 23:14

MajorDanger · 08/07/2023 23:09

I don’t feel he respects me but hopefully he will but I need to do it my way.

”his way”. This fills me with terror for your son.
I was a 14 year old when my DM got a new partner. ‘His way’ was definitely not child friendly. I’m now 50 and his way has had a lasting effect on me and my younger sibling, even though they split up decades ago.

Absolutely this.
My experience with a step parent also.

thisisasurvivor · 08/07/2023 23:15

Who cares about him

Priorities are you and your children
How dare he

Plus it will get worse if you marry him

Get rid asap

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/07/2023 23:15

The tone of the message is unpleasant, the arrogance, the way he patronises you...

You don't need this man, your ds certainly doesn't need him, honestly call the wedding off and do yourself a favour.

Ollifer · 08/07/2023 23:15

He sounds jealous of your son getting any attention from you. This is common with these types of men, and it'll get a lot worse once you're married and he has his feet under the table.

Leave now. His message - yuck.

MajorDanger · 08/07/2023 23:16

he can do whatever he likes in front of me as long as you’re not there as I won’t say anything. I’m sure you don’t want this.

I mean, he’s even telling you how you should feel. I’m sure you don’t want this You should be pretty alarmed. He’s going to be disciplining your DS the way he thinks he should be disciplined, for some minor misdemeanour he feels he’s committed, and then tell you ‘I’m sure you don’t want DS to disrespect me/go off the rails/fail at school…’

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/07/2023 23:16

X post with your update about not living together due to your faith. I stand by what I said though. If things are this difficult now just you wait till he’s under your roof throwing his weight around. It’s going to be awful.

Fizzadora · 08/07/2023 23:17

Well for me it is the line about you being a united front and implying your son will try and get between you.
If you do this, your son will have no one on his side. He's 11 and your partner doesn't like him.

There's an old adage that comes up frequently on here. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

I think you really need to cancel the wedding. You have rushed into this far too quickly. Don't be worried about losing face or other people's inconvenience.

Live together for 6 months or a year if you must and see how it all works in practice before you commit to marriage, but he needs to back off with his idea of parenting.

MiniTheMinx · 08/07/2023 23:18

His manipulate message clearly shows he has the mind of someone who is abusive. Objectively he has written a pile of twaddle. However, that twaddle is designed to confuse you, that's why you're confused.

I wouldn't trust him around my dog let alone my child. He IS questioning your parenting, he is stating your child is naughty, manipulate, and will drive a wedge, he will eventually erode your confidence and your own understanding of right from wrong until in the end your son.....look I don't need to point out several high profile tragic cases of child abuse do I?

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:21

This reply has been deleted

OP - you have included your son's name. Please get in touch if you want to repost with the name removed.

TillieAnn1945 · 08/07/2023 23:22

It wasn’t your sons fault an assembly ran over so there’s no need for him to be messaging you about his discipline framework etc.. I think 18 months is too soon to be moving in and marrying. There’s no way I’d be marrying this man, I wouldn’t want him getting involved in disciplining my children. I really would would postpone the wedding.

Biscuitandacuppa · 08/07/2023 23:23

The tone of that text he has sent you is very much that he believes his way is the right way and you are weak. He will bully you and your ds once you are married and he will expect you to conform to his way of parenting. Also just because your eldest is off to Uni it doesn’t mean he won’t be moving back home again as the cost of living is so high most adult children remain at home until mid twenties.

You are having doubt for a reason, listen to yourself, this is isn’t the one for you. It’s far far too fast and I bet he is the one pushing for marriage so soon.

calmcoco · 08/07/2023 23:24

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:14

It’s going to be a nikkah, not legally binding in this country. But still have friends and family attending, because I’m Muslim we can’t live together without this ceremony. He’s moved his work to my city already so it’s been difficult for him to commute over the past few months.

Then date for longer. Everyone is seeing the same thing that you can feel in your gut.

Don't do this.

paellabella · 08/07/2023 23:24

Be careful.

If you make the wrong decision there is the potential you could alienate and lose your sons because of him!

nocoolnamesleft · 08/07/2023 23:25

The vibe I get from those messages, I'm afraid, is that he doesn't like your children, and he doesn't respect you.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 08/07/2023 23:26

Cancel the wedding. He is a walking red flag. Controlling and patronising and negging and pretty awful.

You posted your fears and worries here, and as your posts go on, you are defending him. WHY do women do that on here?!

BIN. HIM!

Reallybadidea · 08/07/2023 23:28

Do you think that honestly, hand on heart, that it's in your sons' best interests for you to marry this man? Everything boils down to this. Is he going to be good for them.

UsernameNotAvailableArghh · 08/07/2023 23:29

Met and married in 18 months? Christ, I waited over two years to introduce my bf to my grown up children! What’s your rush?

Icedlatteplease · 08/07/2023 23:30

He had a go at your son for something he could do nothing to avoid.

He messages do nothing to acknowledge that. He was fundamentally in the wrong in every possible way

Give your head a wobble and let this one go

StarDolphins · 08/07/2023 23:31

There’s no way in earth this man would be living with me, near my children or marrying me.

That message is awful - if he’s coming out with that so soon, he’s going to be a nightmare in 3 years.

Why is he even talking about a United front & giving you (telling)!how to parent.

Your poor child.

Mixedmixed · 08/07/2023 23:32

Listen to your gut, it is telling you don't do it. You know this, otherwise you wouldn't be here seeking advice. Don't do it.

TillieAnn1945 · 08/07/2023 23:32

‘I’m not going to call his bad behaviour good. That won’t do him any favours and will make our lives harder as the years go on.

I’ll never want to yield the stick, I want to offer the carrot but I’m not going to give carrots out when he’s misbehaving.’

You sounds like a great mum and I’d bet that IF your youngest son is really ‘misbehaving’ (and not just late because an assembly has overrun) then it’s because this relationship is all moving waaaay too fast. Honestly, please put your sons first. I believe this is what your intuition is telling you. It’s why you posted.

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/07/2023 23:33

Dump him... he sounds absolutely horrible. He isn't a parent, who the hell does he think he is telling you how to??

DUMP. HIM.

Roundandnour · 08/07/2023 23:39

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:03

Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now

.

Comes across as it’s going to be his way. He’s resentful and jealous of your son. He wants to control you and your son in a way that he feels good behaviour. It’s all about him essentially.

He knows your son doesn’t respect him and really why should he? How can he? He’s a stranger that moving in and marrying his mum.

He isn’t supportive of your parenting no matter how much he says he is. He seems to forgotten about your 18 year old. Talking of which how does he feel knowing you will be still supporting him and chances are he will be coming home regularly. Is it going to be the stick or carrot approach for him?

Personally after 18 months he wouldn’t be moving in never mind getting married. Trips out, staying over etc are ways to get a natural bond. This man isn’t even living with yet and already thinks he’s in a position to parent and tell your child off.

“The important thing is we are a united front. If he thinks he can get in between us for his advantage, he probably will. Common kiddy tactics”

I don’t feel he respects me but hopefully he will but I need to do it my way. It’s a long game as anything genuine won’t happen overnight.

I don’t feel I can point out the most blatant, unquestionably bad behaviour without you taking offence. If I’m unable to do this it will just continue unchallenged if you don’t happen to see it. He’ll learn that he can do whatever he likes in front of me as long as you’re not there as I won’t say anything. I’m sure you don’t want this. If I’m here to support you, there needs to be a clear and unprejudiced line of communication

SwordToFlamethrower · 08/07/2023 23:41

18 months is WAY too soon! Just too soon and he gives me the ick. He sounds absolutely awful and that he plans to lay down the law ASAP.

Get rid... do not marry him!

ManyDogs · 08/07/2023 23:41

That message is awful
Do not marry him. Your poor kids.