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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My fiancé critical of my parenting - wedding in 7 days! Help!

246 replies

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:37

I’ve been a lone parent to two boys 18 & 11 for a few years. Met my now fiancé 18 months ago, fell in love, got engaged and set to marry this Saturday!
He doesn’t have children of his own, this was a concern for me to begin with but we are compatible in other ways. I took my time before introducing him and both my boys have been positive about him overall.
Him about them, not so much.
Older son is going off to uni but fiancé feels my 11 year old always gets his way, critical of my leniency in making him follow rules (dishes in dishwasher, bedtime etc). I know I’m a good mother and he makes me feel judged and worry about the future. We had a row today, he complained how he had to wait for my son in the school for 20 mins yesterday (second time he’s picked him up) son’s says his assembly finished later than expected. I told him that while I agree with some of his ‘opinions’, he should not expect me to parent in a way he wants to. And that I need positive support from him regarding my parenting.This ended in me saying maybe we need to have some time out before the wedding and improve our spirits. He took offence to this and stormed off, hinting there might be no wedding afterall.
Although he’s since sent a consolatory message saying he wants to marry me etc, I’m sick with worry.
He is facing a lot of stress with a new business and the upcoming move to my place, and I know I am also feeling the pre wedding jitters but I don’t want someone breathing down my and my son’s necks.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/07/2023 23:42

The undertone of that message was very much you will be doing it my way whether you like it or not

Don't do this to your son

Aria2015 · 08/07/2023 23:44

Gosh this makes me feel sad for your son. Please trust your instincts as a mother. If you know you're raising them the right way don't let him doubt yourself. Your son is at a critical age. 11 years old, he's growing into the teenage years where he'll be really forging his independence. If your son becomes unhappy with his home life due to your partner, you risk pushing him away and he'll soon be at an age where he will be able to choose where to live and how much time he spends with you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:46

This is a
Situation where I really think it's better to live together first

IF what will people think is factoring in (no judgment) and you've also pre paid the reception, I would be really tempted to tell people you made mistake booking the church/ registry office and you're just doing the reception now and will elope at a
Later date. You can still enjoy the party and then reassess how /whether things could work in a live in partnership via couples therapy

Juanmartinez · 08/07/2023 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:47

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:50

Why is he so keen to marry me if he doesn’t like my children and/or my parenting?
Please read this message from him today:

You’re a good mum. I’ve always said that. This is not questionable.

xxxx is 11 and plays up. That’s normal and to be expected.

Me calling out bad behaviour shouldn’t be seen as an attack on you.

I’m not going to call his bad behaviour good. That won’t do him any favours and will make our lives harder as the years go on.

I’ll never want to yield the stick, I want to offer the carrot but I’m not going to give carrots out when he’s misbehaving. This isn’t foreign to me despite you saying I’m unqualified in not so fewer words. My dad never told me off he left it to mum, and he wasn’t around much.

The important thing is we are a united front. If he thinks he can get in between us for his advantage, he probably will. Common kiddy tactics.

I suggested being consistent as everyone appreciates this. It’s a good framework as it provides boundaries, that will be tested but hopefully only occasionally. You mentioned being more lenient than I am, maybe true. But I don’t think lenient means turning a blind eye and ignoring a direct instruction.

You credit his bad behaviour to your perceived shortcomings. This is wrong and damaging to you.

I don’t feel he respects me but hopefully he will but I need to do it my way. It’s a long game as anything genuine won’t happen overnight.

I don’t feel I can point out the most blatant, unquestionably bad behaviour without you taking offence. If I’m unable to do this it will just continue unchallenged if you don’t happen to see it. He’ll learn that he can do whatever he likes in front of me as long as you’re not there as I won’t say anything. I’m sure you don’t want this. If I’m here to support you, there needs to be a clear and unprejudiced line of communication.

I’m not telling you how. or criticising your parenting. I was trying to offer you support.

This makes me think you could all do with family therapy

Pipersouth · 08/07/2023 23:49

I think you should take down your message as it has your sons name on it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:50

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:14

It’s going to be a nikkah, not legally binding in this country. But still have friends and family attending, because I’m Muslim we can’t live together without this ceremony. He’s moved his work to my city already so it’s been difficult for him to commute over the past few months.

Do you have an in community pre wedding counsellor? Can you ask someone in your faith community to help with this? (In Catholic Church weddings they do pre wedding counselling I wonder if you have something similar?)

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/07/2023 23:50

Cancel the wedding.

You’re playing fast and loose with your kids happiness and sense of security here aren’t you? By intending to marry this jerk.

Prioritise your children and your own future and cancel.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 08/07/2023 23:50

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 22:54

He is a kind loving man, thoughtful, faithful and decent in other aspects. Lacking in maturity though.

Aww really? Why didn't you say so sooner? Of course you should marry this fine match 18 months after meeting, when you have an 11 year old he hates, because he is a kind, loving man and decent in other aspects (just not the important one) Hmm

magma33 · 08/07/2023 23:50

Hi OP I’m muslim too and the advantage of a nikah is you can carry on dating but not ‘sinning’

why is he moving in with you? Will he contribute financially to bills etc? Why can’t he get his own place nearby? Some men want to live rent free or because of some advantage you’re not aware of. Do you earn more than him? What is the real reason for rushing in? i’m happily married but my god if things were to hit the fan there is no way I’d be moving another man into my house living with my kids, unless you actually want to have more kids with him? Please don’t do it! You’ll forever be tied to him then and that’s when abuse is ramped up, when you become more reliant on these types. I read somewhere Queen Camilla doesn’t live with the King. That’s how I would roll too at this point in my life.

muslim men come from all different walks of life and cultures but in my community there is a stereotype undercover type of abuser you do not want to get involved with. Moreso they see divorced single mothers as fair game because they know the community doesn’t accept these women fully until they’re married again, even if not consciously they will have been around that male privilege to have been influenced hence the red flags you’re noticing about him. There are plenty of posts on mumsnet about these men from
non muslim backgrounds but there is added entitlement due to cultural conditioning for some Muslim men.

go ahead and make the relationship halal but no need to move in. Listen to your gut. Men come and go so don’t let him fuck up your kids. I can tell you are a great mother please don’t let him gaslight you and make you question yourself. I feel so sorry for your boys that they’re positive about him but he doesn’t like them. Hell would freeze over before I entertained a man who didn’t like my kids nevermind marry and move in with him.

Temporaryname158 · 08/07/2023 23:51

He sounds hugely manipulative! Do not marry him.

you don’t understand posters concern in his message? What I read is negativity. He talks about using the stick not the carrot. What is this metaphorical stick he talks of? What discipline dose he intend to dish out because he’s made clear he intends to.

He suggests all children try and cause a wedge and that you should side with him and be a United front. What he’s saying in a back handed way is you side with me. You best side with me or there will be trouble. It’s also inferring he will not tolerate you siding with you son and will see this as a slight against him

it reeks of control!

he’s negging you when he points out you have pointed out he doesn’t have experience….well he doesn’t and so he should wind his neck in! Instead of trying to make you feel bad.

he’s wrapping all this up in saying you are a good mum to hide the horrible undertones.

please please don’t marry him. This will not end well for your youngest son. He needs a happy calm home with a mum who can support him not be walking on eggshells as to her husbands reaction to him.

why on Earth is he making a fuss about assembly? He was late out of school. The teacher controls what time they came out. It’s not your sons fault so why are you sending passive messages to him trying to placate him??? You are already bending and trying to placate him by saying how nice he is to your colleagues. You should have been giving him both barrels about How dare he accuse your son of being naughty coming out of school late and that it was in no way his fault.

you may not realise but you are on the edge of a precipice. Stand there, wait, don’t get married and say you need to wait at least another 2 years. His reaction at not getting his own way will soon tell you all you need to know. I bet he’s not so nice to you then!

you are in the beginning an abusive relationship, don’t make that an abusive marriage.

not only don’t marry him but let him know the engagement is off too. You don’t need this and your children certainly don’t!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/07/2023 23:53

magma33 · 08/07/2023 23:50

Hi OP I’m muslim too and the advantage of a nikah is you can carry on dating but not ‘sinning’

why is he moving in with you? Will he contribute financially to bills etc? Why can’t he get his own place nearby? Some men want to live rent free or because of some advantage you’re not aware of. Do you earn more than him? What is the real reason for rushing in? i’m happily married but my god if things were to hit the fan there is no way I’d be moving another man into my house living with my kids, unless you actually want to have more kids with him? Please don’t do it! You’ll forever be tied to him then and that’s when abuse is ramped up, when you become more reliant on these types. I read somewhere Queen Camilla doesn’t live with the King. That’s how I would roll too at this point in my life.

muslim men come from all different walks of life and cultures but in my community there is a stereotype undercover type of abuser you do not want to get involved with. Moreso they see divorced single mothers as fair game because they know the community doesn’t accept these women fully until they’re married again, even if not consciously they will have been around that male privilege to have been influenced hence the red flags you’re noticing about him. There are plenty of posts on mumsnet about these men from
non muslim backgrounds but there is added entitlement due to cultural conditioning for some Muslim men.

go ahead and make the relationship halal but no need to move in. Listen to your gut. Men come and go so don’t let him fuck up your kids. I can tell you are a great mother please don’t let him gaslight you and make you question yourself. I feel so sorry for your boys that they’re positive about him but he doesn’t like them. Hell would freeze over before I entertained a man who didn’t like my kids nevermind marry and move in with him.

This is v good advice

Batalax · 08/07/2023 23:54

You need to live together at least first.

Roundandnour · 08/07/2023 23:55

Your message ti him was reasonable @Mum20222 his sounds even worse.

He didn’t really share the load with you. He added to it first by moaning about something out of your sons control, but then he walked away and to add more insult send you the message that missed the point.

Instead of all that he could have apologised for over reacting. Instead he continues to not only blame you, but talk about how he will be a harsh bastard with his stick instead of a carrot.

It’s not having jitters that will disappear, it’s your mind reacting to a mistake you’re about to make. Postpone it. If he’s in it all for the right reasons he will understand when you tell him you realised you’ve not given yourselves enough time to know each other, you’ve not given your sons enough time to not only get to know him, but for the mutual respect to gradually develop

Butterfly44 · 09/07/2023 00:00

What does your 18yo son think - honestly. He obviously want you to be happy but if he puts that aside what would he honestly say?

11yo is young - so much childhood left. You know the drill as you've been through it. Don't put him through this. "united front" is saying he wants you to back him up. No, your son needs his mum, and if you were to marry - a guy who takes him on as his own. Which this one doesn't -as he's "in the way".

Disaster and you know it

VintageBlossomHill · 09/07/2023 00:03

I’m sorry but I can’t help think )that hopefully never on the same scale) but I’m pretty sure poor Alfie Steeles stepdad started off his abuse of Alfie by telling his mum that he could get Alfie into line.

Elbbob · 09/07/2023 00:09

Sorry OP hope you don't mind but I reported your last post as it looks like your son's name is in it.

I agree with everyone else - I don't like the subtext of his message to you. I worry about what he thinks his role is, his need for a united front with you against your son, doing things his way, saying you are a good mum but then criticising your parenting style... It is too soon for him to move in with you and your son.

TillieAnn1945 · 09/07/2023 00:14

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:03

Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now

What is so terrible is the disrespect. You have raised your boys (one is 18 so the raising of him has been done). His input is not required, yet here he is after 18 months telling YOU how it’s going to be for you and your sons. Just no.

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/07/2023 00:15

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:03

Can you tell me what all you find terrible? I’m feeling so confused right now

I think he believes your child should be robotic. Should obey everything exactly. This is not going to happen with any child
Him being overset that the child was 20 minutes late coming out of school is worrying. Children sometime don't get released from class at the exact time they're supposed to, it's not the child's fault. He needs to realize that.

PollyThePixie · 09/07/2023 00:16

His message is awful and he resents the fact there are others around you who will stand in the way of him being the b all and end all of everything and everyone in your life.

he wants you both to be a united front? Nope. He wants you to put him first always.

A woman can always find another man but a child can never have another mother. Don’t do this to your children.

Roundandnour · 09/07/2023 00:20

Mum20222 · 08/07/2023 23:14

It’s going to be a nikkah, not legally binding in this country. But still have friends and family attending, because I’m Muslim we can’t live together without this ceremony. He’s moved his work to my city already so it’s been difficult for him to commute over the past few months.

It might not be legal but a divorce is ime easier. My ex suggested this, and once I went and properly found out more about it, I pushed for a marriage.

Is it a nikah or nikah mu’tah ceremony?

Anklespraying · 09/07/2023 00:21

He told you he considers his father weak for letting his mother do the parenting.

He's already decided he's going to make sure he's in charge and he's told you.

The important thing is we are a united front. If he thinks he can get in between us for his advantage, he probably will. Common kiddy tactics.

This is awful. He's the one getting in between you and your son for his advantage, and to prove himself right about his weak father.

Very unpredictable. He's got to prove to himself he's not a weak man and he's planning on using your 11 year old to do that.

magma33 · 09/07/2023 00:24

Roundandnour · 09/07/2023 00:20

It might not be legal but a divorce is ime easier. My ex suggested this, and once I went and properly found out more about it, I pushed for a marriage.

Is it a nikah or nikah mu’tah ceremony?

Show quote history

Not a good idea if she has property/assets he wants to get his hands on that she would want her sons to inherit. Yes easier to divorce but sharia councils are not going to say no if she wanted a divorce. She can shop around. If she has kids with him and is reliant on him financially then yes legal marriage would be the way to go.

TrickyBiscuits · 09/07/2023 00:26

That message reads like a fucking bingo sheet of an abusive man. Gaslighting, controlling, threatening, undermining, manipulative, all dressed up as reasonable word soup and yet too stupid to understand how transparent it actually is.

Just the bleeding irony of him trying to manipulate you in to believing your child is manipulative is stunning.

I have an 11 year old DS, just the idea of someone speaking about him in the way makes me feel quite sick.