Thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about pregnancy

[greengreensummer]

I'd like to know thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about my pregnancy and what other people did in this situation please.

For context, DH and I have been together 6 years, got married last year. He split up with ex about 8 years ago because she had an affair - they were never married. We've had ups and downs with the kids who are 13 & 11 but we are currently all happy and get on really well.

We are currently civil enough with the kids' Mum, but she can be difficult and awkward for no apparent reason. She was fine when we got engaged (the kids told her) then when we got married she sent some really vile, long, ranty messages to my Dh - theme of the messages was "I can't believe you actually got married, we have kids together" with some quite unpleasant name calling. There have been several other times where she has sent horrible messages to DH and it has caused us a lot of stress and anxiety.

We think the kids will be really happy about the baby, and I think they will be good older siblings, so no real worries about telling them (we are going to tell them at the beginning of their time with us). When we've talked about telling the kids and our family & friends about the pregnancy, my DH has bought up sending ex a message to let her know. I asked why, and he said he just thinks it would be best and maybe it would stop the horrible messages this time.

I don't want to tell her, I'm a really private person and I want to share this with people who we love, and who care about us and will be supportive and I know she will be difficult, awkward or start with the weird messages again. I don't want DH to tell her as I think it will open a conversation about our baby/my pregnancy and it's just none of her business.

I feel like it takes control away from me and hands it over to her, it gives her power knowing that MY husband is telling her, his ex, about something very personal that is happening to me/us.

We are bordering on a big argument about this at the moment, one minute he says he agrees with me and that we won't tell her, then he will change his mind again and think it's best to message her. He has good intentions with this, he really is a great man but I don't think he understands that I am feeling very vulnerable, delicate and sensitive. Also to add he would never send the message without my OK, we both want to agree on this before anything.

I just want this to be a really happy time but I'm finding it really stressful.

Tricky spot and it's really not nice for you having to even factor this in!

The only solution I can come up with is do all of it and tell everyone on the same day- so tell the kids when they arrive and (providing they're happy/excited) take them round to see family and let them announce it to them, once your done telling your nearest and dearest send her a text so she's still got 3 days to calm down.

If you can't get round everyone that day, do the people who she would most likely be able to get in contact with first just incase she's goes on a rampage.

I know you don't want her to know before your nearest and dearest and that's understandable but remember it's for the children's sake, not for hers

We told the ex wife after we told the children, and before it went public. She's an absolute pain in the arse but she deserved not to hear it second hand.

I'm reading this that you accept the kids' mum will find out but you don't want your husband to be the one to tell her. I think given the ages of the kids, it would be a matter of good grace for him to tell her plus indicatives due date. Sequencing is easy here:-

Tell kids first
Text "the others" an hour later
Text the ex 5 minutes after the others

You are in control of what info she gets, so just gives her the bare minimum and don't respond to follow up questions.

I'm obviously not keen at all, it feels very personal. But if we have to then I don't want her to know before our brothers and closest friends & family.

12 weeks soon which is why this has come up.

We did think about telling our important people like brothers first then waiting to tell the kids as some have suggested, however they all have children of varying ages and we ended up with the conclusion that certain brothers would likely slip up to their kids who would definitely say something to my DSK's and it's important that they hear it from us. That's where the order of people sort of came from, it was never really an important thing which friend/family knows first, more about making sure the kids got the news from us.

Tell brothers, adults etc night before you tell DSC, ask them not to speak with DSC before you speak with them the next day. Get DH to tell ex the day after, so DSC have had time to process.

You're making a bigger deal of this than you need to - Its hard when you are in the middle of it, but it doesnt have to be

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I recently posted something similar recently - my DP’s ex of high conflict and is the Queen of parental alienation.

My DP’s kids are older than your SC’s, so he made the decision to not tell his ex wife. The kids will have told her by now and she’s stayed quiet, which isn’t necessarily a good sign haha.

I understand what you mean about someone who has shown hostility towards you knowing your personal business. I left it to my DP to decide if he dropped her a courtesy message or not and he chose not to.

I’d leave it up to your DH to decide and keep yourself out of it and put her to the back of your mind. As irritating as it is, she’s going to have to know at some point, but for your own well-being let your DH deal with all of that