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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about pregnancy

80 replies

greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:20

I'd like to know thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about my pregnancy and what other people did in this situation please.

For context, DH and I have been together 6 years, got married last year. He split up with ex about 8 years ago because she had an affair - they were never married. We've had ups and downs with the kids who are 13 & 11 but we are currently all happy and get on really well.

We are currently civil enough with the kids' Mum, but she can be difficult and awkward for no apparent reason. She was fine when we got engaged (the kids told her) then when we got married she sent some really vile, long, ranty messages to my Dh - theme of the messages was "I can't believe you actually got married, we have kids together" with some quite unpleasant name calling. There have been several other times where she has sent horrible messages to DH and it has caused us a lot of stress and anxiety.

We think the kids will be really happy about the baby, and I think they will be good older siblings, so no real worries about telling them (we are going to tell them at the beginning of their time with us). When we've talked about telling the kids and our family & friends about the pregnancy, my DH has bought up sending ex a message to let her know. I asked why, and he said he just thinks it would be best and maybe it would stop the horrible messages this time.

I don't want to tell her, I'm a really private person and I want to share this with people who we love, and who care about us and will be supportive and I know she will be difficult, awkward or start with the weird messages again. I don't want DH to tell her as I think it will open a conversation about our baby/my pregnancy and it's just none of her business.

I feel like it takes control away from me and hands it over to her, it gives her power knowing that MY husband is telling her, his ex, about something very personal that is happening to me/us.

We are bordering on a big argument about this at the moment, one minute he says he agrees with me and that we won't tell her, then he will change his mind again and think it's best to message her. He has good intentions with this, he really is a great man but I don't think he understands that I am feeling very vulnerable, delicate and sensitive. Also to add he would never send the message without my OK, we both want to agree on this before anything.

I just want this to be a really happy time but I'm finding it really stressful.

OP posts:
Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 11:15

@lucylousweetie they were never married. Yes I can see what you mean and it's stressing me out, but that's exactly why I didn't want to tell her in the first place, because I felt like it was making it about her and that's obviously the opposite of what we want.

@Pkhsvd not really a thing for us before, they only ever message or call us or their Mum if its a longer period away from one another, or if it's something practical like a 'did I leave me X at yours'

@Neverinamonthofsundays Yes this is kind of how I was feeling when I posted.

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 27/06/2023 11:16

If she has your number, block her.

Tell your h that he should deal with her and not tell you if she sends abuse.

Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 11:17

Reugny · 27/06/2023 11:13

Tell the kids then get your DH to tell their mother.

As the oldest is 13 don't be surprised if they tell their mother before their father does.

You don't have to say anything to their mother as you didn't have children with her.

Any pregnancy information she tries to find out is up to your DH to tell her it is nothing to do with her.

As their mother can be difficult, if your DH is to have his older DC around the time of the birth then arrange for other relatives/family friends/neighbours/their friends to have them but give their mother first refusal.

Btw been there and done it.

Thank you for the advice.

Yes was thinking the same about about the birth.

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/06/2023 11:18

He should tell the kids at the start of his 4 days so they have time to process it while they are with you, then text her. Keep it simple... me and greengreensummer are expecting, we have told the kids, they are very excited... that's it. If she starts fussing or asking questions, ignore. Your pregnancy is absolutely nothing to do with her.

Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 11:21

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/06/2023 11:18

He should tell the kids at the start of his 4 days so they have time to process it while they are with you, then text her. Keep it simple... me and greengreensummer are expecting, we have told the kids, they are very excited... that's it. If she starts fussing or asking questions, ignore. Your pregnancy is absolutely nothing to do with her.

Thank you for your advice, seems like this is the way forward.

OP posts:
Pkhsvd · 27/06/2023 11:21

@Neverinamonthofsundays thst approach isn’t fair on the DC though and OP do you want the DCs memory of them finding out that they had a new sibling to be then marred by how their mum responded. I’m not trying to sound harsh but you and your DH are adults and made the decision to have a baby, the DC are completely without any control here and it’s not fair for them to be caught in the middle.
I do think you’re giving this too much headspace OP and you can’t control how she reacts; choose your way and tell your DH not to tell you about how she reacts, practice grey rock. I did this once I had my DC and it carried me through. My focus was my DC and DSD, the ex was not my problem.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/06/2023 11:30

Top tip for the start of your pregnany whilst being a step mother too @greengreensummer ... the fact that your DH already has children should have no bearing on you becoming a mother. Never let anyone dictate to you about your child. Start laying the boundaries with her AND your DH. Believe it or not, you might find him telling you what is and isn't fair on his kids becomes a common theme. Ignore, stay firm and good luck. I know you didn't ask for advice on that but I'm giving it anyway 😁

CurlewKate · 27/06/2023 11:32

Tell the kids, and your important people on the same day. Then tell her.

HomeSeck · 27/06/2023 11:42

Agree to send a text the same day you tell the kids.

And worrying if that means telling her before everyone else knows - meant kindly OP, but are people really going to be that bothered?

Sounds like the grandparents already know and I can't imagine your brothers would be devestated if DH's ex heard the news before they did (though I mean, how would they even find that out?!)

gettingoldisshit · 27/06/2023 11:46

Its absolutely none of her business! Tell the kids obviously and if they tell their mum then do be it but you and your dh owe her nothing and definitely don't need to tell her!

CurlewKate · 27/06/2023 12:05

@gettingoldisshit

Its absolutely none of her business! Tell the kids obviously and if they tell their mum then do be it but you and your dh owe her nothing and definitely don't need to tell her!"

Of course it's her business if she and the OP's dp are co-parenting! We are talking about grown ups here, right?

gettingoldisshit · 27/06/2023 12:07

@CurlewKate why is it any of her business? Her dc are old enough to tell her and talk about it to her if they have any issues! I wouldn't expect my exh to be telling me if his dw was pregnant but i would expect them to tell my dc!

Mumof4plusbonus · 27/06/2023 12:11

I know your plan was to tell the step children before others. This is the plan you need to scrap imo. It’s a nice idea, but I also wouldn’t want the ex to know before important people. 9+ months is also a long time for kids, they are time enough knowing at 20+ weeks, that’s when I told my own kids. You just need to make sure no one else tells them.
If that can’t happen then you need to tell ex before they return to let her digest it. Do the kids have phones? Because chances are they will tell her before you get a chance.
You need to reframe it as ex not being told your personal issues but more being told stuff that affect their children. She needs to know so she can support them and hopefully be positive around them, even if she has to fake it. Her opinion beyond that is irrelevant so just let it wash over you.

gogomoto · 27/06/2023 12:15

Personally I would suggest sending a factual statement as soon as you tell the children of the basics eg pregnant, due date. No need for anything extra at this stage

purpleboy · 27/06/2023 12:32

Sorry if this isn't very helpful but this seems like such a non issue. It just doesn't matter and You will not remember who you tell first. I cannot remember who I told or in what order or when.
If it's really something that bothers you, then tell the kids, tell the other important people, then send ex a message.

veryfluffyfluff · 27/06/2023 12:43

Rip off the band aid. Tell the kids then before they go back to mums DH can text her to let her know he's told them. Then it's on her to be an adult.

I suggest DH doesn't mention any affect on maintenance until nearer the time - eg a month or two notices of a reduction unless she asks. He is to not pass on any of her messages to you unless it's positive.

Fraaahnces · 27/06/2023 12:55

Get DH to send this message
”Just keeping you in the loop… Now that we know everything’s okay,@greengreensummer and I wanted the kids to know first that we’re having a baby. Now that we’ve seen how excited they are, we’re going to tell the rest of the family.”

Brbreeze · 27/06/2023 13:02

Tell the kids, get DH to send their mum a message, mute the response, forget about it, tell the rest of your family.
Honestly you are overthinking.

CurlewKate · 27/06/2023 13:10

@gettingoldisshit Because they are co parenting. And it's the sensible, grown up thing to do and the best way to make it OK for the kids. Which is what I assume they all want.

gettingoldisshit · 27/06/2023 13:15

CurlewKate · 27/06/2023 13:10

@gettingoldisshit Because they are co parenting. And it's the sensible, grown up thing to do and the best way to make it OK for the kids. Which is what I assume they all want.

Well I would suggest from the op that mum is not the most grown up adult around and she will kick off no matter what! How does her knowing make it easier/better for the dc? It wouldn't even enter my head to expect my exh to notify me of something like that because its got absolutely sod all to do with me and me knowing isn't going to change the fact it's happening weather i like it or not 🤷‍♀️.

CurlewKate · 27/06/2023 13:24

@gettingoldisshit "Well I would suggest from the op that mum is not the most grown up adult around and she will kick off no matter what!"

Which is why anything which might make it less grim for the children is what needs to happen. Like leaving them to tell their mother and take any immediate flak.

caringcarer · 27/06/2023 13:44

I think dh needs to know at some point but no early in pregnancy. Maybe about 16 weeks. A quick message from your DH.

X and I thought you need to know we are expecting a baby (insert) month. We are sure (insert) older siblings names, will both be thrilled to have a new sibling.

bumblebee2235 · 27/06/2023 13:54

HeddaGarbled · 27/06/2023 10:50

Your H should tell her. You don’t need to be involved in the conversation in any way. You could ask him not to tell you anything about it. Let him deal with it while you float above it all.

Totally agree with this! His Ex.. his problem. Not telling her will bite you in the bum! Finding out from her kids would be awful and you would get abusive.

DH text the facts, then if she gets abusive just don't react and don't text back.

PatchworkElmer · 27/06/2023 14:02

Just text her after you tell the children. It really doesn’t matter what order you tell people in. Accept that she should be told after the children- if that affects the order you tell people in, then so be it. I’d also tell her your due date.

Laurdo · 27/06/2023 14:12

I think you have to tell her as it's not fair for this to be left to the children, especially if she's likely to react badly to the news. I'd tell the kids when they're next back and tell her after you've told the kids but on the same day so she has some time to calm down before she has the kids back.

I totally understand you not wanting to share personal information with her and potentially have her put a dampner on your happy news, but I think it's in the kids best interest to do it as I've described above.

Regardless of how she finds out, if she's bitter she'll not be happy regardless. I think your husband should refrain from telling you about any messages he receives from her about it. He should protect you from that shit, there's no need for you to hear it.

Congratulations!