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Original poster

Thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about pregnancy

80 replies

greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:20

I'd like to know thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about my pregnancy and what other people did in this situation please.

For context, DH and I have been together 6 years, got married last year. He split up with ex about 8 years ago because she had an affair - they were never married. We've had ups and downs with the kids who are 13 & 11 but we are currently all happy and get on really well.

We are currently civil enough with the kids' Mum, but she can be difficult and awkward for no apparent reason. She was fine when we got engaged (the kids told her) then when we got married she sent some really vile, long, ranty messages to my Dh - theme of the messages was "I can't believe you actually got married, we have kids together" with some quite unpleasant name calling. There have been several other times where she has sent horrible messages to DH and it has caused us a lot of stress and anxiety.

We think the kids will be really happy about the baby, and I think they will be good older siblings, so no real worries about telling them (we are going to tell them at the beginning of their time with us). When we've talked about telling the kids and our family & friends about the pregnancy, my DH has bought up sending ex a message to let her know. I asked why, and he said he just thinks it would be best and maybe it would stop the horrible messages this time.

I don't want to tell her, I'm a really private person and I want to share this with people who we love, and who care about us and will be supportive and I know she will be difficult, awkward or start with the weird messages again. I don't want DH to tell her as I think it will open a conversation about our baby/my pregnancy and it's just none of her business.

I feel like it takes control away from me and hands it over to her, it gives her power knowing that MY husband is telling her, his ex, about something very personal that is happening to me/us.

We are bordering on a big argument about this at the moment, one minute he says he agrees with me and that we won't tell her, then he will change his mind again and think it's best to message her. He has good intentions with this, he really is a great man but I don't think he understands that I am feeling very vulnerable, delicate and sensitive. Also to add he would never send the message without my OK, we both want to agree on this before anything.

I just want this to be a really happy time but I'm finding it really stressful.

OP posts:
Infusionist · 27/06/2023 10:26

Of course you have to tell her, ideally just before/ at the same time as the kids.

It’s a massive change in their lives even if it is a positive one, and she needs to help them manage it. You also shouldn’t burden the kids with sharing news which they might have complicated feelings about.

lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 10:32

The alternative to not telling her is that either you swear the children to secrecy, which is grossly unfair, or you don’t tell them.

So there’s isn’t an alternative.

your partner drops his ex a calm and brief message (just a heads up, green is expecting. I think the children will be happy. Take care)

BoohooWoohoo · 27/06/2023 10:36

I would send her a message the same time that you tell the kids. If her initial reaction is likely to be anger then hopefully she will have calmed down a bit before the kids get home. Finding out via the kids could mean that they face an unpleasant situation at home.

lunar1 · 27/06/2023 10:38

You want to force your husbands children to keep a secret from their mum?

How do you think they will feel carrying that burden? How do you think they will feel if they slip up and tell her?

You also then force children to be the ones to deal with whatever reaction the news gets from their mum, without her having chance to compose herself first.

Add in to that the message it sends you husbands children, you've done something wrong and their half sibling is something to hide.

I'm not surprised you left husband is arguing with you over this. You are trying to put his DC in a horrific position.

Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:39

lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 10:32

The alternative to not telling her is that either you swear the children to secrecy, which is grossly unfair, or you don’t tell them.

So there’s isn’t an alternative.

your partner drops his ex a calm and brief message (just a heads up, green is expecting. I think the children will be happy. Take care)

We would never, and have never, asked or expected the children to keep any secrets from anyone - their Mum has told them not to tell us stuff before and it caused them a lot of stress, we would never ever do this.

So if you send a message and she then comes back asking more information, would you ignore it?

I also feel a bit fed up that if we did as @Infusionist and @BoohooWoohoo suggests, we have to tell her before we will get the chance to tell other people that are really important to us. We are telling the kids before anyone else (apart from our parents who already know) so is there a way round it so we tell the kids when they first get to us, try to tell our important people over the next couple of days, then message before the kids go back?

OP posts:
Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:41

lunar1 · 27/06/2023 10:38

You want to force your husbands children to keep a secret from their mum?

How do you think they will feel carrying that burden? How do you think they will feel if they slip up and tell her?

You also then force children to be the ones to deal with whatever reaction the news gets from their mum, without her having chance to compose herself first.

Add in to that the message it sends you husbands children, you've done something wrong and their half sibling is something to hide.

I'm not surprised you left husband is arguing with you over this. You are trying to put his DC in a horrific position.

?? I have no idea where you have read that the children would have to keep it a secret, I have never said that in fact I've said the total opposite.

OP posts:
Pkhsvd · 27/06/2023 10:42

I don’t really understand; is he suggesting telling her early or just in general? She does need to be told and it’s not fair on the DC to be the ones to tell her and get whatever reaction there may be.
When I was pregnant we told DSD first while she was with us and then DH phoned his ex later that day so it gave her some time to get used to it before she had DSD back with her the next day. You’re more likely to get shitty messages if you don’t tell her.
Also I do completely understand that you don’t want this spoilt by her being difficult but unfortunately getting married and having another baby are key times when exs tend to get difficult; I’d say to your husband that you’d rather not know at this point how she reacts and what she says about it.

lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 10:45

So op

think about it

if you’re going to tell your SC, they will tell their mother

Pkhsvd · 27/06/2023 10:45

Just seen your updates; if you want important people to know before her then you’ll have to tell them before the DC go back to their mum. We told important people before we told DSD; it was just easier that way as I felt similar to you.
Also what kind of more info would she ask for? He can tell her when baby is due and I’m not sure what else?

lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 10:48

So if you send a message and she then comes back asking more information, would you ignore it?

so i bloody wouldn’t “ignore” it, unless it was abusive

Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:48

Pkhsvd · 27/06/2023 10:42

I don’t really understand; is he suggesting telling her early or just in general? She does need to be told and it’s not fair on the DC to be the ones to tell her and get whatever reaction there may be.
When I was pregnant we told DSD first while she was with us and then DH phoned his ex later that day so it gave her some time to get used to it before she had DSD back with her the next day. You’re more likely to get shitty messages if you don’t tell her.
Also I do completely understand that you don’t want this spoilt by her being difficult but unfortunately getting married and having another baby are key times when exs tend to get difficult; I’d say to your husband that you’d rather not know at this point how she reacts and what she says about it.

He wants to tell her at the same ish time as the kids. So sit the kids down, tell them, then text her.

I'm obviously not keen at all, it feels very personal. But if we have to then I don't want her to know before our brothers and closest friends & family.

OP posts:
lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 10:48

No

HeddaGarbled · 27/06/2023 10:50

Your H should tell her. You don’t need to be involved in the conversation in any way. You could ask him not to tell you anything about it. Let him deal with it while you float above it all.

funinthesun19 · 27/06/2023 10:52

The only reason she would need to know is because of the SC.

But it should be done in a way that isn’t seeking her blessing. Very factual, non apologetic, positive, etc.. And she doesn’t need to know any more than that.

But I get it. It’s your body and it’s your medical information. Nobody has a given right to know what going on in it no matter who they are.
And you’re vulnerable physically and emotionally. The last thing you want is her poking her nose in when it’s not wanted and I get that worry. But if the kids know then it’s best for her to know too so they’re not keeping secrets.
Your DH needs to prepared for shutting down any nonsense she might start.

Not sure how far along you are, but if you’re in the early days then there is no rush to tell her and if he’s putting pressure on you to let him tell him ex then he should respect your wishes for now.

Infusionist · 27/06/2023 10:54

You say that the mum can be ‘difficult and awkward for no apparent reason’ - I know (very well!) how stressful pregnancy can be, but do watch that you’re not falling into the same pattern. Your H’s suggestion is the right one.

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/06/2023 10:56

greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:48

He wants to tell her at the same ish time as the kids. So sit the kids down, tell them, then text her.

I'm obviously not keen at all, it feels very personal. But if we have to then I don't want her to know before our brothers and closest friends & family.

Show quote history

That's the only logical way to do it, telling her at same time as the kids.

Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:57

funinthesun19 · 27/06/2023 10:52

The only reason she would need to know is because of the SC.

But it should be done in a way that isn’t seeking her blessing. Very factual, non apologetic, positive, etc.. And she doesn’t need to know any more than that.

But I get it. It’s your body and it’s your medical information. Nobody has a given right to know what going on in it no matter who they are.
And you’re vulnerable physically and emotionally. The last thing you want is her poking her nose in when it’s not wanted and I get that worry. But if the kids know then it’s best for her to know too so they’re not keeping secrets.
Your DH needs to prepared for shutting down any nonsense she might start.

Not sure how far along you are, but if you’re in the early days then there is no rush to tell her and if he’s putting pressure on you to let him tell him ex then he should respect your wishes for now.

Thank you, it's nice to know someone understands a bit and I think you've worded it better than I have.

12 weeks soon which is why this has come up.

OP posts:
Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 10:59

IhearyouClemFandango · 27/06/2023 10:56

That's the only logical way to do it, telling her at same time as the kids.

Show quote history

But she wouldn't see the kids for the next 4 days, so could we not try and tell 'the other's in that time then message the night before they go back or something?

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 27/06/2023 11:01

The problem with not telling her at the same time as the kids is that they will probably text her before 2-3 days and it will be better for them if she hears it from your h. (I assume that the kids have their own mobiles and might text mum daily at least)

Either tell the kids, put a social media post up then tell mum
or
Tell your family, tell the kids then tell mum.

TotallyFloored · 27/06/2023 11:02

I'd agree that you need to tell her so she can help support the children - even if they are happy, they will still have questions, worries etc that she will need to deal with when they are with her.

I see no issue with a simple, straightforward message from your DH after you've told the kids but before they go back to her house ideally so she can get her initial reaction (whatever it may be) over with. Then she is prepared to deal with the children's initial reaction and thoughts (that they may not have expressed when with you if they are still processing).

I also see no reason to ignore her perfectly reasonable questions if they somehow relate to the children (for example your rough due date so she can plan where the kids will be etc). If she asks something too personal, just politely reply to that effect, and if she is rude then I'd ignore.

Is this your first baby by any chance ? I wonder if you are overthinking it. You seem to be expecting trouble, but it is not certain that there will be any. You may well cause drama where there otherwise may not have been any if you go in with a combative attitude. At the end of the day, you are having a child with a man who already has children, and with that comes their mother. You have to deal with the circumstances you have. That means making sure the children are supported as soon as they are told.

I think with the circumstances you have, I'd see that your choice is either:
(a) you either tell the kids first (along with the mother), and then tell your families as soon as possible after; or
(b) tell your families first and then tell the kids as soon as possible after that (along with their mother).

lucylousweetie · 27/06/2023 11:05

You are making this wonderful event OP

ALL about her

You are doing this. No one else. You are making your fabulous news about your partner’s ex wife.

Pkhsvd · 27/06/2023 11:07

With their ages are they likely to tell her once you tell them? If they feel a bit unsettled they might then phone their mum. If that’s not an issue then of course you could tell them then 2 or 3 days later tell their mum before they go back.
I would say though that I wouldn’t really worry too much about telling the DC before other people close to you; my DSD never asked who already knew and we’ve never really talked about who knew before them. It wouldn’t occur to her to think of that.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 27/06/2023 11:10

I would not give her the satisfaction of being told so soon to be honest. Tell the kids, tell people in your life and let the kids let it slip. She does not deserve to get any kind of special treatment especially after the horrible messages when you got married.

Original poster
greengreensummer · 27/06/2023 11:10

@TotallyFloored Yes first baby, and yes I am a worrier...

To be honest I have no idea what she (or anyone else) would ask, I have never told anyone that I'm not completely comfortable with that I'm pregnant, preparing for the worst I guess.

I don't want conflict or drama at all, it would be far more beneficial to everyone to have a happy and calm pregnancy! I think I feel as I do because I have always tried to go into situations with an open mind and positive attitude and then when it ends up negative it's harder to deal with than preparing yourself for the worst.

Our engagement was a nice surprise when she was fine and I thought that may have been a turning point, but it always goes back to problems, I find it tricky to get out of that mindset.

OP posts:
Reugny · 27/06/2023 11:13

Tell the kids then get your DH to tell their mother.

As the oldest is 13 don't be surprised if they tell their mother before their father does.

You don't have to say anything to their mother as you didn't have children with her.

Any pregnancy information she tries to find out is up to your DH to tell her it is nothing to do with her.

As their mother can be difficult, if your DH is to have his older DC around the time of the birth then arrange for other relatives/family friends/neighbours/their friends to have them but give their mother first refusal.

Btw been there and done it.