Thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about pregnancy

[greengreensummer]

I'd like to know thoughts on telling DSK's Mum about my pregnancy and what other people did in this situation please.

For context, DH and I have been together 6 years, got married last year. He split up with ex about 8 years ago because she had an affair - they were never married. We've had ups and downs with the kids who are 13 & 11 but we are currently all happy and get on really well.

We are currently civil enough with the kids' Mum, but she can be difficult and awkward for no apparent reason. She was fine when we got engaged (the kids told her) then when we got married she sent some really vile, long, ranty messages to my Dh - theme of the messages was "I can't believe you actually got married, we have kids together" with some quite unpleasant name calling. There have been several other times where she has sent horrible messages to DH and it has caused us a lot of stress and anxiety.

We think the kids will be really happy about the baby, and I think they will be good older siblings, so no real worries about telling them (we are going to tell them at the beginning of their time with us). When we've talked about telling the kids and our family & friends about the pregnancy, my DH has bought up sending ex a message to let her know. I asked why, and he said he just thinks it would be best and maybe it would stop the horrible messages this time.

I don't want to tell her, I'm a really private person and I want to share this with people who we love, and who care about us and will be supportive and I know she will be difficult, awkward or start with the weird messages again. I don't want DH to tell her as I think it will open a conversation about our baby/my pregnancy and it's just none of her business.

I feel like it takes control away from me and hands it over to her, it gives her power knowing that MY husband is telling her, his ex, about something very personal that is happening to me/us.

We are bordering on a big argument about this at the moment, one minute he says he agrees with me and that we won't tell her, then he will change his mind again and think it's best to message her. He has good intentions with this, he really is a great man but I don't think he understands that I am feeling very vulnerable, delicate and sensitive. Also to add he would never send the message without my OK, we both want to agree on this before anything.

I just want this to be a really happy time but I'm finding it really stressful.

Thank you for all the comments, some of them maybe a little harsher than they needed to be! but I have taken everything on board. I will talk to DH tonight, I think a very short, factual message is best.

To address a few points:

I still don't agree that my pregnancy/our baby is any of her business. But obviously it affects her children, and that's what is her business. It's a fine line and I think I just want to tread carefully and share minimal information e.g. knows about pregnancy to support the kids if necessary & rough due date so she has first choice on whether she has the children if needed when baby is born and that's it.

We did think about telling our important people like brothers first then waiting to tell the kids as some have suggested, however they all have children of varying ages and we ended up with the conclusion that certain brothers would likely slip up to their kids who would definitely say something to my DSK's and it's important that they hear it from us. That's where the order of people sort of came from, it was never really an important thing which friend/family knows first, more about making sure the kids got the news from us.

Along the same lines, ex is certainly not a grown up adult and can be very hot headed in responses (which is actually a good point for why she should be told before the kids go back), she also lives near our family and it is likely she will see them about, she is also a bit of a social media person (which we aren't) so again, not wanting to tell her before our close family and friends was about our family hearing the news from us, rather than my DH's ex in some way. She is bitter and it is something she would certainly do.

I do agree with "his ex, his problem" but it is still no less shitty for DH to get the abusive messages whether he tells me or not. It'll still be horrible for him to remember telling his children about our baby/their sibling, and remembering the same old crap from his ex. I honestly just wish she would just stop and be a bit kinder so we didn't have to worry or even think about all of this.

The two reasons to tell their mother would be as a courtesy and also to ensure she can support the children if they later get worried/upset.

This ex has lost the right to the first, but the second still stands.

I would get DH to text her in completely FYI terms at the end of their 4 day stay, just before the children go back. Unless, they are in regular touch with her and will text her, in which case, just let them do that.

You can tell wider family and friends the same day you tell children.

DH needs to close down any questions and either ignore or call out any mean comments from ex. And crucially, he shouldn't pass on anything she has said unless it's genuine congratulations. You really don't need to know what she is spouting about your pregnancy or anything else.

My DSDs Mum was a massive PITA with every milestone our relationship made and my first pregnancy was (predictably) no exception.
We told DSD then DH sent her a quick text to let her know and that was that. He didn't pass on the details of her ranting and raving but I remember he had a face like thunder with his phone pinging away.
Telling her was the right thing to do by DSD and that was the most important thing. The details were none of her business.
We are all on good terms now btw, DSD adores her brothers and her mum will sometimes even bring my eldest a little treat at handover, all is well. There's hope for you yet, OP!

If you have the kids for a few days - I'd tell them at the very start, tell the rest of your family the next day (or even the same day) and then just drop her a very factual text before the children go back. That way you've managed to tell all the important people first.

I do think your husband needs to tell her as it affects her children so she does need to know and I think it would be unfair to send the kids back home to their mom without telling her as they may feel like they need to keep a secret.

Just say 'Just to let you know, we are expecting a baby in __ month. DC's are thrilled' or something along those lines, she doesn't need to know anything else

A lot more thought going into this that is necessary OP, try not to overthink it. She only needs to be told so the kids don't get burdened with that task or her reaction in the moment.
It really won't matter down the line who knew and when and in what order. Get your DH to text his ex, just to let you know we are sitting the kids down to let them know that we are expecting a baby at the end of October
and then let him deal with any kickback from her. It's natural if she's been problematic before that you're expecting the worst, but you don't have to deal with it, let him handle her, you block her and concentrate on what's important right now if she starts, because it's not her.

Don't give her any more headspace than is absolutely necessary.

OP, please don't think you owe the ex the Information you don't. The kids are old enough to tell her and articulate their thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry if she can't moderate her reaction to her own children, how are they coming to her with regular teenage worries and news that parents don't always want to hear. Says more about her parenting, which is not your concern or problem.

You are not obliged to give curtesy texts or phone calls. The ex is an adult and surly the thought crossed her mind that this might happen. If your not comfortable with telling her then don't. You could get a relative or grandparent to give heads up if you really fear she can't act rationale if her kids share the news.

You don't need to bend because you feel a grown adult won't act respectfully to what is really happy news!!. Massive congratulations OP you and making this a happy event for the kids is the priority! You shouldn't be forced to do anything your not comfortable with.

She is always going to be bitter and jealous but the sounds of it but just remember she had two children with a man who still wouldn't marry her and yet here you are married it must hurt her feelings that you got her happy ending as such. But in saying that you owe her nothing.

Tell the children and go by their response. If they are happy then say nothing they can tell her if they aren't then best for a heads up when they are leaving.

Whatever to do please do not tell the her before the children. She will tell them and god knows what she might say but doubtful she's going to take it well.

Actually like you said because of she's one of those social media people who post their lives on there I would tell your family first. Sounds like she will write a post on social media about how her ex is expecting a baby with the new shiny bride

I’d just send a short message when you tell the kids, don’t over think it. You can still celebrate with people you love that weekend and it really doesn’t matter that she knows via text first. She sounds a little volatile so if you wait to text just before the kids go back they could go home to a horrible situation which will then take away the initial excitement of it all for them too. Ask your DH not to respond to any further messages once he’s told her or read them that way she can’t ruin your happy weekend.

I completely get where you are coming from and have been in exactly the same situation. My husband’s X was exactly the same, she went on and on about having to know the due date and I didn’t want her to know as I felt she would make giving birth more stressful as she has done a lot of horrible things. So she wasn’t involved and a neighbour came and stayed overnight with DSS.

unfortunately I think it is best you husband tells her and if the kids won’t be in contact with her then that can be just before they go back. I agree let him deal with her stupidity if it comes and ask him not tell you.

I really do empathise with having to share your personal news with someone who you know won’t be happy for you and will try and use it against you.

Thank you!!

This is exactly what I was thinking, I never had a problem with the kids telling her I just never understood why she was such a priority for us to tell, we're not friends and she hasn't treated us with any respect or courtesy over the years, so it's hard to be the 'bigger person' and then give her that courtesy.

Really good point too about her regulating emotions so that her own children can have a conversation with her.

I also always remember my DH being a bit after a drop off once when she gave him random parts of an old broken pram and said 'you might need this one day' it was really sarcastic and in such an arsey tone. It was all very strange and we were never sure whether she was fishing for information or just trying to get rid of her old rubbish. I think my husband just said to mind her own business then and he's get rid of it.

Thank you for understanding, it can feel quite lonely sometimes dealing with this as we don't really know anyone 'in real life' that is in any sort of similar situation, so it is nice to know that it's not just us and that someone else does get how I'm feeling.

Of course you tell their mother. She is their mother and there to support her children. The children may be happy but there will always be questions they have that they WILL ask their mother about. They also may not be entirely happy and rely on her for support. This woman will always be in your life whether you like it or not.
You are creating a massive drama at what should be a happy time. Just send a text informing her out if curtesy otherwise you really are as bad as each other

For me it's nothing to do with courtesy. It's do do with the kids not having to tell her. If you can tell the kids when you've told them that dad has let mum know then that's one less concern for them.

The mother should support her kids regardless of where she hears the news. The only thing that connects you is through the children and as they age that connection becomes less and less and the kids get more independent. Your not going to consult the ex when the kids are 20 something. So the notion of "in your life forevermore" is utter crap you'll bump onto each other at sporadic family events as the years go by and that's it.

Who tells her is not important, likely it will be the kids. She is an adult and should have capacity to plant a smile on her face and say "that's lovely news, how do you feel about it?"

OP, yes she's the mum to the kids but she isn't mum to your baby or involved in your family expanding. She doesn't have a goldern uterus, she doesn't hold some highly covered position in your husbands life .Her knowing and by whom isn't something to concern yourself with and if she's not on the list to tell personally then thats fine and 100% your choice which you have EVERY right to make.

How about something like

"Hi ex - just to circumvent any awkwardness I want to let you know that we have just shared the happy news that ggs is pregnant with the SGKs - they are thrilled as are we!!

I empathise but she does obviously need to be put in the picture at a similar time to the kids. Otherwise she will blow up at not being told or finding out through her kids. (These volatile types don't need much excuse to blow up ahem). Someone suggested the strategy earlier of telling the kids when they're with you and then contacting her later in the day. I think that's a good idea. It fills her in but you get to field their questions and reassure them first before she has the chance to upset her kids with any poison or twisting things.

As for her being intrusive and asking questions or poking around where she has no business, you and hubby just need really strong boundaries. Only share on a need to know (i.e affects the kids) basis. If she asks things that aren't relevant then just cut her off and don't tell her. The woman has to learn that this is not about her and she needs to get a life and move on with hers. She's making an idiot of herself. You've been together years. Time she put her big girl pants on and got over it.

As your DH says, tell the children then tell her immediately so she also hears it from you not from the children.

Why is it so important she hears it from DH?

Why is it so terrible if her own children tell her?

The children could (quite possibly wrongly) worry that the information will be upsetting to their mother. Burdening children with passing on ‘bad’ (at least in their immature brains) news, is wildly unfair.

It really isn't fair to expect the kids to act as go betweens around the adults.

Dad needs to send a brief factual message and no one needs to engage beyond this.

But the kids caused none of this and shouldn't be left to manage the adults and their feelings.

So we must always shelter kids from telling their parent anything we or they perceive the parent won't like. Sounds crazy to me and unrealistic.

They are telling their mum that they are getting another sibling. The family has been separated for a large amount of time it's their normal.

The mum should be grown up enough to handle getting this message from her kids and kids should have a good enough relationship with their mother to tell her the news. They can't only tell her things she will like , life doesn't work like that???

If that isn't the case that's the ex's problem not OP's who has the right to enjoy her pregnancy and not care about the ex's feelings on the matter.

It is responsibility of the existing co-parent, in this case dad.
A decent parent doesn't shovel hard conversations onto dc to deal with and to be fair to dad he doesn't seem to be showing any inclination to do this.
It is step-mum's responsibility or the dcs.

The only difference being that the parents are the adults and the children are ... children, and shouldn't be made to conduct business that their adults can't be adult enough to do.

It isn't the responsibility of step- mum or dc.