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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Do I go to sports day

158 replies

Partnerhasboys · 03/06/2023 07:45

I have been in my partners children's life for nearly 2 years.

Their mother doesn't like me full stop. If there father is on facetime, she will hold the phone and I am not allowed to speak. She recently went to school to stop the boys being added to the pictures on Facebook as I liked one.

Sports day is approaching and I would like to attend with my partner. The boys attend the same school. My partner would like me to go. I want to support them and start to be apart of their wider life. I attend foodball games already.

My concern is their mum. How to handle this. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SeasonFinale · 03/06/2023 07:50

Yes there is simply no reason why you cannot attend sports day with your partner to support his kids and enjoy the event. It is a long term relationship you are in. Your not a new gf who may be gone next week.

I would understand if it were a play where say only 2 tickets per child are allocated but sports day is generally open to all and has younger siblings and grandparents and all sorts. It will be easy to be lost in the crowd and she will have to get over herself of she has an issue with it.

When I used to go to sports days there were always parents there with new (as in different to ex) partners.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 03/06/2023 07:50

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This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was posted by a previously bas

MintJulia · 03/06/2023 07:52

What do your step DC's want? It's their sports day.

Personally I wouldn't go. Why antagonise the mother? And it may leave the boys feeling awkward and stuck in the middle, and they don't want all that drama in front of their friends.

It isn't as if they live with you full time, you aren't their dad's wife and less than two years is hardly a long relationship.

MeridianB · 03/06/2023 07:53

How old are the boys and what do they want?

If you live with DP and spend a lot of time helping to care for the boys and they have asked you to go then I can see why you want to go.

Otherwise, is it really worth the risk of a big drama in front of the boys, their friends and teachers? Sports Day really isn’t worth it.

Isthisexpected · 03/06/2023 07:54

If they live with you full time and want you to go then I would. Otherwise I would not want their sports day to become about you.

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 07:54

I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself. Why? My DH goes to all their school stuff by himself or with their mum. Why after not even 2 years have you got yourself so involved with the kids school life?

If mum isn't keen on the kids pictures being on Facebook that's a perfectly normal thing to not want.

I mean if the kids want you there I don't see why you shouldn't go but I'm surprised your DH is so keen for you to be there if I'm honest. Is mum going? Often these things are limited to two adults per child so you'd have to check this first.

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 03/06/2023 07:55

I don't think you need to go, sounds like it'll antagonise a situation for no reason. Sports day can just be mum and dad there, no reason to overcomplicate if.

nahwhale · 03/06/2023 07:56

Also personally I think its great that my DH & his ex go to these things alone or together. The focus is on the kids and they are the parents not me. It is good for the kids to know their parents work together on these things.

SunnyFrost · 03/06/2023 07:58

I absolutely don’t think you should go. Sports day and school events are for parents - it’s really inappropriate for you to try and insert yourself into things like that when you’re the dad’s (not even that long term) girlfriend and not even a step parent. Kids want their parents there, and parents deserve to be able to go to their child’s school event in peace - it’s not the time or place for trying to assert your perceived position.

Back off and let the parents parent. I really struggle to believe this is about you actually wanting to watch the sports day, sorry.

SunnyFrost · 03/06/2023 08:02

Oh and you liking a picture from the kids school on Facebook makes me think you must have followed their school’s page…..?! Sorry if I’m barking up the wrong tree but if you did that then it’s psycho territory - as a mum, if my exes new gf started doing stuff like that I would be appalled, freaked out, and do exactly what she did and try and cut off your access to stuff that PARENTS should be seeing.

SunnySaturdayinJune · 03/06/2023 08:02

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This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was posted by a previously bas

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 03/06/2023 08:03

If the mum will also be there then I don't think you should go.

I do think it's a bit weird that you follow the school and liked a picture on FB to be honest.

It sounds like you're pretty involved when your partner has them, there's absolutely no need for you to also be involved in their school life too.

They already have two parents who love and support them, they don't need another adult there who's presence will do nothing but antagonise their mum.

Beamur · 03/06/2023 08:04

Thing is, as a step parent you don't get do all the same things as parents do. It has to be driven by what's best for the children, not what any of the adults want..
You know this will upset their Mum.
That could have consequences for the co-parenting situation.
Personally I wouldn't go just yet.
I never went to any sports day and certainly no parents evening. I went along to one Christmas concert because seats were not restricted.
Be tactful and respect some boundaries. It might be different in a year or two.

RudsyFarmer · 03/06/2023 08:05

I would do the thing that doesn’t cause drama.

MiddleParking · 03/06/2023 08:05

I wouldn’t have thought ‘nearly’ (aka not) two years is attending sports day territory tbh. I’m not a MN step parent hater but I think hating your relatively new boyfriend “leaving you” to go to events related to his children isn’t a great sign.

Ragwort · 03/06/2023 08:09

Agree with others, it's just not appropriate to go (apart from the fact that it's the most boring, tedious afternoon ever). The DC have two parents, you need to respect boundaries. It's not 'all about what you want'. And why does your DP want you there, surely he should be focussing on his DC not wanting to parade a girl friend.

Years ago when I was young and foolish I attended something similar with a boyfriend... it was excruciatingly embarrassing...people knew his ex wife and although they were icily polite to me I immediately realised my mistake .... it was over 30 years ago and I can still remember the embarrassment.

tatteddear · 03/06/2023 08:10

It's tricky as there needs to be some sensitivity to the kids mum and the general situation )and I say this as both a Mum whose children's dad has a girlfriend and a step mum myself) but equally, unless you were the OW or wronged the mum in some way, it's not reasonable for her to control you being part of their lives when they are with their dad and when inevitably there are events such as this, which overlap.

On balance if the kids want you there then go but be a bit low profile if you can. Maybe go after the beginning, leave before the end. No ridiculous PDA with the dad or the kids etc etc.

The mum needs to see that it's not so awful that you are there and there for her kids but baby steps might be necessary here.

Don't do want my exh and my ex friend did after their affair was discovered, ie stand on the touch line of our mutual children's football match between me and her children's dad, holding hands and kissing and talking to anyone we all vaguely knew loudly as if everything was perfectly normal.That sort of thing doesn't, in my experience, help.

QueenCremant · 03/06/2023 08:13

I am divorced and I would find it weird if exh partner followed and liked posts of our dc school. Just as I would find it weird if my partner did it.
Unless the dc have specifically requested you to be there at sports day then do not go.
You have been in their life for less than 2 years. You do not need to insert yourself in every area of their life.
If mum is actively involved in school life and has friends there then you’re just stepping into her territory and it’s not fair. It’s hard enough seeing another person involved in your kids life at all, never mind them being involved in things like sports day.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/06/2023 08:14

. I sometimes hate when my partner has to leave me to attend events himself.

Why? he's a grown up and they're his kids. Not yours. You're a girlfriend not a step mum. You don't need to go to sports day as the kids have their two parents there, doing so will only annoy their mum and in turn, won't cause anyone to enjoy sports day.

Ragwort · 03/06/2023 08:15

The fact that you 'hate it' if your DP does things without you with his DC is rather worrying, you sound needy and insecure - are you very young? Haven't your got your own interests and friends, why do you need to be 'together' all the time.

Lkgcsr · 03/06/2023 08:16

I’ve been in this situation and I’ve always chosen the way that leads to the least conflict/ bad atmosphere for my DSD which is what this comes under. It’s not fair on your DSC to cause an atmosphere which they will pick up on even at this kind of event. I think you need to pick your battles and this is not one that is worth it.

Sirzy · 03/06/2023 08:17

Sad that there is no mention of what the children want. Seems it’s about the parents/step parents feelings above all.

unless the children really want you there then stay away, don’t cause aggro.

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/06/2023 08:18

Personally I’d say don’t go. Given there is animosity between you and his ex it’s probably best for the children to avoid the potential blow up.

Ideally you would go along, you’d all get on and the children would have 3 people cheering them on. That’s clearly not going to happen though, so in this situation I’d step back and let just the parents go so the children have a positive sports day.

You also need to get used to your partner attending events without you. That was the one part of your op that raised questions for me? Why do you feel you should go to everything with him?

Ragwort · 03/06/2023 08:19

The fact that you phrase it 'I sometimes hate it when DP has to leave me to attend events' is odd ... if my DH goes to watch our DS play a match or whatever I don't say 'he is leaving me' ... it's just a choice of how he spends an afternoon/day and I get to choose how to spend my time. . Don't become co- dependent or enmeshed with your DP.
My DH is away visiting friends this weekend .. he hasn't 'left me' ... he is catching up with old friends. And I am loving having a weekend on my own.

BelindaBears · 03/06/2023 08:22

You’re making it about you and it should be about the DC. If it’s going to cause drama/upset/embarrassment then I absolutely would not go.

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