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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
Fannehflaps · 07/05/2023 08:19

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

The audacity 😂😂 yes, you should definitely go through CMS🤔you’ll get a lot less than you’re getting now. As for trying to take the step mothers money… you and the dad have financial responsibility over YOUR child, not her. Nice try though you greedy little goat. Try working full time instead of sponging.

Original poster
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:19

I have asked MN to remove this post as it seems I have my answer and maybe I have been a bit unreasonable

My daughter seems to like her and since I had a shitty step mother growing up who is complete bitch so side by side I can see some of the good she's done but she had overstepped in the past. My ex was a crap dad and partner and his wife has always been polite to me and actually treated me with respect . Not like my ex, he seems to be on his best behaviour with her but she will see it soon.

And yes I am fucking jealous he cheated on me with various women was shitty dad and suddenly he's swanned off into the sunset with this women who is earning more than I ever could.

Thank you to all the posters who have at least answered my question. I issues with my MH and my ex has always been generous with money because he fucked up. I didn't realise CMS would give me less.

OP posts:
Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 08:21

On £21k to be giving way over CMS and very substantial proportion of his income… he wasn’t that crap!!

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:21

Is this a joke?? You are being completely fucking unreasonable.

You have absolutely no right to a penny from his wife. It is not "unfair" that they "get" to treat your daughter, your daughter is very lucky that she happens to have a very generous step mother who is treating her and giving her money she has absolutely no entitlement to. By all means, try and sabotage that by trying to demand she gives money to you too, but you won't get any and it may sour the cushty deal your DD has with her at the moment.

If I was earning 21k a year, I could not afford to pay you £500 a month, so you would be stupid to push it. If this thread is real, it's bloody infuriating.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:23

I have asked MN to remove this post as it seems I have my answer and maybe I have been a bit unreasonable

More than a fucking bit mate, you are being extremely unreasonable.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:24

MayThe4th · 07/05/2023 08:15

Didn’t the whole household income used to be taken into account for child maintenance?

I used to work with someone about 25 years ago whose husband was being pursued for maintenance and at that time they were taking her income into account as he was off work on long term sick.

So she quit her job.

I know it’s not taken into account now, but I’m sure it used to be?

I wouldn’t quit my job in that situation I’d separate from my husband though - on the basis that subsidising his parasitic ex is not something I’d be willing to do. I wouldn’t compromise my own income to avoid being lumbered with the financial consequences of his mistakes.

If my DS told me he’d snooped to find out what his SM’s salary is, I’d be having very strong words with him about boundaries and privacy. It’s not ok to read her mail.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:25

Personally I think the entire household income shod be included in maintenance, but it isn’t so that’s that unfortunately.

😂 Of course you do, classic Tandora.

TidyDancer · 07/05/2023 08:25

Omg if this actually is real it's incredible!

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:25

I hope MN refuse to remove this just because you’re embarrassed that everyone thinks you’re being unreasonable (and grasping).

AutumnCrow · 07/05/2023 08:26

Well this thread is going to get zapped one way or another, that's for sure.

I wonder what type of person would possibly come on MN and attempt to perpetuate the greedy ExW trope?

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 08:28

All made up
OP is chuckling to herself

but the reality is… in RL the Op just lead a pretty crappy life if she gets her kicks from doing this! I’m imaging her in a drafty studio, alone and no friends

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:28

MayThe4th · 07/05/2023 08:15

Didn’t the whole household income used to be taken into account for child maintenance?

I used to work with someone about 25 years ago whose husband was being pursued for maintenance and at that time they were taking her income into account as he was off work on long term sick.

So she quit her job.

I know it’s not taken into account now, but I’m sure it used to be?

It really should be.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:31

Tbh, I wouldn’t be confident this was a woman’s shit stirring fantasy.

MayThe4th · 07/05/2023 08:31

Thing is this thread is like a bingo card isn’t it?

Cheating ex, check
child with SN, check
new rich wife, check
menh
tal health difficul
ties.bingo.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:33

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:25

Personally I think the entire household income shod be included in maintenance, but it isn’t so that’s that unfortunately.

😂 Of course you do, classic Tandora.

Oh no , not you 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Ok for example- His child with new wife is calculated as part of his expenditure (which reduces payments) , but the income that is available to support that child is not taken into account. How is that fair? Total double standard.

The fact that he is married, undoubtedly reduces his costs and increases his available expenditure. No too ways about it. That’s why benefit entitlements are lost when you being another income in.

TheCrystalPalace · 07/05/2023 08:33

"this women who is earning more than I ever could."

Well, perhaps she's working full-time instead of "having time off for me" as you prefer.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:33

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:33

Oh no , not you 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Ok for example- His child with new wife is calculated as part of his expenditure (which reduces payments) , but the income that is available to support that child is not taken into account. How is that fair? Total double standard.

The fact that he is married, undoubtedly reduces his costs and increases his available expenditure. No too ways about it. That’s why benefit entitlements are lost when you being another income in.

Show quote history

*two ways

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:33

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:28

It really should be.

Show quote history

Why?

There is absolutely no reason that it should be.

My DS’s SM probably has a decent salary. I can think of no reason why it should be taken into account in determining her partner’s CM payments. Even though I’d personally benefit, I would not want to force another woman to subsidise my household. That’s unacceptable. Her money is her money.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:37

@Tandora not me? You're the one constantly around to support threads that are so outlandish everybody thinks they're a troll.

What you are saying is completely ridiculous. The money available to him if his wife chooses to support him is not his to spend.

Original poster
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:37

@Tandora my friend implied that because they were married that it was the case and I should get on it. I get it already I'm wrong.

Have any of you got teenagers they are expensive ?

My ex hasn't said his wife is paying into maintenance we currently get from him. I had joint finances with him and it all went into one pot so I assumed that's what would happen here. Isn't that what most normal families do ?

No it's not a reverse 🙄 I wanted to find out if what my friend was true.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:38

HIS youngest child is his child. Of course that will affect his financial contributions.

The tiny amount CM is reduced for stepchildren should probably be removed from the system. That’s indefensible really and based on ridiculous patriarchal assumptions.

But it’s no justification for making women pay for other women’s households.

MayThe4th · 07/05/2023 08:38

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:28

It really should be.

Show quote history

if the new household’s costs should be taken into account for maintenance then how much maintenance you receive should be taken into account for benefits entitlement.

No? Didn’t think so.

My DC is grown up now but the idea that ex’s new partner’s income should be take into account so that I could have more is ridiculous. And what happens then if the ex marries someone rich, should they be allowed to grasp of the new wife’s salary as well?

TBH I don’t even agree that the whole household income should be taken into account when calculating child benefit if we’re talking a step parent situation.

My ex’s new partner lost her entitlement to child benefit when she moved in with him despite the fact that she wasn’t his child. How is that fair?

He clearly has taken financial responsibility for her child but he shouldn’t have to to the extent that she lost out on child benefit. What if he’d been financially controlling and she’d relied on that money? He isn’t, but there will almost certainly be men who are.

And if her salary isn’t taken into account when calculating maintenance (and quite rightly so), then taking his salary into account when calculating her entitlement to child benefit for her own child shouldn’t be either.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:38

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:33

Why?

There is absolutely no reason that it should be.

My DS’s SM probably has a decent salary. I can think of no reason why it should be taken into account in determining her partner’s CM payments. Even though I’d personally benefit, I would not want to force another woman to subsidise my household. That’s unacceptable. Her money is her money.

Show quote history

Because CMS calculations are meant to be done on the basis of how much you can afford to pay taking into account available income / minus certain core expenditure (eg having another child, pension payments). Why do you think the government stops personal entitlements to benefits when a partner moves in? Sake principle.

Yousee · 07/05/2023 08:39

If he's earning 21k and has the child so often I can guarantee that his wife is already subsidising you and your child to the tune of thousands of pounds per year.
If you are serious about this thread then I cordially invite you to join the rest of us back on planet earth where parents are expected to support their own children.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:40

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:37

@Tandora my friend implied that because they were married that it was the case and I should get on it. I get it already I'm wrong.

Have any of you got teenagers they are expensive ?

My ex hasn't said his wife is paying into maintenance we currently get from him. I had joint finances with him and it all went into one pot so I assumed that's what would happen here. Isn't that what most normal families do ?

No it's not a reverse 🙄 I wanted to find out if what my friend was true.

Their household income is not something you’re entitled to. Whether they pool things or not.

His maintenance for your children is based only on his contributions. And obviously he should be contributing to his youngest too.

Loads of us have teenagers. Do you know what we do to pay for them? Work.