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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 07/05/2023 08:04

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 07:50

I mean this is clearly made up, but you are of course being unreasonable.

Could be a reverse. It's certainly an interesting post.

YABVVVU and have no rights to any of SM earnings.

Nattertatter03 · 07/05/2023 08:04

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

you will lose money. Your being unreasonable.

if you threaten no contact he will simply take you to court and get 50~/50 as judges take a dim view of £ being held over child contact

Calculate your child maintenance

Use this calculator to work out an amount of child maintenance for your children.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

TidyDancer · 07/05/2023 08:04

This is the most obvious reverse I have seen in ages.

People don't like this OP. Just rewrite your post at the stepmother you obviously are and get on with it.

Reugny · 07/05/2023 08:04

BallandBoe · 07/05/2023 08:02

Are you not actually listening to a word people are saying??

If you go to CMS, you will LOSE £320 a month from your ex.

But pretty sure this isn't real.

Show quote history

It's gonna be a shit show in 5 years time when the OP gets no money.

When people write threads like this they should think about when the child becomes an adult.

Ladysquamy · 07/05/2023 08:05

With a teenage child you should be working full time. If he's paying 500 a month, she already is contributing to you, because he's on a very low salary.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/05/2023 08:05

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/05/2023 08:01

If you go to CMS, you're likely to get significantly less money. You can't withhold contact and you can't expect his partner to contribute. To be fair, with the £500 a month, she probably is already contributing.

I've just both salaries separately through the CMS calculator, results monthly...

£65000 - £306.20
£21000 - £106.36

Even if you were entitled to maintenance off her, you'd still be getting less

Normalmumandwife · 07/05/2023 08:05

I'm also assuming this is fake...but if not, what has your ex's wife's salary got to do with you or supporting your daughter?

Frankly if you applied via CMS you would probably get didly squat after shared care and his new child reduces the small amount you would get from his salary

SalmonEile · 07/05/2023 08:06

TidyDancer · 07/05/2023 08:04

This is the most obvious reverse I have seen in ages.

People don't like this OP. Just rewrite your post at the stepmother you obviously are and get on with it.

My thoughts exactly.

ohfook · 07/05/2023 08:08

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:00

Right fine I will go to CMS. I haven't dealt with them before so I don't know.

This seems a bit made up but just in case it isn't don't go to cms because you'll end up with less money than you're currently getting.

BillyNoM8s · 07/05/2023 08:09

If this is real, you're demented. If it's a reverse, they're annoying.

Good luck with CMS Smile

AutumnCrow · 07/05/2023 08:09

Curtains70 · 07/05/2023 07:55

Who gets up on a Sunday morning and thinks oh I know I will write a completely made up thread on Mumsnet?

We've had some blokes from other sites winding up posters for a while now.

BillyNoM8s · 07/05/2023 08:09

ohfook · 07/05/2023 08:08

This seems a bit made up but just in case it isn't don't go to cms because you'll end up with less money than you're currently getting.

Show quote history

No no, let her go. Grabby mare.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 07/05/2023 08:10

There is a CMS online calculator OP, use it before you do anything stupid. The wifes earnings are never taken into account so you will most likely lose money plus ruin your relationship with her.

bingbangbongding · 07/05/2023 08:10

A) if he is on 21k he wouldn't be paying £500 a month and still having the kid 50/50
B) his new wife's salary isn't counted in the calc.
C) any kids he has with her will have his payment reduced

throwaway201809 · 07/05/2023 08:11

This has to be a reverse right?

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 08:11

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it
with good reason and the only reasonable statement you say

Whataninsight · 07/05/2023 08:12

Op is the new wife on £65k

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:13

Personally I think the entire household income shod be included in maintenance, but it isn’t so that’s that unfortunately.
You are getting 500£ a month for 4/7 nights which is over three times what you will be awarded if you go to CMS. You will be very foolish to spoil relations this way.
Sorry you are struggling. If so, You need to work full time . Everyone would like more time off, but we have to work - that’s the way it is. If your ex has your dd every weekend and she is at school in the week, you already get a lot of time off. Also she’s 13, hardly high maintenance

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:14

Is this a reverse? It has to be.

Terrible idea. Reverses are not ok.

If so, OP, you are not financially responsible for you stepdaughter. Her mother can take some financial responsibility for her own children and be grateful that her ex pays way over the odds in CM (about 1/3 of his net income, despite having them every single weekend, plus doing tea during the week).

She can go to CMS. The calculation will NOT take your salary into account at all. There’s no way to attach your earnings to it. It’s his liability on his salary alone. The calculation will be FAR lower than £500 a month.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 07/05/2023 08:14

The new wife is already subsiding you. There is no way your ex could afford to be paying you £500 pcm on his own. You need to work more hours.

MayThe4th · 07/05/2023 08:15

Didn’t the whole household income used to be taken into account for child maintenance?

I used to work with someone about 25 years ago whose husband was being pursued for maintenance and at that time they were taking her income into account as he was off work on long term sick.

So she quit her job.

I know it’s not taken into account now, but I’m sure it used to be?

MaryJanesonabreak · 07/05/2023 08:16

You need to stop thinking about your ex and how much he has and start thinking about how you can improve your own life.
As they say: comparison is the thief of joy.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 07/05/2023 08:16

Going to CMS will leave you far far worse off. They will definitely not include your ex’s wife’s salary. There is no way at all to do this. Your friend is wrong.

And on a salary of £21,000, with a baby and the number of nights he has your DD, you would be looking at less than half the £500 he is paying now.

Your friend is also wholly misguided to suggest you stop contact. Your ex would go to court and get it reinstated and might even get residence of your DD; as he could say you had not prioritised her emotional needs by withholding contact.

You are letting envy and a goady friend get in the way of sensible decision making. The only way to improve your financial situation is through more hours at work or a change in career.

Dollyparton3 · 07/05/2023 08:16

This sounds like a parody but sadly these people are real. A year into my relationship with my now DH, when we didn't live together his exw asked for my salary to be taken into account in maintenance payments. I was earning a six figure salary with no kids and she worked part time with two teenagers.

OP you'll find that CMS will reduce your ex's maintenance expectations dramatically based on his low salary and the presence of another child in his household. Good luck finding full time work. Maybe one day if you work hard enough you too can earn £65k and laugh at the maintenance request of another woman who's children you didn't give birth to

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:17

Personally I think the entire household income shod be included in maintenance, but it isn’t so that’s that unfortunately.

why?

Why should a new partner be financially responsible for contributing to her partner’s ex’s household?

The children’s parents should accept that their children are their financial responsibility. And theirs alone.

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