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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.

AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:41

I also asked because as my daughter wants to go to uni but by friend the wife's income would been taken into account when applying for funding and she would get less and that seems unfair given the circumstances.

I assume then this is also untrue ?

OP posts:
Necrotic · 07/05/2023 08:42

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:41

I also asked because as my daughter wants to go to uni but by friend the wife's income would been taken into account when applying for funding and she would get less and that seems unfair given the circumstances.

I assume then this is also untrue ?

that might actually be true, uni funding is very unfair

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:43

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:37

@Tandora my friend implied that because they were married that it was the case and I should get on it. I get it already I'm wrong.

Have any of you got teenagers they are expensive ?

My ex hasn't said his wife is paying into maintenance we currently get from him. I had joint finances with him and it all went into one pot so I assumed that's what would happen here. Isn't that what most normal families do ?

No it's not a reverse 🙄 I wanted to find out if what my friend was true.

Couples often put all their money into one pot when all of their expenditures are joint ventures they are each responsible for. When one of them has a child and a grabby ex they need to send money to, people often make smarter decisions than that, because they are not a couple that only has joint responsibilities.

Would you give 20% of your income to somebody else's kid?

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:43

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:37

@Tandora not me? You're the one constantly around to support threads that are so outlandish everybody thinks they're a troll.

What you are saying is completely ridiculous. The money available to him if his wife chooses to support him is not his to spend.

So why does the government stop personal benefits payments when a partner moves in then? Does it not significant reduce household costs?

im not sure why you are getting out of personally attacking me. I post a lot on mumsnet, so apparently do you.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:43

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:38

Because CMS calculations are meant to be done on the basis of how much you can afford to pay taking into account available income / minus certain core expenditure (eg having another child, pension payments). Why do you think the government stops personal entitlements to benefits when a partner moves in? Sake principle.

Show quote history

No.

Because benefits calculations are not the same as household income for child maintenance.

Benefits are paid to the household by the government. Child maintenance is a responsibility of non resident parents to contribute to a household they used to be part of.

It’s got nothing to do with new partners. The contribute to their own households.

Original poster
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:45

@Necrotic so it's not taken into account for maintenance or the cost of raising a child.
Since my daughter wants to go to uni and suddenly it is ?

How is that right.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:46

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:43

So why does the government stop personal benefits payments when a partner moves in then? Does it not significant reduce household costs?

im not sure why you are getting out of personally attacking me. I post a lot on mumsnet, so apparently do you.

Show quote history

Benefits are paid TO the household.

This is entirely irrelevant to child maintenance. Child maintenance is not a household expense. It’s a personal expense for a nonresident parent.

That’s why UC doesn’t ask about CM liabilities in calculating entitlement. They don’t get more because he has to pay maintenance to his ex. And she doesn’t get less because he is paying her £500 a month.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:46

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:37

@Tandora my friend implied that because they were married that it was the case and I should get on it. I get it already I'm wrong.

Have any of you got teenagers they are expensive ?

My ex hasn't said his wife is paying into maintenance we currently get from him. I had joint finances with him and it all went into one pot so I assumed that's what would happen here. Isn't that what most normal families do ?

No it's not a reverse 🙄 I wanted to find out if what my friend was true.

Have any of you got teenagers they are expensive

I know that they are expensive, sorry, that comment was in relation to you saying you can’t work full time because as a mum you need “time off”. Your child is 13, in school everyday and spends weekends at dads. You really need to work full time if you are struggling financially.

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:47

So why does the government stop personal benefits payments when a partner moves in then? Does it not significant reduce household costs?

Two wrongs do not make a right. I don't think they should but regardless, it doesn't mean step parents incomes should factor into maintenance.

im not sure why you are getting out of personally attacking me. I post a lot on mumsnet, so apparently do you.

I'm not personally attacking you. You share your absolutely ridiculous views on the step parenting board, and I point out that they are absolutely ridiculous.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:47

University funding is stupid. But that’s also irrelevant. Especially since your DD will get the full loan entitlement on the basis that you refuse to work.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:50

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:46

Benefits are paid TO the household.

This is entirely irrelevant to child maintenance. Child maintenance is not a household expense. It’s a personal expense for a nonresident parent.

That’s why UC doesn’t ask about CM liabilities in calculating entitlement. They don’t get more because he has to pay maintenance to his ex. And she doesn’t get less because he is paying her £500 a month.

Show quote history

Well that just says it all- that this should be that way.

CMS should be considered a household benefit as other benefits are. Its. For. The. Children. It’s not a jolly stipend for women to get their nails done and put their legs up, it’s to fund basic household needs for their children. So frigging sexist. 😡
Anyways I’m out now as I have small children to look after and can’t spend my life arguing with people on mumsnet.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:50

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:50

Well that just says it all- that this should be that way.

CMS should be considered a household benefit as other benefits are. Its. For. The. Children. It’s not a jolly stipend for women to get their nails done and put their legs up, it’s to fund basic household needs for their children. So frigging sexist. 😡
Anyways I’m out now as I have small children to look after and can’t spend my life arguing with people on mumsnet.

Show quote history

that it should be justified* that way

Necrotic · 07/05/2023 08:50

My husbands income was taken into account when my son went to uni and he’s not his dad. His actual dad’s income was also counted

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:51

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:50

Well that just says it all- that this should be that way.

CMS should be considered a household benefit as other benefits are. Its. For. The. Children. It’s not a jolly stipend for women to get their nails done and put their legs up, it’s to fund basic household needs for their children. So frigging sexist. 😡
Anyways I’m out now as I have small children to look after and can’t spend my life arguing with people on mumsnet.

Show quote history

misogynistic would have been a better word than sexist

Skyblue92 · 07/05/2023 08:51

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:45

@Necrotic so it's not taken into account for maintenance or the cost of raising a child.
Since my daughter wants to go to uni and suddenly it is ?

How is that right.

its not, her income will not be taken into account. See the link I posted. It will be your income and your income alone. They would only take her income into account of dd lived with them

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 08:51

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:46

Have any of you got teenagers they are expensive

I know that they are expensive, sorry, that comment was in relation to you saying you can’t work full time because as a mum you need “time off”. Your child is 13, in school everyday and spends weekends at dads. You really need to work full time if you are struggling financially.

Show quote history

Loads of mothers of toddlers work FT. Even more mothers of teenagers do.

Single mothers too. Some whose exes don’t pay maintenance or see their children.

Sometimes they work more than one job. My mum worked FT as a teacher and did hours of private tutoring every day (after work and at the weekend) when I was a teenager so she could pay her bills.

If you are struggling because you won’t work FT, you need to earn more not find someone else to subsidise you.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:51

Necrotic · 07/05/2023 08:50

My husbands income was taken into account when my son went to uni and he’s not his dad. His actual dad’s income was also counted

Another example here of the double standard

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:53

Well that just says it all- that this should be that way.

Says what? Are you seriously trying to tell us you think it's wrong to say that his children are his personal expense?

Skyblue92 · 07/05/2023 08:54

Necrotic · 07/05/2023 08:50

My husbands income was taken into account when my son went to uni and he’s not his dad. His actual dad’s income was also counted

husband income was right as you live together, dads income shouldn’t have counted as this is what Sfe say ‘If you’re separated or divorced, your child should tell us who they live with or have most contact with. If they spend an equal amount of time with both of their parents, they’ll be asked to pick who will support their application’ although appreciate may be different in other parts of uK

Beamur · 07/05/2023 08:56

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 08:45

@Necrotic so it's not taken into account for maintenance or the cost of raising a child.
Since my daughter wants to go to uni and suddenly it is ?

How is that right.

Because it suits the Government.
It's pretty unfair on both the kids and the SP.
Make sure your main residence for any application for university funding is from your least earning household or the amount you can borrow is reduced.

bluepen12 · 07/05/2023 09:00

Op, you can also find and marry partner who is well off.
You can find yourself a full time job, progress and and earn well.

£500 is way above what CMS would calculate so yes, if you go through them you will be worse off.
I can't believe the level of entitlement in your post. Finances in blended families are often separate for this very reason.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 09:00

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:51

misogynistic would have been a better word than sexist

Show quote history

Child maintenance is NOT a benefit.

Tandora · 07/05/2023 09:00

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2023 08:53

Well that just says it all- that this should be that way.

Says what? Are you seriously trying to tell us you think it's wrong to say that his children are his personal expense?

did you read my post? I said it’s wrong that child support should be considered a “personal benefit” to the NRP.
Furthermore the distinction the pp was making was bollocks anyway if you look at the full range of benefits that are reduced / changed/ stopped when a partner moves in.

SquidwardBound · 07/05/2023 09:02

Tandora · 07/05/2023 08:51

Another example here of the double standard

Show quote history

That’s not a double standard.

It’s the stupidity of student finance being based on assumptions around nuclear families.

In a stepfamily the income should not be at any household level. It should be the child’s parents’ combined income.