My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Step-parenting

CMS and step family

318 replies

tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:45

I have NC for this post as I don't want my family to see it

I have one DD13 and split up with my ex when she was 3. Relations between me and my ex aren't great but got bit better since he remarried as his new wife and I get on alright with her.

He pays £500 per month and has her every Friday to Monday plus a evening or two for dinner in the week. He's not a high earner about 21k a year so we came to this arrangement privately which is fine as it tops up my benefits but money is tight and I can't up my hours at work (I'm part time) because then I get sanctioned on my benefits and I like having time off for me which as a mum I think is fair.

About 6 months ago my daughter told me that my ex's new wife is on a giant salary £65,000 a year ! My Dd found a work letter lying around addressed to his new wife and yes she shouldn't have snooped but teenagers are like that and it shouldn't have been left out so didn't tell my dd off for it.

It just really fucks me off that I'm stuck in a rented shitty flat while my ex lives in a massive house with new family and they are raking it in, playing happy families.

My friend said I should text my ex to say that maintenance needs to go up to include his new wife's salary and say that if he doesn't comply I will go to CMS and get her earnings attached or stop contact until he can provide for his daughter .

I know he will say they have just had a baby but that was his choice and I shouldn't suffer because of that. When we first split we agreed that we wouldn't have more kids so that we can put all of our time and energy into our DD and he's gone and done this so I don't have time for his selfishness or pity party.

The snag is his new wife is very nice to my DD has bought her whatever she needs or wants and always checks with me first before she does things, includes her in everything. Something my ex never did and it used to fuck me off.
Since they are now married and had another child she's clearly not going anywhere I think she has a financial responsibility to pay for DD now she's officially her "step mother".

She clearly does too as she was putting money in DD bank account for my daughter to spend. I have raised this with my ex before and got nowhere. I don't want her to suddenly stop being generous to my daughter but we actually could do with the money to pay for bills food and my daughter doesn't need the money. And it's not fair that they get to spoil my daughter and do lots of holidays trips away with her and I can't and I look like this shit parent.

I'm really struggling with costs going up and they both have helped me with bills in the past but I want something more regular in place so we don't have to scrap by or ask. I think his wife would be sympathetic if I explained it to her but I want to know my rights in case she digs her heels in.


AIBU

OP posts:
Report
fluckityfluckfluck · 07/05/2023 07:46

Yes you are being massively unreasonable

Report
isthewashingdryyet · 07/05/2023 07:48

Surprised you are not already sanctioned as I thought once the kids are secondary you are expected to work full time.

you are unreasonable

Report
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:49

I don't see why. Everyone is struggling but not them

OP posts:
Report
DustyLee123 · 07/05/2023 07:50

YABVU

Report
Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 07:50

I mean this is clearly made up, but you are of course being unreasonable.

Report
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:50

@isthewashingdryyet my daughter had additional needs.

OP posts:
Report
BellaJuno · 07/05/2023 07:52

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 07:50

I mean this is clearly made up, but you are of course being unreasonable.

Yep, 100% this. Far too many goady triggers and now the drip-feed begins 🙄

Report
Gensola · 07/05/2023 07:53

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Report
Hedonism · 07/05/2023 07:53

Oysterbabe · 07/05/2023 07:50

I mean this is clearly made up, but you are of course being unreasonable.

Yes, this.

Report
tiredofthegrind · 07/05/2023 07:53

I came on here for support ffs

OP posts:
Report
LlamaFace19 · 07/05/2023 07:54

So you essentially want your child's STEPMOTHER to pay you maintenance too?

Yes, YABU.

Report
Fahdidahlia · 07/05/2023 07:55

In case this isn't a made up goady thread.....
To clarify - ex has child 3/7 nights a week and also dinners 1/2 nights a week.
Ex pays £500 a month privately agreed.
Stepmum is doing an excellent job as a role model, not overstepping etc.
You think as a Mum you're entitled to not have to work full time.

And you think you're badly done to?

Report
Curtains70 · 07/05/2023 07:55

Who gets up on a Sunday morning and thinks oh I know I will write a completely made up thread on Mumsnet?

Report
CuriousGeorge80 · 07/05/2023 07:55

Good effort 😂😂😂

Report
PineappleLatte · 07/05/2023 07:55

How can you be tired of the grind, you haven’t started it yet!

Report
whumpthereitis · 07/05/2023 07:55

CMS won’t count her income. The only person who owes you maintenance is her father, what she earns is irrelevant.

Report
doubleoseven · 07/05/2023 07:56

I sometimes think mnhq start these threads on quiet days. They know the ones that will get everyone frothing.

Report
motheroreily · 07/05/2023 07:56

I think £500 when he earns 21k and the child stays 2 nights a week is alot more than cms would award anyway.

My ex earnt 26k and saw our child 2 nights a week and I got about £150 a month.

I don't think CMS look at a partner's salary. Could be wrong though

Report
Toottooot · 07/05/2023 07:56

Hilarious. Only person being selfish and having is a pity party is you hun - not your ex. Pathetic really.

Report
Waitingforsummer75 · 07/05/2023 07:56

You want us to agree that you should continue to work part time whilst you try to claim money from someone who doesn't have to make any contribution?
On £21k CMS amount would be less than £250 a month. Good luck getting her earnings taken into account. That's not the way it works.

Report
BritishDesiGirl · 07/05/2023 07:56

This can't be real, no one is that fucking obtuse.

Report
namechange3394 · 07/05/2023 07:57

So he has her 3 nights a week and pays you £500 a month when he only earns 21k?

You would be massively shooting yourself in the foot taking this to CMS. They won't take the wife's earnings into account and based on what you've said the CMS calculated amount of maintenance would be £133 a month.

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LlamaFace19 · 07/05/2023 07:57

You could get more money by increasing your working hours. I presume your daughter is at school five days a week so what stops you working full time?

Report
ShadowPuppets · 07/05/2023 07:57

Either made up or reverse.

Report
Skyblue92 · 07/05/2023 07:57

Pretty sure they won’t include new wife’s salary. By all means go to CMS it’ll be less than the 500 a month he’s paying now. Don’t be greedy or bitter just because he married someone else who earns more

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.