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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD sleeping in our bed

179 replies

Emotionalmama · 01/05/2023 11:58

from the outset just want to put it out there that me and DH’s ex do not get on at all but I get on exceptionally well with their daughter (4). She stays with us every other weekend and her mother always always always has something to complain about when she stays, mostly lies to be brutally honest. DSD stayed last weekend and got into our bed between me and DH and her mother has went mental saying it’s in appropriate for her to stay with me and DH. i didn’t think twice of it, I’m due our own baby in a few months so was a little bit of a squeeze but we all slept well and throughout the night. Is this inappropriate?

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 01/05/2023 12:02

While it is harmless, wouldn’t you feel uncomfortable with your four year old sharing a bed with someone you don’t know?

It is reasonable for a mum to have feelings about this, even if she isn’t supposed to.

Original poster
Emotionalmama · 01/05/2023 12:06

MelchiorsMistress · 01/05/2023 12:02

While it is harmless, wouldn’t you feel uncomfortable with your four year old sharing a bed with someone you don’t know?

It is reasonable for a mum to have feelings about this, even if she isn’t supposed to.

It’s not that she doesn’t know me. I’ve been with DH for a few years now, she can have no complaints on how I treat DSD, it’s her choice not to know me, I’ve offered to meet her and talk etc. i wasn’t the other woman or anything like that.

OP posts:
Beamur · 01/05/2023 12:10

I can see from your perspective, it's harmless, but Mum isn't happy.
I think it's more about respecting certain boundaries as a step parent. Co sleeping is very intimate. I think I would be uncomfortable with my DD sharing a bed in this way too, despite (or maybe because) you get on so well.

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2023 12:20

Does she cosleep at her mum's? I don't think she can complain if so - she's created a situation where that's what the child wants so what does she expect. That may not be the case but you do see it often on here!

I agree with you that in reality it is harmless but honestly I would just use this as an excuse not to cosleep at yours. It will do you favours in the long run to not have her sleeping in with you.

MelchiorsMistress · 01/05/2023 12:22

Your missing the point. Of course she should have no complaints about how you treat her child but that doesn’t mean she should automatically want to meet you.

Think about the baby you have inside you right now. Will you be comfortable in 4/5 years time if your partner is with a lovely new lady who wants to share a bed with them both?

Whattodo112222 · 01/05/2023 12:31

I think as a mum and a step mum I wouldn't feel comfortable with a step parent co sleeping situation. You also have to be responsible for instilling boundaries op. It doesn't really matter what you think. Your step daughter has two parents and one of those has expressed dislike to an overstepping of a boundary. You're not being respectful as a step parent.

Skybluepinky · 01/05/2023 12:38

Would u want yr partner to leave u and allow yr baby to sleep in bed with his new love?
Not shocked his X isn’t happy I can’t imagine many mums being happy.
If it happens again, get out of the bed and sleep elsewhere.

aSofaNearYou · 01/05/2023 12:40

Skybluepinky · 01/05/2023 12:38

Would u want yr partner to leave u and allow yr baby to sleep in bed with his new love?
Not shocked his X isn’t happy I can’t imagine many mums being happy.
If it happens again, get out of the bed and sleep elsewhere.

I wouldn't be sleeping elsewhere. If the parents don't want the step parent to share a bed with the child, they can sleep elsewhere or teach their child to sleep in their own bed. She's pregnant FFS.

ImustLearn2Cook · 01/05/2023 12:41

It really honestly wouldn’t bother me if my 4 year old co slept with her dad and his girlfriend as long as she had her own room and bed and it was her choice.

However, it is a personal parenting choice. Some parents have there own beliefs about co sleeping and do not want their children to form a habit of sleeping in their parents bed.

For some children it might disrupt their own sleep routine and ability to fall asleep in their own bed.

Some parents are against it for other reasons too.

So, I would respect the mums feelings on this. I wouldn’t take it personally.

Wishitsnows · 01/05/2023 12:42

Can’t imagine many people would be comfortable with that. Guess you don’t have any boundaries. When your baby is born I doubt you would want that situation for your child.

Lavenderflower · 01/05/2023 12:46

I would not feel comfortable with that, although I can see that it is harmless.

Darthwazette · 01/05/2023 12:50

My husband is my DCs step father. On occasion, when they’ve been poorly or frightened they’ve come into our bed but DH always gets up and goes to their empty bed or the sofa.

gypsytrampandthief · 01/05/2023 12:51

If she has an issue with you best not to rock the boat by doing things she doesn't like. Why doesn't she like you? You mentioned "a few years" with your DP, this indicates at least three years, their child is only four....... is that the problem? I'm not trying to make assumptions but when you have a tiny baby and your DH is already with someone else it can lead to resentment and not a great start to the co-parenting relationship

FictionalCharacter · 01/05/2023 12:55

MelchiorsMistress · 01/05/2023 12:22

Your missing the point. Of course she should have no complaints about how you treat her child but that doesn’t mean she should automatically want to meet you.

Think about the baby you have inside you right now. Will you be comfortable in 4/5 years time if your partner is with a lovely new lady who wants to share a bed with them both?

It wasn’t the “new lady” who wanted to share her bed. The child got into her bed with her father and stepmother.

EvenHeathens · 01/05/2023 13:02

In a few months when your baby is born and is keeping you up all night, the last thing you or your dsd needs is to have her in your bed. Also if you're going to bf are you going to just pop your boob out whilst in bed with dsd? Id be thinking about dsd from this side of things, because if she suddenly feels pushed out after the new baby is born then things could turn quite nasty as resentment kicks in.

JE17 · 01/05/2023 13:24

She's treating your house like her home, which is a good thing. Nothing unusual about a 4 yo getting into bed with parents if they want to.
I hope that as a Mum I'd overcome any jealousy about the situation with the fact that DSD feels so comfortable and at home at her Dad's house.

Sux2buthen · 01/05/2023 13:35

Oh fgs, the mum can moan all she likes. Nothing wrong in your post of what's happened.

Riapia · 01/05/2023 13:42

MN rule No 569.
You have no say how your exH parents your child when the child is in their care.

hourbyhour101 · 01/05/2023 13:54

Mum disliking you or DSC sleeping in your bed is really irrelevant tbh. She's not your boss neither is she in control of what goes down in your house.

To all the posters say I g op should go on sofa if dsc joins them in bed- I have a better solution- If DH wants to sleep with his Dd at night maybe he can get into his Dd bed or go on sofa with her ? If this is unpalatable I would question why 🙄

Anyway op I hate co sleeping (because I don't get any sleep) and toddlers are all arms and legs at night. Set a boundary of what your comfortable with and stick to it.

Also congratulations on your pregnancy 💐

Changechangechanging · 01/05/2023 14:10

It’s massively lacking in boundaries, in my opinion, and nothing at all to do with jealousy, as suggested above. I also agree you are setting yourself up for all sorts of issues once your baby is born.

clearly, your DPs previous relationship broke down the child was very young - toddler/baby? In which case, you need to have a think about how you might react if it were your child telling you they had slept with dad and his new partner. It is all well and good it being harmless and well-meaning but it’s a massive over step and should be gently shifted to something more sustainable long term.

lunar1 · 01/05/2023 14:18

Hell would freeze over before I allowed my children to sleep in bed with an adult who wasn't their parent. If your DH wants to do this he should go squeeze in her single bed.

RedTulipsSpring · 01/05/2023 14:22

My DH allowed my DSS to co-sleep. I found it very uncomfortable having a child I wasn’t related to in bed and asked DH to stop. DH got him a double bed so he could co-sleep in his room with him, that’s what I’d suggest here.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/05/2023 14:34

It's harmless to you but her Mum doesn't like it. Please respect a mother's boundaries, just as you'd want yours respected in terms of your coming child. Yes it's harmless from the way you've put it but her Mum isn't pleased. That's it.

I think you're aiming to come across as the reasonable one and making her out to be a dragon but somehow there's an element of point-scoring going on here with you. Don't strive to 'win' by pushing for something Mum doesn't like. You shouldn't need to win that much.

This child has 2 parents and on this matter I think Dad should listen to Mum and respect her wishes. A 4 year old can sleep in her own bed at yours. Especially as that'll be the way of it when baby comes along, wont it? Problem solved

GracieGracieGracie · 01/05/2023 14:45

I would absolutely NOT be happy with this. Reminds me of the time ex-DP allowed our 3/4yr old child to bath with his new gf 😱

Laurdo · 01/05/2023 17:13

The only boundaries you need to have is with the mother. It's not up to her what happens in your home, so long as the child is happy and safe. Is DSD going back and telling her everything that goes on in your house? How does she know about these things in order to complain all the time?

Sounds to me like she wouldn't be happy with anything you do so I'd just ignore her. If DH says it's fine and DSD is happy then that's all that matters. It's not your job to make the mum happy.

My DSD5 doesn't co-sleep with us and I wouldn't want her too, not because it's inappropriate, but because I don't want to get into that habit. We have her just over 50%. She does come into our bed in the morning, she's also jumped into a shower with me before. I'm sure her mother would have something to say about it but then again she also had something to say about me plaiting her hair.