DSD sleeping in our bed

[Emotionalmama]

from the outset just want to put it out there that me and DH’s ex do not get on at all but I get on exceptionally well with their daughter (4). She stays with us every other weekend and her mother always always always has something to complain about when she stays, mostly lies to be brutally honest. DSD stayed last weekend and got into our bed between me and DH and her mother has went mental saying it’s in appropriate for her to stay with me and DH. i didn’t think twice of it, I’m due our own baby in a few months so was a little bit of a squeeze but we all slept well and throughout the night. Is this inappropriate?

Oh you'll always get a bunch on non step-parents jumping on a step-parenting thread to tell SMs they're inappropriate, over-stepping, not a parent bla bla bla. And of course mum can do no wrong and must always be honoured and respected.

As a mum, I wouldn’t want my kids sharing a bed with you. Your partner shouldn’t be letting it happen.

I wouldn’t want to be with a bloke who didn’t see this as a problem. It would show how off his judgement was.

definitely! I’ve said in a previous post I was hesitant about posting for this exact reason. I promise we’re not all wicked step mums like the Disney movies make out lol!

I don’t think all step mums are wicked, but there do need to be boundaries. The parent and their ‘new’ partner should both understand that.

If the child needs comfort in the night, the parent goes to their room.

Why? The adults in alternative family structures have to acknowledge the role the child’s biological parents play in the creation of their family unit. What that looks like exactly is going to depend on the individual situation. But you can’t just erase it.

Because many women will have not given birth to their children; or not be biologically related even if they have. That doesn’t make them less of a mother.

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit well given that the examples I gave were grandparents and aunts, I'm finding it a bit hard to see why that would be so surprising it's frightening. My elder DD doesn't come to sleep with adults as this is something I've always keenly avoided as I don't want to cosleep myself, but as babies my parents and sister have all occasionally spent the night with my DDs (to give me a break), fed them bottles, cuddled them in bed etc. I wouldn't consider this a safeguarding issue and if I found any of them napping with my DDs, I certainly wouldn't think it was inappropriate. I think sleeping side by side is quite a different thing to being nude around them.

I completely agree with you that OP should not be turfed out of her bed because her SD wants to come into it. That’s not fair. It’s her bed! But I very much disagree that cosleeping with your stepchild is acceptable, no matter how serious/long the relationship with their father is. Nope. Should not be happening. The child should be put back into her own bed and her father should stay with her while she goes back to sleep if need be. And actually I would be fine with a stepmother putting my child to bed/waiting in the room while they fell asleep - just not in bed with the child. However as OP is pregnant she should definitely be left to sleep comfortably in her own bed and her husband should be dealing with his child’s night wakings. I would be very upset in this child’s mother’s shoes about the co-sleeping and I would be having strong words with my ex and explicitly teaching my child not to get into bed with other adults.

There is a history of sexual abuse within my husband’s family. Unfortunately I now know that close relatives can and do sexually abuse children in their care and this means I would never allow cosleeping even between close relatives other than the child’s parents. Even when those close relatives are on my side and I trust them completely. The abuser I know of was once a trusted family member too.

Yes and those mothers have to share the role of motherhood with the mother who did give birth. What that looks like in practice will vary hugely depending on the situation. But it should never be ignored.

But your insinuation is that they should not bed share on the basis they didn’t give birth. What about those other situations? I don’t think you can blanket say if they’ve not birthed they can’t share a bed and do think that has the potential to be really offensive.

Again and sorry if this comes across rude but I really take issue with being deemed 'new' partner, I'm her dad's wife, I've been in her life longer than I haven't been in her life, she herself will only be able to remember me and her dad together, she can't remember her parents together.

What if the parent isn't there? What if they're away on a business trip etc.

I had my DSD on my own for a week when my DH had to fly to another country after getting a call that his brother was about to die. She did end up sleeping in my bed on a couple of occasions when normally she always sleeps in her own bed. Should I have turned away an unsettled 4yo who was missing her dad on the basis that we didn't share DNA?

If you trust someone enough to bathe a child, change their clothes or take them to the toilet, what's the big deal about sharing a bed? Or do people think step-parents shouldn't be allowed to do those things either?

It’s why I wrote it in quotes.

Step parents/parents partners need to have boundaries. The parent and the partner should insist on it.

If I was with someone that had children with someone else, I would want boundaries and for my partner, the child’s parent, to want those too.

You will forever be the “new” partner. I have been with my DH nearly ten years and am the “new” wife in SM terms!

My friends kids have a step mum. When dad is away, the kids are with my friend, not their step mum.

No, their step mum has never bathed them etc. Their mum and dad do those things.

It’s healthy boundaries.

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit

There is a history of sexual abuse within my husband’s family. Unfortunately I now know that close relatives can and do sexually abuse children in their care and this means I would never allow cosleeping even between close relatives other than the child’s parents. Even when those close relatives are on my side and I trust them completely. The abuser I know of was once a trusted family member too.

I respect that, that's your choice. But overnight childcare from grandparents and siblings is incredibly common and most people would not consider the things that go along with that - bathing them, possibly soothing them to sleep etc- to be inappropriate. I think you need to be realistic about that.

Although I chose not to bedshare with my DSS, because I don’t have the relationship like you have described. If my 4 year old sought the comfort of another adult I’d want them to be able to get it, in whichever way they needed. I wouldn’t have left my 4 year old with a step parent, but if I did it would be on the basis I trusted their judgment.

You sound like a wonderful SM.

But Laurdo did have sole care of her DSD who did need that kind of care so what to you suggest? She just goes a week without that care?

Not to me. It’s just a term. Personally I’m not keen on step mum for the partner of the parent. Most kids have their parents. Just be mum or dads partner/wife/husband. The ‘blended’ families I know that work best don’t use the term step parent. The partner is an adult in the children’s lives but doesn’t ‘parent’ because the parents do the parenting.

Do you actually want a breakdown here of my views on this?
Both legal parents from birth with no involvement from the mother who birthed the child or one of you is the mother who birthed the child and you’re a lesbian couple/you used donor eggs or sperm- do whatever you want with cosleeping/bath sharing etc. Tell the child about their genetic origins repeatedly from preschool age so it’s not a shock.
You’re a step parent? Nope. Shouldn’t be co-sleeping/bathing.
You’re a foster parent of a toddler/older child - nope. Shouldn’t be co-sleeping/bathing - presumably there’s some training about this that happens.
You’re an adoptive parent of a toddler/older child. Hmm. Grey area I think. You can probably do whatever you want since the birth parents are no longer involved but I personally wouldn’t cosleep or bathe with an adopted child, particularly if they were not with me from birth and most especially if they had unfortunately experienced abuse already.
I would not foster/adopt a child while I had my own biological children because I would feel the need to treat them differently. I really don’t mean that in a bad way. I mean I feel like adopted/fostered children need to be sheltered more from their adoptive parents private spheres (nudity and intimacy). And they need their adoptive parents to acknowledge and accept their birth parents without judgement or malice, even when those birth parents did a terrible job of looking after the child.

The child’s parent should have arranged care with the child’s other parent or other family. Or the parent accepts they need a job that doesn’t require overnight travel. That’s parenting.

Ridiculous responses on this thread.

It may not be palatable, but people need to realise that if you leave a relationship then you lose some responsibility for what happens to your children and when.

I don’t imagine many on this thread would appreciate it if their ex started laying down the law over what happens when the kids are with the mother, this is no different.

And all this talk of stepmothers overstepping boundaries by bathing children and so on, what a load of bollocks.

Ultimately if you don’t want your kids to have a stepparent don’t leave the relationship. It genuinely is IMO something people need to consider when they talk about ltb, because it is a reality.

What happens at the dads house is none of her business, assuming the child isn’t being abused.

And likewise what happens at the mum’s house is none of the dad’s business.

So little of this is actually what is best for the children, instead it’s all about parents treating their children like possessions and attempting to claim them as theirs and nobody else’s.

My DSD mum didn't want to have her the week DH was away. Things in our home would be pretty difficult if I wasn't allowed to bathe or change my DSD.

There is a difference between providing necessary intimate care and comfort to a small child and allowing them into your own intimate sphere.
Say I was babysitting my toddler nephew . I would of course bathe him, dress him in pyjamas, read him a story, tuck him into bed, give him a cuddle if he was sad, perhaps kiss him goodnight on the top of his head.
I would NOT; get in the bath with him, get in his bed under the covers to read a story, lie down on his bed, tell him to give me a kiss, undress in front of him, or sleep in a bed with him.

people need to realise that if you leave a relationship then you lose some responsibility for what happens to your children and when.

Or they should expect that their children’s needs should still be met between the two of them, using childcare and the child’s family when necessary.

This is what we would expect of each other if we split, not placing our child’s care needs onto any future partners. That’s best for both the children and healthy relationships with partners.