DSD sleeping in our bed

[Emotionalmama]

from the outset just want to put it out there that me and DH’s ex do not get on at all but I get on exceptionally well with their daughter (4). She stays with us every other weekend and her mother always always always has something to complain about when she stays, mostly lies to be brutally honest. DSD stayed last weekend and got into our bed between me and DH and her mother has went mental saying it’s in appropriate for her to stay with me and DH. i didn’t think twice of it, I’m due our own baby in a few months so was a little bit of a squeeze but we all slept well and throughout the night. Is this inappropriate?

Stepmothers can't win on here!

Op, I don't think you did anything wrong. The child's mother should be happy that you and her dd get along so well and she feels comfortable with you.

Op isn't the 'new girlfriend'😂
Mum has no say, that's all there is to it
I have a step dad, have been a step mum and my kids have an (absent) father and step mum.
It makes no idea what mum thinks, she's said her piece, nothing more to be said

Surely the only thing that's important here is where your DSD feels secure sleeping and if that's wit her dad and you then whilst I can see her mum might be jealous, surely, as an adult she should try to put her feelings aside?

Assuming she will never get back with her daughter's father then surely the best thing is to embrace the fact that he is with someone who loves their daughter and she should stop seeing that relationship as a threat?

It’s up to your partner. She shouldn’t be complaining to you so if that’s happening tell her to take it up with him, it was he who went along with it rather than getting up and going into DSD’s bed.

As someone with a 4 year old and a new baby, both shared with DH, a tip for once the baby’s here and she may be unsettled about the hew arrival but you might not have room in bed, you may be dealing with issues from birth or a c section etc, is to set up a floor bed. That’s what we’ve done and if DD wants to come in during the night we put her duvet down sideways so she can wrap half over herself and her usual pillows at the top. She gets to be in our room but not our bed.

I had a c section and didn’t want to risk being kicked in the incision and I have the baby lying next to me to feed in the night so didn’t want them near each other.

Might not help but just an idea.

Best of luck with your pregnancy. Try and cut down on sources of unnecessary stress. If she’s a pain in the arse now you can anticipate things escalating once you’ve had your baby. Tell DP you don’t need to know about all of her rants and to please limit information sharing to essentials.

To be fair, and I’m not trying to sound like a martyr, but that’s why I’ve never posted under step parenting threads before. I love my DSC to bits and have genuinely pulled out all the stops to ensure she never affected on my part regarding the relationship, or lack of, between us and her mother, especially now with the baby on the way. Myself and DH honestly have done everything through proper channels and I do it out it the best interest of DSD, nothing to do with point scoring or ‘winning’ over her mother as one poster suggested.

I just personally saw a lot of adults arguing as a child and think it’s disgraceful kids go through that or are witness (or worse, collateral damage) to that. That’s a whole different conversation though.

just I genuinely didn’t and to be honest I don’t see the issue from either a safeguarding or appropriateness point of view.

ps she doesn’t usually do this she just did last week and it’s been playing on my mind since.

Op, all that is exactly what I saw from your post - that you are genuinely trying your best for your dd, that you genuinely love her, and that her popping into your bed was a one-off.

Best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy and birth!

@Emotionalmama

i really wouldn't worry about it, it's not a safeguarding issue. She's 4, it's nice to get in bed with adults that you love

As a mum I'd get a 'pang', but then I'd give my head a wobble & be glad DD was happy at her Dads as well as at mine.

from you pov though, I wouldn't actually encourage it, simply because it'll be a pain when you've had your baby. But you can always boot DH out to sleep in her bed with her, so you can get comfy!!

Hmmm

Nothing wrong per se..

But it's playing on your mind for a reason?

I'm a mum and a step mum. My dsd gets into bed on a Saturday or Sunday morning.. sometimes with her little brother (my child) and even her older brother. I usually leave them all to it. Not always though. I wouldn't share a bed through the night.. if & when she comes in, her dad gives her a cuddle and puts her back to her own bed.

Her mum may love you and still feel uncomfortable. You need to respect her feelings.

I wouldn't feel comfortable. I also dont agree with children co sleeping though so this isn't a dig at you.
if I were you id sleep elsewhere when the child is round

You need to respect her feelings.

No she doesn’t.

If a 4-year old child is seeking night-time comfort in the bed of a parent... then I think it's entirely reasonable and kind of you to have allowed this, no doubt with the best interests of the child at heart.

The child's mother has however indicated she's not happy about it, which is a shame because it creates a dilemma about what to do. This is not your problem to solve, and I wouldn't suggest you insert yourself between the two parents (however much you are goaded to do so). However, you absolutely have a right to express your opinion to your partner.

The safest option might be to agree with him that if DDS comes into bed, he scoops her up and takes her back to her bed and they settle together? I get this requires you to give up something but hopefully this will not happen too often and you'll be recognised for doing the decent thing.

@AnneLovesGilbert

For a child in a blended/step family set up to thrive... the parents and adults should respect each other.

I agree it's harmless but I wouldn't feel comfortable with it either as a parent. I'd say respect her wishes and don't do it. Let your dh take her back to bed. Will also be better for when baby is here as baby would disturb her.

Is DSD going back and telling her everything that goes on in your house? How does she know about these things in order to complain all the time?

@Laurdo What a strange thing to comment on, almost makes it out to be the child's fault. Children talk and should be allowed to.

Massively inappropriate OP. Most people would have a big problem with this. Kids and parents cosleeping is fine. Kids and step parents cosleeping is absolutely not fine. Personally I would not be happy with anyone else cosleeping with my child, excluding extended family (grandparents etc) on either side.

I'm not saying it's the child's fault, just wondering how the mum knows so much about what goes on in their home in order to constantly complain. Some father's feel the need to tell their ex everything when they don't need to so I actually thought this might be the case here rather than the child telling the mum.

Respect works both ways and it doesn't sound like the mother is very respectful if she has something to complain about every time the child is at dads.

Ideally, in a blended family everyone respects each other but in the real world that doesn't always happen.

I have zero respect for my DSCs mother and never will for various reasons. Respect is earned and she's done nothing to deserve it. Giving birth does not automatically grant you respect.

In this case, it doesn't matter if the mother is uncomfortable, that's her shit to deal with. The child is clearly comfortable with her SM and SM clearly has her best interests at heart. Guaranteed if OP had refused to let DSD into her bed the mother would have something to say about that too.

The problem seems to be on this thread.

People have different perspectives on co sleeping and who is or isn't allowed to do it (I personally hate it but I hate sleeping with my toddler)

Thing is ... respectfully if mum has been a turnip in the past or not cultivated a good relationship with op or her DH. They are well within their rights to say sort your uncomfortable but 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Mums entitled to be uncomfortable or whatever emotion. But that doesn't mean anything in dads house and mum can't control what goes down in dads house (baring safety issues) which this is not.

Per phase if mum wants to build a good co parenting relationship where her feelings are given more thought, she should reflect on her own actions in this case and put in the effort.

Co parenting isn't a boss employee relationship.

Just because you can't control what the other parent would do in their home, I have absolutely no idea why anyone would insist on their right to sleep in bed with someone else's child.

This is a really odd hill to die on.

I can see that no harm was intended, but its massively inappropriate. Its fine for dc to co sleep with parents, but a parent and a step parent isn't right. As pp said, it's disrespectful and overstepping boundaries. You should have to leave your bed, but your dh should be taking his child back to their own bed. I wouldn't like it if my dh and I split and my dc were cuddled up in bed with him and his new partner.

*shouldn't have to leave your bed.

What is inappropriate is the ex commenting on what happens during your dh's contact time and in your house.

None of her business. Ignore her.

Will she still co sleep when you have the baby? If not, I'd nip it in the bud now or you could have huge issues further down the line.

She's 4, I really don't see the issue. Seems according to MN wisdom on step parenting that I'm lacking boundaries. My DD would never be comfortable doing that with her Dad let alone a step mum, but I wouldn't think twice if her younger brother did it if that's what he needed. As long as like a PP said it's fully her choice and she has her own bed. You sound like you care about her, which honestly is what I'd want the most from any step mum my DC might have in future. Step parents often get a tough time on here. I do agree with a PP that said it might not be something you want to encourage with having a baby soon, because you'll need every bit of sleep you can get and she and baby may disturb each other's sleep. Though I certainly don't see why it would be a problem breastfeeding infront of DSD if you decide to breastfeed. You may need to prepare for lots of questions on what you're doing and why if you are going to breastfeed. My then 4 year old waa certainly full of questions when I breastfed her younger sibling.