DSD sleeping in our bed

[Emotionalmama]

from the outset just want to put it out there that me and DH’s ex do not get on at all but I get on exceptionally well with their daughter (4). She stays with us every other weekend and her mother always always always has something to complain about when she stays, mostly lies to be brutally honest. DSD stayed last weekend and got into our bed between me and DH and her mother has went mental saying it’s in appropriate for her to stay with me and DH. i didn’t think twice of it, I’m due our own baby in a few months so was a little bit of a squeeze but we all slept well and throughout the night. Is this inappropriate?

I find it shocking that you can’t see any problems/potential problems with this. I actually don’t believe that you can’t, it just suits you and your husband and others to not face them and therefore have to put real healthy boundaries in place. I’ve just been discussing this with my teenage daughter as she asked me what I was doing and she’s just listed a handful of issues with it, shes 14!

I’m out. I can only protect my own kids when comes down to it so there’s no point me losing any more time to this.

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit so you feel as a non biological mother, she shouldn't sleep with her dsc. So what about all the other non biological parents out there? Ultimately the OP will be DHs partner longer than he was with the child's mother and the child has known no other life other than this one with 2 homes, two bio parents and OP as step mum. In the ideal scenario, the dc will have two sets of loving parents. Having a bio mum in the picture shouldn't preclude the step mum from having every bit the relationship with the child as an adoptive mum would. This would be the most ideal of situations for the child.

Maybe you could list the issues you discussed with your daughter then and help me understand a bit better.

@MoreThanFriends My friends kids have a step mum. When dad is away, the kids are with my friend, not their step mum.
No, their step mum has never bathed them etc. Their mum and dad do those things.

It’s healthy boundaries.
Because of what? Lack of Biological relationship? You know this is bollocks.

Many parents won't have their dc on their exs shift.

I wonder if you also are someone who would criticise step parents for not treating their dsc as their own. Can't have it both ways.

@MoreThanFriends it's not unusual for people to accept childcare from people who aren't biologically related to the child. It's not realistic to find it shocking that that's the case - it's very common and normal.

Though I don't disagree with your model for step parenting.

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit Do you actually want a breakdown here of my views on this?
Both legal parents from birth with no involvement from the mother who birthed the child or one of you is the mother who birthed the child and you’re a lesbian couple/you used donor eggs or sperm- do whatever you want with cosleeping/bath sharing etc. Tell the child about their genetic origins repeatedly from preschool age so it’s not a shock.
You’re a step parent?Nope.Shouldn’t be co-sleeping/bathing.
You’re a foster parent of a toddler/older child - nope. Shouldn’t be co-sleeping/bathing - presumably there’s some training about this that happens.
You’re an adoptive parent of a toddler/older child. Hmm. Grey area I think. You can probably do whatever you want since the birth parents are no longer involved but I personally wouldn’t cosleep or bathe with an adopted child, particularly if they were not with me from birth and most especially if they had unfortunately experienced abuse already.

So by your own admission your decision is based not on the needs or wants if the dc. They are based on what feels upsetting for the bio parents.
You think it find for non bio parents to fully parent but not if the bio parents exist in their lives regardless of if the dc is needing comfort in this way.

Don't have dc if you can't put your own insecurities aside.

Ironically though they have stated the kids could be with their “friend” but not their step parent. Separating out step parents from friends and not just bio/non bio.

@MoreThanFriends This is what we would expect of each other if we split, not placing our child’s care needs onto any future partners. That’s best for both the children and healthy relationships with partners.
Then expect to see a post here in future about a SP having made your dc feel like a 2nd class citizen in their home

Rtft if you want to know my opinions on this.
The child’s mother is her mother. No need for ´bio’ ´ here as she is a fully involved parent! This is not the least but similar to the situation of an adoptive mother who may use ´birth’ or ´bio’ mother to help her child understand her origins. Step-parents are not equivalent to the child’s actual parents. At all. It’s shocking to me that you consider stepmothers equal in standing in a situation where the mother is an active parent. I do appreciate that in some families the child’s mother is dead is absent and that in these cases the step mother may take on a greater role.

@pfftt
don’t you dare tell me not to have children just because I have boundaries that are different to yours.

I have a different opinion to you on how boundaries around personal intimacy should be drawn between parents and children and step parents and step children. In what universe does that make me an unfit parent? Stop it with the personal attacks.

I imagine she’s been deeply controlling and jealous of the relationship you have with her daughter. Every mother out there will know that a three or four-year-old will crawl into a bed in the middle of the night, and who can be arsed to kick them out? If she is trying to stop you both from seeing the daughter get a solicitor quick and stamp on that behaviour

I think it's reasonable for a mum to say she's not happy with her child getting in bed with you and you should be respectful of her wishes just like you would want your wishes of your unborn child to be respected.

No, you’re wrong.

I said

My friends kids have a step mum. When dad is away, the kids are with my friend, not their step mum.

MY FRIEND IS THEIR MOTHER!

@Kiwisarenotjustfruit I am happy that you withdrew your post. It was very inappropriate and rude and I'm glad you realise that.

Oh so you came back to correct someone but I wonder if you'll actually answer my question.

You were also extremely rude to me.

If a parent had prevented me from taking an active parenting role during their lifetime, then dropped dead and it was suddenly bestowed on me to take that role, I think it would be a really difficult dynamic for both the child and step parent. Only worthy in the absence of the parent not in addition to. Speaks volumes of what people think of step parents.