DSD sleeping in our bed

[Emotionalmama]

from the outset just want to put it out there that me and DH’s ex do not get on at all but I get on exceptionally well with their daughter (4). She stays with us every other weekend and her mother always always always has something to complain about when she stays, mostly lies to be brutally honest. DSD stayed last weekend and got into our bed between me and DH and her mother has went mental saying it’s in appropriate for her to stay with me and DH. i didn’t think twice of it, I’m due our own baby in a few months so was a little bit of a squeeze but we all slept well and throughout the night. Is this inappropriate?

You’re entitled to your view, equally I am allowed to find your view offensive to many families.

But that wasn’t the situation described. Laurdo had care of the child so what should she have done?

There is a difference between providing necessary intimate care and comfort to a small child and allowing them into your own intimate sphere.
Say I was babysitting my toddler nephew . I would of course bathe him, dress him in pyjamas, read him a story, tuck him into bed, give him a cuddle if he was sad, perhaps kiss him goodnight on the top of his head.
I would NOT; get in the bath with him, get in his bed under the covers to read a story, lie down on his bed, tell him to give me a kiss, undress in front of him, or sleep in a bed with him.

Fair enough. For me the line is different. I wouldn't share a bath with them or get changed in front of them but I wouldn't draw much of a distinction between cuddling them in a bed, and falling asleep next to them in that same bed.

So little of this is actually what is best for the children, instead it’s all about parents treating their children like possessions and attempting to claim them as theirs and nobody else’s.

Agreed.

Then he needs to arrange family to do it or accept he couldn’t go.

A mother that ‘doesn’t want her child’ is disgusting. One that knows her child will be left with her exes partner because of that really should be ashamed.

But it’s not fair on you, and your husband is letting you and his child down expecting you to parent.

The parents should never have allowed it to have. Laurdo can’t help the mothers decisions, but she can expect not to be put in that position by her husband. His child is his responsibility.

DSDs mother didn't want to have her and DH doesn't really have a lot of family. Even if he did, DSD would be far more comfortable staying with me in her own home rather than being shipped off to a relative she saw now and again just because they share the same DNA. I know her routine, I know her just as well as her dad.

For lord this is still going on.

Not because I think outting myself is a massively good idea but I was abused as a child. And it wasn't when I joined my family in bed.

I'm well aware of safe guarding measures in place for a child. But honestly if I created a child with a man, I must on some level - trust in him enough not to be with someone who is potentially a risk to my child to need to be safeguarded from.

Bedsharing imo is a red herring. I dislike it because I don't like children in my bed. But it's not about bedsharing it's about control.

That said when I split up with my ex I accepted I can't control what goes down in his house. This isn't a sm insisting on sleeping with the kids, it's child led and frankly if the child was being abused (I can speak from experience they wouldn't be crawling into bed with their abuser willingly)

I may have feelings about my Dd sharing a bed with her sm and dad at their house. But ultimately I trust him not to live with someone who my daughter needs safe guarding from. And my feelings are my own. My child's feeling come first.

And speaking from hideous experience I didn't need safe guarding from mum or dads dp. I needed safeguarding from blood family.

Just because their your "blood" certainly for me at least, didn't mean I was safe with them or that they are now someone I consider my family.

People imo earn that right, and often step parents do earn that right. Both of mine did, both earnt that right and then some (even though that will be upsetting for people to hear) . It's not a given even if you managed to reproduce successfully.
Also it's offensive to say to mums who are mums, not through biology.

Op bedsharing is a awful topic when you become a parent (such as weaning, formula vs breast ect). I'm not totally surprised people have such strong opinions on it.

I'm just surprised that people think they can dictate what goes down in the other parents house, when they gave up that right when they split. I would also say this if this was dad kicking off in reverse.

Blended families work when people studiously work at not nit picking on what goes down in the other house. It gets complicated when people forget that.

You will never get a fair hearing on mumsnet as a SM, too many exes with grudges, you could be literally donating a kidney to your SC and they'd still moan you were overstepping boundaries.

Imo, the only person you have to consider boundaries with is your partner. If he is happy with how you interact with his child, and it sounds like he was, then thats the end of the matter. You will never please his ex, so why question your own judgement for someone who will pick faults regardless. This is you and your partners household, set your own household boundaries.

Unless your partner tries to interfere in how his ex runs her household, in which case your screwed.

Spot bloody on 👏🏼

Then her dad needs to have a job without travel or one where he can organise being away for time when the child’s mother does have her. I don’t believe partners should be looking after the kids for long periods or doing parenting. It’s not fair on the children or the partners. That’s my take and it’s what I’ve seen work.

If you and the child are happy, I’d say you’re in the minority. Lots of kids don’t feel comfortable. And the step parenting boards show lots of ‘step parents’ feeling put up on and used, which I’ve seen in real life too.

If I was the mother I would hate this

Haha! I can assure you I have never felt let down by my DH and nor has his DD. Nothing has ever been expected of me, it's always been my choice to be as involved as I am.

If I had an issue with looking after DSD on my own of course my DH wouldn't have gone but I had no issue and was more than happy to look after her.

I'm not one of those unfortunate SMs who are treated like a nanny. Being a SM is something I chose to embrace and something I really love.

To be fair if I asked a close relative (maybe my mum or mother in law) to babysit overnight and they’d accidentally fallen asleep next to my child on my child’s bed because it took so long to get them back to sleep I wouldn’t think anything much of it. I’d probably apologise for having such a difficult child. It would make me really uncomfortable if it was a male relative who did that and I wouldn’t ask them to babysit again. But historic sexual abuse in the wider family has destroyed any tolerance I might have had for trusting men with my child.
I would tell any family member clearly that I don’t want my child in their adult bed with them, probably before they babysat so there was no issues.
If I ever fell asleep trying to get my nephew to sleep I’d move as soon as I woke up and I wouldn’t allow him to get into my bed in the night. I would put him back in his own bed every time. And to be honest I would avoid lying down with him on his bed to try to avoid falling asleep with him. I’d sit and hold his hand or something similar instead.

Absolutely ridiculous to suggest you can’t take a full parenting role. My grandmother died when my Dad was young and my “step” grandmother bought up my Dad and is known to me as Grandma. It’s insulting to suggest she was any less of a Grandma to me or Mother to my Dad because she didn’t birth him.

A mother that ‘doesn’t want her child’ is disgusting.

There are times when I don't want my DD around and I pray for her to just be with someone else for a week so I can be alone. I don't think that makes someone disgusting. I want her, I just also want my own time that I never get.

Same but with my step grandfather

But your husband should still be putting those boundaries in place for his child, even if you’re currently happy with the situation.

How old is the child? If she’s young, she’s not going to understand the reasons why dads partner/wife shouldn’t be bathing her or be looking after her for long periods. It’s for adults and parents to put those protections and healthy boundaries in place. If you can’t see that and don’t understand why, I’m not really sure what to say.

I’d be more concerned about my young child being left unattended in the bath or not bathed than bathed by a step parent who has sole care of them.

But if the other parent can’t have her, surely you would step in, rather than leave her with her dads partner?

Thats just really stupid. Those should never be the only two choices.

It’s really not stupid to allow whoever has care of a child to actually care for them.

She's 5. I truly can't see why there's a problem with me bathing my DSD, sharing a bed with her or looking after her for long periods of time.

Maybe you can explain.

But that’s the whole point. The parents partner shouldn’t have sole care of them to need to do this sort of care.

It just suits parents to put those things onto their partners as it means less work/hassle for them. So everyone justifies it but it goes by make it right. 🤷🏻‍♀️

That’s your view. I don’t agree and think you’re not realistic or rational in your reasoning.