CMS

[gonnabeyou]

My husband and I are planning a move that takes us quite a distance from his children from his previous marriage, he has an 8yo and an 11yo.
The distance to travel back to collect them with toll costs and fuel works out as £200 per trip. Ie there and back twice.
He pays CMS just now on the basis that he has them overnight one night a fortnight (he has them way more but just not overnight) he pays his ex about £500 per week, this was worked out between them and never done through courts.
My husband is very keen for the move but I just don't think it's financially possible if he wants to carry on seeing them regularly.
If he wants to see them once a month that's an extra 5 grand a year! On top of the 6 he already pays. Exw doesn't do any pick up and drop offs at the moment.
My question, which I'm sure will be unpopular is, can he drop CMS because of the extra costs? If so is there a formula to work out how much less he'd pay to take into account the traveling costs, I'm sure they don't want to go through courts to work this out but equally I think CMS will have to drop if he wants to see them, we are not well off financially.
Please no nasty messages about how we should stay put if we care, it's been a hard decision for various reasons

He's emotionally blackmailing his mum by the sounds of it. Coz he won't go to CMS.

Nothing in OP's posts suggest he's blackmailing his mother.

They had kids together. She and He would have known they had to work together to raise their kids. He's fallen on hard times. It might be her turn next week she might get hit by a bus.

It's sad for him if he's fallen on hard times... but it still shouldn't be on Mum to pick up the slack, not her circus anymore.

Think he could just tell his landlord he's fallen on hard times and his landlord would say don't worry about the rent bill? Of course he wouldn't! 🤣 Why should paying for your children be any different? It's far more important!!!

See, your a nicer person than me because I do think hes in the same category as those dads who game the system etc. Mum's just sort it. Whatever is thrown their way they sort it. This man isn't. It's not good enough. Why has he been unemployed since February? I lost my job last March and by the beginning of May I had a new one. Lower paid and working nights but I had no choice. It works for my children so there we go. I've shelf stacked in Asda and I've cleaned in schools, I have done what needs to be done. Because I'm a mother and that's what we do. You are right though, if he's unwilling or unable then mum needs to crack on. She has no choice and I'm sure her and the kids will do just fine.

Because the kids should live according to their parents means and ooh look one of them has no means right now and is borrowing off his own mother.

And mum can let dad have more contact time instead of using it as a financial weapon

This! There should be no ifs or buts. Fathers who don't pay maintainance should be penalised harshly. It shouldn't be optional.

Mothers who refuse more overnights without good reason should be penalised too.

And by no ifs or buts are you saying a father who can't work should be punished? Even if they are in a coma?

@moonspiral then he needs to find SUITABLE (important word) means! Him borrowing from his Mum is literally not his exs concern... her concern is probably how she's going to pay for the children and the house with ever increasing expenses. This is all on him, he needs to step up and go out cleaning, stacking shelves, whatever it takes to make sure his children are provided for.

NOT move a long distance away, to not be as involved in his children's day to day, week to week care and THEN... expect the children to pay financially for it and the Mum to pay in her time and money driving them to his new location.

@moonspiral you're making up scenarios that have nothing to do with this thread. He's not dead, he's not sick, he's not in a coma... he's unemployed and making a decision that will negatively impact his children.

Of course if he was in a coma then this discussion would be different FFS... but he's not!

This.

I do agree mum shouldn't be having to pay for travel or drive to New location if he moves. But I still think the CMS way is the fairest thing we have. And that means currently he should be paying nothing. (Or £7)

So there are ifs and buts then...

Well I would be looking for another job if I were him in that case, as that job does not suit.

So again @moonspiral... if he shouldn't be paying for his kids because he's unemployed, who should? The taxpayer? Mum just needs to take another job and suck it up... while still facilitating a relationship? I'm sorry, but fuck that, raise the bar a bit.

@moonspiral you're really digging! 🤣 Of course there's ifs and buts... BUT unless you're dead or in a coma, then no, there's not!

But at least he’d still be around to pick up his children from school every day.

The way the variation generally works is that it takes the amount from the amount to pay so its not as much. Morals aside.

For example if you pay 20 percent of wage and you earn £1000. CM would be £200.
If travels cost £100 then the amount you have available is £900. 20 percent of £900 is £180.

So RP will lose £20. You will have £20 towards the cost.

Probably not that groundbreaking.

Ok, no ifs or buts barring DEATH OR COMA. If a father is too ill to work then I expect him to do whatever it takes to support his children. Like a mother would have to!

You have 0 knowledge over how OPs DP has lost his job.

You have no idea how many jobs he's applied to, you have no information on any of that.

Saying well he can do any job, just like me. Well you took any job because you had the health to do so. Some people aren't that lucky.

And yes he could take a job stacking shelves - and mum wouldn't be able to get £500 anymore.

In families if a parent loses their jobs, they belts are tightened accordingly. It may not be mums problem if they split up but if she's adult enough to make kids, I assume she's adult enough to grasp bad things happen and life adjusts. As I said you can't get blood from a stone no matter how much you yell about it. If mum won't accept lowering the amount, won't allow him more access to make up for the monetary loss, then the jobs OPs DP can take is limited by the restrictions mums put in place.

You can't set up a situation and say by hell or high water sell a kidney I don't care you have to pay me £500 a month and then grumble about the situation not being to your exact liking. 🙄

This thread is depressing. Mainly actually because I'm usually on mums side here but all logic seems have gone straight out the window.

You should show him this thread OP. Just as a gentle reminder that he should be putting his children first in his thought process. As it stands, he isnt. He's just expecting Mum (his and his children mum) to suck up any fallout. He should try harder.

How has all logic gone out the window @hourbyhour101? He is unemployed, and the best he can come up with is to move a £200 journey away for unstable wages, and expect to take travel costs out of CM and on top of that, expect Mum to share driving too??? Surely by anyone's logic, with the information we've been given, that's shit effort and decision making right there?

@pillsthrillsandbellyache idk about that lol but thank you

I have dealt with two types of men one who bent over backwards and the one swanning around and I can 100% tell you who was the better human/dad out of the too. Obviously different strokes for different folks and agreed the bar is so bloody low for men.

This thread is making me grateful for my ex. A depressing thought in its self tbh

It's fucking bulldhit is what it is.