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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS

174 replies

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 16:11

My husband and I are planning a move that takes us quite a distance from his children from his previous marriage, he has an 8yo and an 11yo.
The distance to travel back to collect them with toll costs and fuel works out as £200 per trip. Ie there and back twice.
He pays CMS just now on the basis that he has them overnight one night a fortnight (he has them way more but just not overnight) he pays his ex about £500 per week, this was worked out between them and never done through courts.
My husband is very keen for the move but I just don't think it's financially possible if he wants to carry on seeing them regularly.
If he wants to see them once a month that's an extra 5 grand a year! On top of the 6 he already pays. Exw doesn't do any pick up and drop offs at the moment.
My question, which I'm sure will be unpopular is, can he drop CMS because of the extra costs? If so is there a formula to work out how much less he'd pay to take into account the traveling costs, I'm sure they don't want to go through courts to work this out but equally I think CMS will have to drop if he wants to see them, we are not well off financially.
Please no nasty messages about how we should stay put if we care, it's been a hard decision for various reasons

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:27

Same as above, I would not facilitate ex moving so far away after he docked my money. He is directly taking money from his children. Show him this thread. What an absolute loser.

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:28

Are people really making digs at op ? And also claiming that morally her DP is a hideous person.

What's that about rocks and glass houses

Does no one get the irony of of those two actions ?

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:28

MiddleParking · 25/04/2023 19:25

Also, what’s he paying them £500 while unemployed with now? Because sticking with no job actually sounds much better for the kids than the job he’s taking if he’s able to do that?

Incredibly valid questions @MiddleParking

OP, please don't say that you've been paying the CM while he's unemployed?

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:30

@Meggymoo777 money on it OPs paying for it currently.

Not that people will see the good in her for doing that. Sadly.

TeaKitten · 25/04/2023 19:31

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:25

@TeaKitten well if he's unemployed CMS would say they are owed £7 a month.

He's still giving £500 per month despite this and has found a job. As much as it's not a race to the bottom. It's not like he's not trying and still providing despite not having a job.

If he was trying and putting them first he’d get a job closer to them, or atleast a job that doesn’t disadvantage them. This guy is unemployed and hardly sees them and is looking to move further away and pay less towards them. He’s pretty close to the bottom.

Original poster
gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:33

He has been unemployed since February and he paid her for 1 month with savings then his mum has paid up until now. He will pay her back when he's back to being employed. He asked his ex if he could have a break from paying but she didn't agree.
She only lets him have 1 night a fortnight as it's better for them to have a routine. He has them for tea every night after school while she works instead, drops them home at half 7

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:34

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:28

Are people really making digs at op ? And also claiming that morally her DP is a hideous person.

What's that about rocks and glass houses

Does no one get the irony of of those two actions ?

Do you think mum should suck it up? Less CMS and facilitatetravel? It's a bit shit for her and her kids isn't it? Anyway, this thread is bullshit and the OP obviously wrote 500 per week on purpose so don't worry about her getting her feelings hurt.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:35

So mums costs will increase and she will have to sort childcare or change her hours? Sounds worse with every post you write tbh.

amiold · 25/04/2023 19:36

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:33

He has been unemployed since February and he paid her for 1 month with savings then his mum has paid up until now. He will pay her back when he's back to being employed. He asked his ex if he could have a break from paying but she didn't agree.
She only lets him have 1 night a fortnight as it's better for them to have a routine. He has them for tea every night after school while she works instead, drops them home at half 7

She doesn't need to agree. Go through cms and get a nil assessment.
She only lets them stay one night a fortnight to get full cms. He should go to court and get something better for the kids

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:36

What will Mum do when he moves OP? If he was collecting and doing tea every evening, will she now have to arrange paid childcare?

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:39

Woah @amiold weighing in with a belter of shade for the Mum!!!

With all respect, you have no idea why it's only 1 night a fortnight 🤣 And something better for the kids doesn't involve getting a nil assessment from CMS OR taking a hit in current CM used to feed, clothe and house the children.

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:39

@pillsthrillsandbellyache read my posts and you can see what I said 🙄 since OPs update we maintaince

Mum currently is doing 0 of the driving with them in the same location.

Shit happens, illness, redundancy happens. I expect mum to act like a adult like I expect dad to aka find work and pay for his kids.

Both were adult enough to make children with each other. Both should try not to be a dick to each other because they have kids.

Much like just because you can be a prick on the internet- doesn't mean you should. I don't really care if people are, it's just ironic how those people tend to look badly on other's behaviours and not their own.

MiddleParking · 25/04/2023 19:40

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:33

He has been unemployed since February and he paid her for 1 month with savings then his mum has paid up until now. He will pay her back when he's back to being employed. He asked his ex if he could have a break from paying but she didn't agree.
She only lets him have 1 night a fortnight as it's better for them to have a routine. He has them for tea every night after school while she works instead, drops them home at half 7

It just gets better. Bet you can hardly keep your hands off him.

moonspiral · 25/04/2023 19:42

TeaKitten · 25/04/2023 18:46

No if she ‘matches’ it’s £1000 for both children.

Show quote history

That's even worse isn't it. Hmm. Not sure how I feel about this OP

usererror99 · 25/04/2023 19:42

Wow

What a catch

Jobless and his mother is paying his CMS and you want to move and reduce the mothers CMS payments

amiold · 25/04/2023 19:42

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:39

Woah @amiold weighing in with a belter of shade for the Mum!!!

With all respect, you have no idea why it's only 1 night a fortnight 🤣 And something better for the kids doesn't involve getting a nil assessment from CMS OR taking a hit in current CM used to feed, clothe and house the children.

She lets them go everyday and wants them to have routine on her terms.
Why should the dad suffer financially all the time? He isn't working.. where do you expect him to get this money from?
The Mumsnet way is mums should always be protected but there's nothing in the OPs posts to say that the children are at risk from having more nights with dad... unless I've missed it?
He should go for nil assessment and then when he works again get a proper cms calculation and minus his travel costs, unless of course mum is willing to share drop offs etc.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:44

@hourbyhour101 I find it interesting that you try to insult me yet defend yet another useless father. Why do we as a society set the bar so low for them? Note, im saying nothing negative about the OP's role in this. Yes all those things happen, but any decision we make SHOULD have our children and how it affects them at the forefront. Mothers are expected to do this yet fathers aren't. I wonder why? I may be a prick on the Internet bit I am sick and tired of men just deciding women can sort it. All the damned time.

moonspiral · 25/04/2023 19:47

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:33

He has been unemployed since February and he paid her for 1 month with savings then his mum has paid up until now. He will pay her back when he's back to being employed. He asked his ex if he could have a break from paying but she didn't agree.
She only lets him have 1 night a fortnight as it's better for them to have a routine. He has them for tea every night after school while she works instead, drops them home at half 7

Right. Well that is incredibly unfair on his mum.
He should have gone to CMS when he lost his job if she wouldn't accept that he couldn't pay.

Was this the only job he could find? If so then yeah I guess he will have to move.

1 night a fortnight is ridiculous. My DH has two nights a fortnight plus half the holidays and then he goes to see them every other week. And this is with distance involved.

How far exactly are these kids travelling back and forth between homes. It seems more unsettling than him going to meet them near their mums.

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:51

@pillsthrillsandbellyache I didn't call you a prick (my wording wasn't clear - I will give you that so I apologise ) I said just because people can be a prick on the internet doesn't mean they should.

If my memory serves me correctly you picked up on my post first and tagged me, my first post wasn't at you and actually neither was my second.

I agree the bar is low. And if OPs DP was posting sure roast him alive.

But he's not and I think people are being harsh to op for a man's actions. That also doesn't sit well with me.

The knife swings both ways. And I have been mum in this situation 🤷🏼‍♀️

MelchiorsMistress · 25/04/2023 19:51

So at the moment, he’s at least giving regular care to his children and is in a position to be involved in their lives, but when he moves away he will be able to provide neither childcare nor the financial support his children need? Does he really think this is a good idea?

What’s he working for if not to provide for his kids?

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:51

@amiold Nil assessment doesn't cut it... that's just affecting the children. If he isn't working, then he needs to find something suitable. Like I said above, I've done 2 and 3 shitty jobs at a time to provide for my DC, there's always something to be found to ensure you financially support your children.

Is Mum supposed to just do without the £500 per month because he's unemployed, and on top of THAT, facilitate his move by sharing travel??? You're having a laugh surely!?! 🤣🤣🤣 if my household budget was cut by £500 per month, then that would be huge for me.

Should she just magic the shortfall up? Cancel her DCs activities maybe? Feed them subpar food? Not buy them season appropriate clothing? Cut all treats out of their lives? Where do you suggest she cut back @amiold?

Unless the move is for unavoidable reasons, such as caring for someone, then this is just a shitty ask or any more of 2 DC.

moonspiral · 25/04/2023 19:53

MelchiorsMistress · 25/04/2023 19:51

So at the moment, he’s at least giving regular care to his children and is in a position to be involved in their lives, but when he moves away he will be able to provide neither childcare nor the financial support his children need? Does he really think this is a good idea?

What’s he working for if not to provide for his kids?

Option seems to be either he can provide financially for them at a hit to the emotional support or he stays and they get no financial support...which one do you reckon mums going to choose if she could..

moonspiral · 25/04/2023 19:54

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:51

@amiold Nil assessment doesn't cut it... that's just affecting the children. If he isn't working, then he needs to find something suitable. Like I said above, I've done 2 and 3 shitty jobs at a time to provide for my DC, there's always something to be found to ensure you financially support your children.

Is Mum supposed to just do without the £500 per month because he's unemployed, and on top of THAT, facilitate his move by sharing travel??? You're having a laugh surely!?! 🤣🤣🤣 if my household budget was cut by £500 per month, then that would be huge for me.

Should she just magic the shortfall up? Cancel her DCs activities maybe? Feed them subpar food? Not buy them season appropriate clothing? Cut all treats out of their lives? Where do you suggest she cut back @amiold?

Unless the move is for unavoidable reasons, such as caring for someone, then this is just a shitty ask or any more of 2 DC.

She does without the £500 because there is no £500 to be given

amiold · 25/04/2023 19:54

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:51

@amiold Nil assessment doesn't cut it... that's just affecting the children. If he isn't working, then he needs to find something suitable. Like I said above, I've done 2 and 3 shitty jobs at a time to provide for my DC, there's always something to be found to ensure you financially support your children.

Is Mum supposed to just do without the £500 per month because he's unemployed, and on top of THAT, facilitate his move by sharing travel??? You're having a laugh surely!?! 🤣🤣🤣 if my household budget was cut by £500 per month, then that would be huge for me.

Should she just magic the shortfall up? Cancel her DCs activities maybe? Feed them subpar food? Not buy them season appropriate clothing? Cut all treats out of their lives? Where do you suggest she cut back @amiold?

Unless the move is for unavoidable reasons, such as caring for someone, then this is just a shitty ask or any more of 2 DC.

No she isn't meant to just suck it up but if the money isn't being earned how does he cover it?

He's got another job but he's having to travel, I have no idea what his skill set is but I'm assuming that's the reason for the move as he wouldn't move to work in a better Tesco would he.
I'm not saying mum should facilitate travel if she isn't getting cms but there has to be five and take where kids are concerned
Bottom line is, he can only give her money in proportion to what he is earning and if that isn't enough maybe she could get 2/3 jobs like you did because as you say.. it's all about providing for the kids and that falls to both parents doesn't it

amiold · 25/04/2023 19:57

@moonspiral I'm glad the maths is mathing for you too! 👏🏻
Honestly some people are so hell bent on painting every man as a rubbish dad they cannot see the wood for the trees. Of course he should pay maintenance but if he isn't earning, he can't give her it and his mum giving her it to keep peace because she won't "allow" him to drop it is bizarre. I feel like she must be unreasonable and dad is scared not to give her the money in case there are repercussions... of course this might not be the case but why else would he let his mum pay her a large amount every month