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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS

174 replies

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 16:11

My husband and I are planning a move that takes us quite a distance from his children from his previous marriage, he has an 8yo and an 11yo.
The distance to travel back to collect them with toll costs and fuel works out as £200 per trip. Ie there and back twice.
He pays CMS just now on the basis that he has them overnight one night a fortnight (he has them way more but just not overnight) he pays his ex about £500 per week, this was worked out between them and never done through courts.
My husband is very keen for the move but I just don't think it's financially possible if he wants to carry on seeing them regularly.
If he wants to see them once a month that's an extra 5 grand a year! On top of the 6 he already pays. Exw doesn't do any pick up and drop offs at the moment.
My question, which I'm sure will be unpopular is, can he drop CMS because of the extra costs? If so is there a formula to work out how much less he'd pay to take into account the traveling costs, I'm sure they don't want to go through courts to work this out but equally I think CMS will have to drop if he wants to see them, we are not well off financially.
Please no nasty messages about how we should stay put if we care, it's been a hard decision for various reasons

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 18:49

If the alternative is £7 a month then he's made shit decisions tbh. I've worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to support my DC, I've never been out of work, because I've never allowed myself be in a position where I couldn't adequately support my DC. If he can't suck up the cost of transport, then he can't afford to move to take/keep a job. He should find something else.

Why should Mum absorb the cost of travel due to his move, AND facilitate travel... just because she's afraid of ending up with £7 per month? I'd prefer to be totally on my own than facilitating a relationship between my DC and a father who moved away and literally made us pay for it financially.

amiold · 25/04/2023 18:53

Yes he can apply for a variation but it probably won't be granted for the full costs. He might get some deduction but it's a figure they calculate off the top line and ends up a lot less than it actually costs.

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 18:56

I know CMS threads get a bit heated.

But for lords sake can we use some common sense. Plenty of us think CMS is shit, if you can come to a private arrangement above that brillant.

But that requires some level of give and take.

And if people can't play nice then CMS is dragged in and Fuck me if he has lost his job and is moving for a job - I would prefer my ex to move and have to do a bit of driving than get £7 a sodding week. That's a reality if the parents can't agree and that does effect the kids.

Some of you must have been on the receiving end of CMS and that bullshit ? You liked each other enough to bump uglies. Then you can at least manage a bit of sensible discussion on things like money, travel ect and not have to turn it into a bum fight resulting potentially on a result of £7 a sodding week/month.

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 18:58

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 18:49

If the alternative is £7 a month then he's made shit decisions tbh. I've worked 2 and 3 jobs at a time to support my DC, I've never been out of work, because I've never allowed myself be in a position where I couldn't adequately support my DC. If he can't suck up the cost of transport, then he can't afford to move to take/keep a job. He should find something else.

Why should Mum absorb the cost of travel due to his move, AND facilitate travel... just because she's afraid of ending up with £7 per month? I'd prefer to be totally on my own than facilitating a relationship between my DC and a father who moved away and literally made us pay for it financially.

Mums not doing any of the drop offs and pick ups at the moment where they are currently and getting £2000 a month.

Shit happens. Life happens and people get sick. And if your lucky enough for this never to have happened to you. It's not sheer hard work but also a massive amount of luck that your still in good health.

Come on now

Original poster
gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:01

Sorry £500 pcm

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:02

He's not paying £2000 a month @hourbyhour101... I'm sure that must be a typo and it's £500 per month for 2 children.

TeaKitten · 25/04/2023 19:02

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:01

Sorry £500 pcm

And what does the CMS calculator say is the minimum he should be paying based on his income etc?

MelchiorsMistress · 25/04/2023 19:07

It’s not up to the mother in this situation to be responsible for any of the costs or inconvenience of her co parent moving. She has no responsibility to do pick ups and drop offs if he moves, and the fact that she doesn’t do them now is irrelevant if that’s what’s always worked for them. It is entirely his responsibility to travel to see his children and to continue to pay a decent amount of child maintenance.

That said, if Dad really is paying £2000 a month for two healthy school age children as well providing his own home for them, then I’d hope those children are getting some very high quality childcare and activities out of it.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:09

So not only will he not have the kids as much therefore adding to the mums expenses,he wants to dock the money she does get? Really? Shame on him.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:10

He pays 500 pcm not 2000.

MelchiorsMistress · 25/04/2023 19:11

Oh, in that case, £500 a month is a reasonable amount for two children. It isn’t that much for a working non resident parent to pay compared to the actual costs of raising a child and it would be shitty of him to expect to pay less because he’s choosing to move.

Dogsandbabies · 25/04/2023 19:13

He pays £500 pcm for two children and wants to reduce by £200 in order to accommodate his lifestyle choices? How would you feel if you were the mum in the scenario?

I think it is outrageous. But again it all depends on his income. Starting point is CMS.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/04/2023 19:15

No idea why anyone’s talking about court, child maintenance is decided by the CMS, not court. A private agreement is great if it works for both sides. When it doesn’t do so for either then either can use the CMS.

OP, how much should he be paying according to the CMS based on his income and fewer overnights once you move, or more overnights if he’ll be having them more during holidays? Is it more or less than he’s currently paying?

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:15

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:02

He's not paying £2000 a month @hourbyhour101... I'm sure that must be a typo and it's £500 per month for 2 children.

Egh that changes things (again) unless she was referring to CMS mandated amount ? 😵‍💫

I don't know now tbh. I think a rule of thumb is that they currently should be sharing drop offs 50/50 with £500 a month just because they created life together as it currently stands it's unfair

If he moves then probably should do most of the drop offs pick ups. Although CMS would let him have a variation for travel and reduce it. So I would probably just help where I could just so the relationship wasn't agonistic for the kids and it didn't get tit for tat. Seems like to much drama for me otherwise!

Original poster
gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:16

He's currently unemployed but still paying that, hence the move.
The salary will be on the hours he works and will vary

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 25/04/2023 19:18

This reply has been deleted

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TeaKitten · 25/04/2023 19:18

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:16

He's currently unemployed but still paying that, hence the move.
The salary will be on the hours he works and will vary

so he’s moving all that way for a job that’s not stable and doesn’t have a reliable income?

Original poster
gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:19

@MiddleParking that's a bit mean.

He all have them overnight more after the move

OP posts:
Original poster
gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:20

Yes @TeaKitten but it's better than no job

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 25/04/2023 19:21

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:20

Yes @TeaKitten but it's better than no job

Not for his kids it isn’t. He’s moving far away and wanting to pay less towards their upbringing. It’s a crap deal for them, and they are suppose to come first.

Meggymoo777 · 25/04/2023 19:22

But is it though @gonnabeyou? I'd sooner clean loos all day everyday and be there for my DC, than move away and make them financially pay for my decision. Can he not find something else?

MiddleParking · 25/04/2023 19:24

gonnabeyou · 25/04/2023 19:19

@MiddleParking that's a bit mean.

He all have them overnight more after the move

Well at the moment he has them overnight once a fortnight (despite not having a job to occupy him for the remaining 93% of the time) and in your OP you refer to the unaffordable costs of having them overnight once a month post move. Both of those are absolutely pathetic contributions to the raising of his children even before you start thinking about reducing his financial contribution. Why would you want to hitch your wagon to someone like that? Do you not think you deserve better?

hourbyhour101 · 25/04/2023 19:25

@TeaKitten well if he's unemployed CMS would say they are owed £7 a month.

He's still giving £500 per month despite this and has found a job. As much as it's not a race to the bottom. It's not like he's not trying and still providing despite not having a job.

MiddleParking · 25/04/2023 19:25

Also, what’s he paying them £500 while unemployed with now? Because sticking with no job actually sounds much better for the kids than the job he’s taking if he’s able to do that?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 25/04/2023 19:25

Yeah he's currently unemployed, why is he only having them once a fortnight overnight? What a prince you have lumbered yourself with.