CMS

[gonnabeyou]

My husband and I are planning a move that takes us quite a distance from his children from his previous marriage, he has an 8yo and an 11yo.
The distance to travel back to collect them with toll costs and fuel works out as £200 per trip. Ie there and back twice.
He pays CMS just now on the basis that he has them overnight one night a fortnight (he has them way more but just not overnight) he pays his ex about £500 per week, this was worked out between them and never done through courts.
My husband is very keen for the move but I just don't think it's financially possible if he wants to carry on seeing them regularly.
If he wants to see them once a month that's an extra 5 grand a year! On top of the 6 he already pays. Exw doesn't do any pick up and drop offs at the moment.
My question, which I'm sure will be unpopular is, can he drop CMS because of the extra costs? If so is there a formula to work out how much less he'd pay to take into account the traveling costs, I'm sure they don't want to go through courts to work this out but equally I think CMS will have to drop if he wants to see them, we are not well off financially.
Please no nasty messages about how we should stay put if we care, it's been a hard decision for various reasons

Not if its the only job he could get. I'm thinking eg. Office relocation or something.

But yeah with out the details on paper it's not great. But there must be reasons. Caring responsibility perhaps.

I think the courts would look at how much he's contributing already £2000 per month (on 4 week month) = £24,000 a year ish and say yup actually mum needs to input some costs into this.

Given he lives locally and he still does all the driving and pick ups, personally I think he's evening taken for a ride. And that's before moving.

My ex moved away and we both handle drop offs and pick ups fairly. I don't take the piss and he doesn't mess around with maintenance. Give and take. And we didn't have a pretty break up.

The problem here is people keep saying why should she, he's moving, and the same could be said for why is he paying £2000 a month if the CMS calculator says x (I have my own fairly dim opinions on the CMS calculations before anyone lynches me).

It's give and take and at the end of the day it's hard to argue for one side or the other is in the moral right when neither are willing to meet in the middle.

FFS you made a kid with someone people can get over the "why should I put myself out for my ex" (mum or dad) and the answer is simply because the kids are watching.

I grew up in a blended family and I'm so glad that all the adults acted like adults on the most part.

How much does the CMS calculator actually say he owes? That will help to start answer your question.

Being**

I don't understand Parents who choose to move away from their children.

@gonnabeyou can you give us any further info on the circumstances of the move OP? I fear that without some details about it, your post will just come across as though he's just chosen to move far away from the kids, when he only sees them twice a month, and now wants to recoup the fuel costs by lowering the amount of CMS his children live on... which, let's face it, isn't a good look.

I think he can but to be honest I find it distasteful. It's your choice to move that distance. Therefore you should be forking out the costs for contact and you shouldn't be punishing your husbands child financially for your decisions.

I also find it shocking to drop contact time because of it to be honest. I wouldn't judge any bloke well over that.

Yes I agree. Or at least take this into account when reading the responses OP.

So he wants to move a long way away from his children and pay less towards their upbringing. Wow, what a catch! No wonder dc from split families do worse when they have to put up with being second to the new partner. God it’s depressing.

I'm guess the £500 a week was a typo @hourbyhour101 ... I'm guessing it's per month.

But... if it is per week, then that does change the conversation slightly doesn't it?

its not up to OP to pay for this- there's no "you" their dad needs to be the one thinking of this.

They get £500 a week. How much does a child need? If mum is matching that's £4000 a month roughly. How many kids are there coz that's shit loads.

Ah there's two. So £2000 per child is more than enough. I'm sure they'll survive on a bit less.

The problem here is people keep saying why should she, he's moving

That’s the problem? Not that care has, to an extent, been shared and he’s now moving further away and will therefore be unable to support on any level on a daily basis. So it’s all now on her. Everything. And on top of that, she should do half the travelling and accept a reduction in maintenance so he can afford his half of the travelling?

absolutely, I agree. Sometimes we have to suck up the shit for the sake of the children. But come on, this is ridiculous.

She said 6k per year so it looks like it was a typo and it’s 500 a month.

As I mentioned to @hourbyhour101, I reckon that's a typo and it's £500 per month @moonspiral?

Another point of clarification OP if you're happy to share? If it really is £2000 per month then I do think it changes things a bit

It does iMO. I have seen situations like this in rl so I know heard it happens.

Unless there are 5 kids or something unusual like that. That's a lot of money.

£2000 a month on a small month blows my brain tbh. If £500 per month, that's reasonable actually but with that I would still say drop offs and pick ups (now - not when they move) should be 50/50.

If £500 per month and more children then yes I think OPs DH is being unreasonable.

That said if he's moving for a job or lost his job and found a job in x city as a mum I would support it and try to help even if it was a move. Because if he doesn't have a job job seekers is £7 a month and that's a lot less than £500 a month.

Basically it's about acting like adults imo

Ah yeah so if mum matches is £1000 per child. Hmm.. that does change things

OP said £500 per week then said £6k per year - so unless she comes back and clarifies this common sense says £500 pcm for 2 DCS seems more likely.

TBH - it all sounds shit for the kids. More time in a car, less time with Dad - Mum gets less maintenance and she is expected to do half the travel costs - means she is far more out of pocket than her EX.

Not a great plan - give it a year and the DCS wont want to come.

Yeah exactly. If the alternative is £7 a month then the move would make sense.

I'm not sure it would be more time in the car though- at the moment they seem to be spending £50 worth of fuel/toll worth of travel in a car per overnight stay and OP says DH sees them more but not overnight. So I again I think more info needed on car time for kids of all options. Less Quality time might be better than more motorway time.

No if she ‘matches’ it’s £1000 for both children.

Of course not, what a stupid question!
You want him to move from his kids making them feel not worthy of him hanging around for and for them to go without too!

@moonspiral matching would mean £500 per child.

And OP hasn't told us how much he spends on travel now. The £200 is the cost if they move.

Let's not miss out bits here

The problem here is people keep saying why should she, he's moving, and the same could be said for why is he paying £2000 a month if the CMS calculator says x (I have my own fairly dim opinions on the CMS calculations before anyone lynches me).

The message is literally- you can't just take £2000 (rough estimate) per month - as op hasn't said that's a typo so can come and correct if it is and then say your doing all the driving. Because if done via CMS she's likely to get much less and CMS allow for variations for travel.

It's advice called you don't prod the bear that's feeding you £24,000 a year when they have another route to reduce it massively via CMS.

I'm a mum btw and have been in the mums shoes. And I say this whether it was mum or dad.

Given what op has stated in the op, I think its mind boggling £4000 per month (if mum is contributing equally) is a massive amount to raise kids on (they eating gold bars for dinner or something) - extra details allowing such as 5 kids/typo