Step kids at weekend

[Bananarama77]

I’m really unhappy about this situation but not sure if I’m overreacting.
My DH is due to have his kids this weekend & he usually picks them up from school on Fridays but this weekend he has commitments to work so he has asked me to collect them from school which usually wouldn’t be a problem however I have plans to meet friends & I was hoping to get a few hours to sort myself out, get ready etc. I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

Goodness me, how on earth do independently wealthy women like you end up being used like this?!

He has used you for a free home and free childcare for how long?!

Don't say you have been doing all the laundry, cooking and cleaning too?!

What a great deal he has had and what a leech!

Men are practical when they choose a partner, it's always to make their own lives easier.

I’m not being used! Please read or RTFT as is often used. We have an issue with childcare yes which will be dealt with but my DH isn’t using me

Very gently though @Bananarama77 he is. Maybe not intentionally but he is certainly taking you for granted. The more you do for people, the more they expect. It shouldn't be that way with your DH but here you are. You need to step way back and let him look after his children. No laundry, no tidying, no sorting out or going to appointments. Because I can guarantee you this, it won't be appreciated, he won't even notice till you decide to stop. Then, you will be all kinds of evil. I said earlier that I don't think it's malicious but somewhere along the line your DH has decided to put more responsibility on you and even worse, allowed his ex to also. You have raised your children. He needs to raise his.

If he knew it was coming he should have bought it up with you himself.

Op I know this feels like a attack and a lot of posters aren't meaning it to be (myself included)

That said if he knew this was coming up, he could have chosen to talk to you about it. He didn't in hope you would just continue on and watch you struggle.

I mean this kindly but if a friend was telling you about this exact situation. What would you be thinking of your friends DH ?

Good for you.

I get it, honestly I don’t think it’s an attack I just don’t appreciate comments that he’s a freeloader as that really isn’t the case. I think he knew it was coming after what happened on Friday so obviously he suspected that wasn’t the end of it & that was tip of iceberg so to speak. I have voiced my irritation prior but usually only if I’m told there is an appointment or their mum wants an extra hour here or there

I’m fed up with having kids here constantly & I rarely get a day to myself. Nice kids but not my responsibility. AIBU?

This was part of your first post. You then go on to defend your DH in later posts.

Do you like the children? Just sort it out with their parents. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it. The children don't choose to be with you.

The thread has moved on since then.

I know. I've read the whole thread. I don't feel sorry for OP. I feel for the children.

So when will you and dh have a proper chat

That you say to him he is doing all childcare /school /meals etx

Well take it up with parents who would rather palm their kids off on their partners than look after them themselves then.

Telling the woman who is being taken advantage of that she needs to think about the poor children is really not being a lovely, empathetic person (even though people who say this stuff alway imagine it is).

I feel sorry for the children too. Their own parents can't be arsed.

For god's sake, stop trying to guilt-trip the OP. We get it, you feel sorry for the children. What's the point in telling this to the OP (several times) when she isn't the children's parent? How does that help anyone? Feel sorry for the kids all you want, that doesn't make any of this the OP's fault. It's not relevant to OP's issue.

Like a broken bloody record.

The OP isn't asking for anyone's pity. Which is fortunate, given she is wealthy in her own right and isn't in paid employment, because for these reasons alone she's very unlikely to get it.

Parental responsibility means just that. It's unfortunate that neither of these children's parents seem any too keen on accepting it.

Until this point DH has seemed happy to palm off the grunt work - his own and his ex's - onto his wife. The fact that he's done so to the extent of anticipating a conversation to the effect that this is unfair and disproportionate, does not reflect at all well on him.

Parenting is a two person job involving fathers as much as mothers. Women are not society's default carers. Some clear boundaries are necessary here and it's not unreasonable in the least to set them.

They're not being palmed off by their mum. It's their dad that's due to pick them up and he's got other plans. How is that their mum palming them off?

It is if she decides to just drop them off. That would be her palming them off. If it’s her day then they’re her responsibility. To just drop them off at their dad’s during that time is her palming them off. Especially if it’s OP who is lumbered with looking after them.

If the mum is dropping them off for their contact with their dad, then that’s not palming them off. That’s just her dropping them off with their dad.

It sounds like in OP’s case it’s the former if the mum is hassling her for help because she has to work. OP shouldn’t have to put up with it.

@funinthesun19 the original post says their dad was due to pick them up at school but was unable to make it

Well hopefully OP has told her DH to step up and not leave everything to her. Then hopefully the children will get to spend more quality time with him.

Yes and the OP’s palming off comment was clearly not in relation to the original post but giving wider context later on as to why she was so fed up with providing so much childcare.

Anyone on the receiving end of being taken for granted as a step-parent can spot there’ll be a wider back story from a mile off without ever hearing the actual details. 9/10 times with this kind of scenario it’s the step-parenting equivalent of “she divorced me for leaving my dishes by the sink.”

Anyone on the receiving end of being taken for granted as a step-parent can spot there’ll be a wider back story from a mile off without ever hearing the actual details. 9/10 times with this kind of scenario it’s the step-parenting equivalent of “she divorced me for leaving my dishes by the sink.

Exactly. I knew there would be a long history of piss taking as soon as I read the OP. Because once's you've been in it yourself, you can spot the signs a mile off.

Like when you've been in an abusive relationship and someone posts that their husband has OCD and is now on the sixth day of stonewalling her because she hoovered the stairs wrong and you'll get some posters saying poor man, he's got mental health issues, OP is BU, but those of us who've lived with controlling arseholes can see in the first paragraph that he's a controlling arsehole.

There's a pattern to it. There are always dead give aways if you know what to look for.

There’s definitely a pattern. A classic, patriarchal pattern.

Thats not saying all men are like that, any more than all those threads with cheating husbands on relationships are indicative that all men are cheats (or abusive or whatever).

It’s simply that the women posting here about the problems are disproportionately dealing with common or garden issues with men as they manifest in stepfamilies. The women in relationships with men who don’t treat them like nanny/housekeepers who also get to pay for everything aren’t as likely to post a thread.

We had a bit of a chat last night & I did tell him that after this week I won’t be available for school run AM or PM & suggested that if he would like to continue having them stay overnight without discussing with ex then he should put them in breakfast club/after school club. His first response was ‘I’ll ask the kids & see if they’re happy with that’ to which I said & if they’re not? He didn’t really have an answer except to say he can do without the drama of having rearrange things with his ex as she’ll cause a issue (not my problem). I just said I am no longer an option for childcare so whatever he sorts with or without his ex’s involvement is up to him doesn’t require my involvement or input. He asked if there was any compromise & I said emergency only. He was fine, he’s not sulky or combative just miffed because now he’s got the ‘inconvenience’ of having to sort a solution which requires some effort on his part!

I suspect if you 'compromise' he'll see a chink and start taking advantage again.

Well done for standing your ground.

Well done. This is a good outcome.

Poor man, having to do the mental labour of figuring out wrap around childcare. Welcome to a woman's world dude!